yeah, somehow today's just special. i'm still gay about the thought that i lost alittle weight from gyming with leigh, and i finally became a wizard in my online game at 6 in the morning! even though i got to sleep at 8 and woke up only at 12 plus by a phone call and was really tired, i was happy at the thought that delong and robin were coming over. this time, not to watch vcds, but to play monopoly~ and the best thing is, i won the game~ haha, its the 1st time i finished the game, and though i made both of them bankrupt, its a first time event, so i'm really happy about it. ;p

yup, its been 8 months... how time flies... and i can't even remember all the countless experiences i've had with him. all the joy and laughter, and the hurt and sorrows. it's been long.. and yet, it was like a blink of an eye.

after playing my online game for so long and got to meet so many new friends, i've gotten a chance to have a conversation with of of them that made an impact on me. it's true, that i can't know others before i first know myself. but now as i continue to ponder over it, i seriously don't know how to go about doing so. sometimes life seems to get only more, and never less complicated for me. sometimes, i'm just creating these problems in my head. and many times, i can't fully comprehand all of them and i just leave it at the back of my head and forget them. and i guess this would be one of them. the thought of knowing myself just seem so foreign. but i know, that because i've yet to do so, because i've yet to know him, our relationship probably isn't all that well and smooth sailing. i have only for myself to blame. i can't really figure guys. can't really understand their minscepts and perceptions. and it bothers me. but yet i don't wish to bother.. how i wish i could remain like this forever.

it seems that to grow means to change. and things would only get more complicated. or am i worrying to much?

sigh... thoughts are pouring in and i can't seem to feel at ease. but there's nothing i can do. i can't stop myself from drowning in my on sorrows. maybe its the loneliness that eating into me. and maybe thats why i love company. but it feels horrible when u burden someone with your mood. i can't be expecting someone to cheer me up forever.. or i guess i should take the initiative to do so first. but somehow i can't. it just dawn on me that the closer i am to someone, the more i open myself and let someone understand me, the harder it is for me to talk to the person anymore. and i hate that, as much as i hate having fake unfeeling conversations with people too. i'm so ironic.

so yeah, guess i'll just be getting along with my game, sleeping late nights and feeling miserable. i just hope i don't drag anyone with my moods. it's easy to be "normal" cheerful and nice in the online game. but in real life? sigh.. delong's been busy with work and trainings. in one way i'm happy he's kept occupied cos i was afraid i'd bore him to death with myself. then again we're losing things to talk about when all he tells me are his woes of training and work. the constant pain of backaches and muscle strains... there's nothing i can do, and little comfort i can give. what should i say? sigh, guess this is kind of a pretty depressing day for me.

well, even though it's the holidays, who says you can't go back to school? meeting leigh and jem for gym later and i can't wait to do some exercise. note that at the same time i'm saying this, i'm fighting back the tiny voice at the back of my head that's screaming "nnnoooo!!!" haha, really realise that i'm lazing abit more than usual, and with whatever free time i have, i'd be playing ragnarok. but i've borrowed quite a number of library books too.. and what i do? i read alittle before i sleep. and alittle could actually last up to 2 hours~ so this goes without saying that i don't sleep at night anymore! haha, though i know that it isn't exactly healthy, it's somehow fun to be able to have fun in the quiet night while my parents are asleep, and sleep in the morning when my parents just wake up. hmm.. i guess the only drawback would be skipping breakfast, and we all know how important breakfast is... but since when did i remember to eat breakfast regularly? xD

still coughing lately, and delong's been nagging for weeks.. haha, but somehow i'm enjoying the attention and he's starting to fume. bleahx, gym awaits!!

had thoughts of feeling things that are hard to put in words... what to do? i forget them. and now i'm having trouble recalling what is it i was troubling over. hmmm...

been quite crazy over an online game recently, called ragnarok online.. and it's really cute~ you can actually choose you own hair color and hairstyle~ even some of the monsters are cute! jeremy's the one that got me started and i'm still training hard to be able to play with him.. but there's a chance delong may be playing too. argh, got to stop here cos my sis needs to use the com.

i'm now at my sister's place doing nothing!! and that makes me bored out of my mind and now fustration is eating into me. all this because my sister is treating my parents to a japanese cuisine for a post mother's day celebration... but i'm so bored... the food better be good.. ok, i shall attempt to sleep and see how it goes.

well, passed through the day safely and swiftly.. what more can i ask for? =) i concluded while walking to and fro from school that i'm just unstable. a worrisome bundle of fur(if i had any). sometimes i wonder if i'm a psychotic freak that seems to look normal. no one ever said crazy people have to look crazy. rather, i feel that it's the ones that look sane that are more dangerous no?

well, enough of wierd thoughts that lead to nowhere. finally had a gym session with leigh today. i felt as if my legs would crumble when i got off the bike and went on treadmill. i believe i've been neglecting on exercise... wonder how i'll be able to keep up in years to come..? well, after that i went to consult mr. joseph about my results cos ms. goh wasn't around. was constantly assured by him that the computer system can never be wrong. he stressed that the papers were marked and passed down to many people(whom are just equipped with a marking scheme) and they could have been the ones who have moderated everyone's results. and he talked alot of bull. sigh. forget it, i'll just leave it at that, and work harder next semseter.

then i went to the library and borrowed more comics. this time i managed to find calvin and hobbes!! my fav~ and i don't know why i like 'em so much. but humour wise, i prefer baby blues. back home, watched the last samurai with delong and i teared! i feel that it's a really nice show, though i felt the ending could be better. it's just sad that everyone had to die except for tom cruise. and he's then so "called" the last samurai.

ah hah!! delong just called to say he bought naruto 19, 20 & 21!! haha, love him so much~ god bless his soul!

got a knot in me i can't seem to untie and i'm welling up in tears for no reason. this feeling that i need to cry out just makes me feel all the more silly. suddenly lost my goals in life, lost all memories, promises and reason. feeling utterly confused and unable to think clearly.

and then i feel heat coming in. the wierd feel of anger to be mad at everyone around around me. and scenes flash before me. i should do this. i should do that. life seems like nothing to me. just a tiring journey. an endless pile of work undone. a life controlled is not a life at all. but if i go against the rules my life will also be destroyed. what options am i left with? i see myself stuck between the crossroads of death, and there's no one to save me.

i'm losing it. don't know what to do, don't know what to say. feeling empty like a doll. feeling controlled like a puppet. and the strings come from so many directions. i can't feel what my life is worth.

friends. so many yet so few. and the more i try to recall, the heavier my heart feels.

i'm feeling lost. and you know what's the funniest thing?

i made myself this way.

got my results yesterday and i ain't too happy about it... just feel that it's so wierd to get straight results. how can everything be the same? how could it be that coincidental?? i just feel that it's unbelieveable... and i am gonna find the teachers when i get back to school after a gym session with leigh on either monday or thurs. sigh..

well, other than that, mother's day is coming too. well, though it's tomorrow, i got my mom a lil' sweet cake today when i came back home and she appriciated the thought. her mood was pretty happy and everything was going quite well until my dad asked how were my results. it's not enough that i didn't get fail anything or get any Ds, i need to produce more. and i feel quite tired. just a few days ago i was contemplating the choice of switching courses, the future prospects and loads of crap. why crap? cos i know things won't go the way i'd want them to me. just take my results for a very good example. i can plan and say i'd wanna do well, but the results just show otherwise and it not only disappointed my parents, but also, me. that got me quite down and i'm still alittle shaken, not knowing what to do. all i feel like doing now, is enjoying my holidays, reading my comics, books, playing the computer, and spending as much time as i can with delong... i don't even feel like working even though i'm utterly broke.

i think i should try and look at the bright side of life... and pray... that maybe i'll still be able to enjoy somewhat of a holiday even though i can't go abroad anymore..

finally i'm blogging again~

i must say... my bank account is drained buying the uniform for saffron... arghz, but dnd night was a success. =) i though the food weren't too bad, and the events were entertaining.

after that and i had sports club retreat at aranda country club. there wasn't alot of peeps who turned up, but it was still fun playing monopoly and risk. and on the last day, i played mini majong till 5 in the morning! haha, it's mini cos the tiles were super small~ we had to be so careful while rolling the dice in fear that the dice might knock things over. i was a novice at work, so i didn't win often. but it was still fun. finally understood what's its like to play majong all day.

and yesterday, i got my new phone!! so happy about that. ^_^ and i'm now kept busy with books and an online game introduced my an old friend~ hopefully the days will be happy!!

time flies... and dnd is coming soon in just a couple of days. somehow i just don't feel ready for an event. it feels so cool to be able to go for a dinner and dance. my dinner and dance. for once, it's not some wedding or function with my parents. for once, it's going to be me getting prepped up. and for not the first time, i feel old.

i guess it's not the first time i have this feeling. i'm sure many do... but just feeling alittle jittery. it doesn't seem like me at all. it's like an old fantasy of mine to be going to parties and such. i never thought it'd ever come true. now i don't even feel like going. i don't know how to act. what to do. what to say. heck, i can't even dance.

well, maybe i can slow dance alittle. haha, but with whom? delong's not gonna be there, and i doubt i'll be dancing with anyone else. note the guy population in my course. the girl boy ratio is like 10 to 2, or 3 if you include the seniors into the population. which makes it all the more sound sad... oh well, if i'm lucky, maybe a girl will ask me to dance~

anyway, i've decided on what to wear for dnd... hopefully i don't look like an oddball. delong made me feel nervous when he called me to ask what others will be wearing so that i don't look like a freak. but when there's no one you would worry about looking at you, i guess being a mismatch doesn't really matter to me. yeah, i can see it now. in the hopefully not so near future, i'll be one haggy housewife (those with the messed up hair) vacuuming the floor in the afternoon and running after hyperactive kids. goodness, it sounds like a nightmare.

ok i think i need to get that image out of my head. i'll just try and enjoy whatever youth is left within me. haha, i managed to get my mom to buy heels for me! heels!! it's so amazing. i never imagined a size for my foot to be able to be found in singapore. i got my foot from my dad... and it's just horribly big. even in primary school... my friend's parents said "oh it's so big!" and another even said "hah! you have elephant feet!" so mean right? arghz. it only made me feel worse. if only someone would invent a shrinking feet device that requires no surgery and no pain... crap, i'm saying this knowing that it's impossible.

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
[new silver watch]
[fuji instax mini 25]
[travel to taiwan/hk]
[travel to hawaii]
[travel to maldives]
[travel to japan]
[travel to europe]

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