Thursday, October 28, 2010 @9:15 PM
sleep deprived.
all day today, i've been feeling rather depressed. not even the sudden visit by jason with a cup of koi brought up my mood much. i guess it seems pretty serious. but i'm not sure.
perhaps its the lack of sleep?
suddenly want to be left totally alone for awhile.. just hiding in my room all day, lying on my bed. i want to move out to a new house, start anew and live on my own. no need to humour people, worry about people, think about people, or care about anyone.
and then die alone peacefully. i think the probability that i might die of a disease is the highest, but i pray against all odds that i'd die an unpainful death.
it's probably just an excuse to run away from my problems. the easy way out. but i wish i could just die right now and be freed from my pain. sometimes too much sorrow is just too hard to bear.
perhaps i'm better off single. that way i wouldn't have to worry about infecting him with my depression. sometimes i don't know if i'm driving myself crazy, or driving the people around me crazy. i feel horrible. i don't feel strong enough to carry on. i hate myself.
i wish i had some sleeping pills. think i really need some sleep.
Monday, October 04, 2010 @9:08 PM
busy day
today i was packed at work. so packed time literally flew so fast, i lost my logical grasp of sensing the time. i couldn't even finish my work by the time the day ended.
anyways, the main point, is that i just wanted to blog about yesterday.
how should i start..
i had an idea about marriage. u know, with everyone all tying the knot here, there, everywhere... i was envious and i knew its all hormones talking. seeing no response from my significant other i was a moody and often sulking pie. that, plus my concerns over religion and finances... i knew for a logical, reasonable fact - that i was not ready for marriage.
then, by god's blessing, maybe even message.. i wanted to get engaged. and then! just yesterday... a beautiful ring was bought! i never expected this to happen that quick, never thought i'd really get to pick a ring, never thought it'd be so fast!
and then suddenly i.. or should i say we.. didn't realise the importance or significance of engagement. so erm... whats the proper procedure ah? does that mean we're married? will there be another proposal? is this official? do i have to change my status? suddenly i felt a truckload of questions in my face.
all i know, is that my jie jie say, don't wear the ring!!
as much as it looks so prettily at me, calling me to "wear me! wear me!" i must resist. despite the logical fact that it's already bought, don't wear like very wasted, i must resist. yes i keep telling myself every time i enter my room and see my drawer that now stores the ring. @_@
but wait, this is actually a really good opportunity. this might sound strange, but after speaking to a few colleagues, it suddenly dawn on me the seriousness of this whole affair. i wonder if jason feels that way. hmmm...
but yea, its like announcing to the world that "hands off" this woman/man is reserved. its as good as a commitment to
marriage; just without signing the paper yet. marriage leh. dun play play...
so, since he hasn't made an official proposal (asking this in bed just before we sleep, asking over a cup of KOI doesn't count), i shall not wear the ring... see i'm so nice, never make him buy 1 more and just treat this one as a present! kekeke.. perhaps it is a good time for both of us to really think about our future together. maybe its too scary and he wants to back out! the ring got 7 day refund policy (so after 7 days the ring confirm will be mine liao - marry or no marry! wahahahaha).
i think we're really quite cute sometimes.. haha :p