it has come to my strong attention that its a fact that:

beauty can be comprimised so long as you have a good figure.

it's true!!

wtf, i'm neither here nor there. *crys*
if only i had like some super hot figure... my looks can be comprimised... (in dreamy mode) even though... but compared to... *sigh*

i need to be thin. like, lose weight without losing my boobs (although i don't really mind losing abit of em.. beats having people call u names i wish not mention)
...
anyways, bmi is bull. it says 20 and below and you're considered underweight. i'm 20 point something and i look flabby. alex is underweight.

conclusion? aim to be underweight. its a nightmare to be heavier than your bf. *sudden flash of memory of samuel* thank god he's even heavier now (lucky he doesn't read my blog) yeah.. its the basic sense of security for gals mahz.

i'm having this special craving for meiji's coconut & nata yoghurt. =(

must go to harbourfront and buy laterz.. and hmm... maybe get a new foundation at watsons on the way. should i go for 2-way or liquid? hmm...

feels darn great to have money in my wallet again =D
well, even though the 4 digit have dropped to 3 (after paying debts here and there..) at least it beast 2 digits. see, i'm getting to be so optimistic~

anyways, i'm just wondering.. or i wonder why iits bugging me, but i'm just feeling kinda bothered by a forwarded message from chris. like.. "omg he sent an email!" was my first reaction. then after i realise its a forwarded message, i wondered why he sent that.. did it mean anything at all, or did it not?

is it suppose to be this way?
the bittersweet feeling when i chat with samuel.
the squeeze inside when i see delong.
or the aching pain whenever i think of chris.

i'm as lost as ever. as always.

its amazing how i've finally realised what i've really been missing ever since i changed department.

kan chiongness!

the thrill of rushing here and there, looking so busy and important when actually in reality i'm just a small fry running around for my boss over something i think i know of.

it dawned on me just moments ago while i was rushing here and there for my new boss, and i felt so happy! wierd huh?

its not like i don't enjoy the work i'm doing.. but my attention span is just soo short. i can't help it when i always fidget, find something to munch, start surfing the net or downlad flash animations.. the list goes on. then to all the public that passes by me, i look blardy free and useless. when in actual fact i'm just letting my laziness get into me by pushing work aside and 'piahing' when the dateline draws nearer.

sigh. its not pms right? its just me...

and just a couple of days ago i felt good losing weight. well a couple days ago before i got smacked with period. this sucks.

payday is still one day away~
of which when i get it, $400 will go to my mom.
$210 to sign up for my next jap course.
$130 to pay for another 2 driving lessons to refresh my memory on parking
$80 to top up my ex-link card.
$200 to repay debts...

lemme see, that leaves me with less than $200 to survive till next pay-day.
omg!? i haven't even set aside any money for shopping, an mc for ro or new ps2 games.

*crys in exclaimation*

someone just shoot me.

its amazing how i've finally realised what i've really been missing ever since i changed department.

kan chiongness!

the thrill of rushing here and there, looking so busy and important when actually in reality i'm just a small fry running around for my boss over something i think i know of.

just moments ago while i was rushing here and there, i felt so happy! wierd huh?

its not like i don't enjoy the work i'm doing.. but my attention span is just soo short. i can't help it when i always fidget, find something to munch, start surfing the net or downlad flash animations.. the list goes on. then to all the public that passes by me, i look blardy free and useless. when in actual fact i'm just letting my laziness get into me by pushing work aside and 'piahing' when the dateline draws nearer.

sigh. its not pms right? its just me...

and just a couple of days ago i felt good losing weight. well a couple days ago before i got smacked with period. this sucks.

payday is still one day away~
of which when i get it, $400 will go to my mom.
$210 to sign up for my next jap course.
$130 to pay for another 2 driving lessons to refresh my memory on parking
$80 to top up my ex-link card.
$200 to repay debts...

lemme see, that leaves me with less than $200 to survive till next pay-day.
omg!? i haven't even set aside any money for shopping, an mc for ro or new ps2 games.

*crys in exclaimation*

someone just shoot me.

& cramps. dammit

yay, got free movie tickets! somehow it seems like ages since i watched a movie..

feeling very lethargic. and its only monday?!? groans..

eating skittles...

isn't it such an irony that i love all the colours except orange but my boyfriend's chinese name somehow have to sounds like orange?

anyways, so nervous!!! driving test tomorrow... like, the chances of failing is so high... now i'm scared. Shall listen to maki and wear a short denium skirt + my trusty slippers. but what top? arghz..

then after the test i'll still need to return to sentosa.. all because i forgot to bring my bloody master key!! wait.. maybe i don't have to afterall!! ohh man.. i'm so dumb..

time kinda flies, and yet it doesn't.

forgive my contradiction, but it's really exactly how i feel. will be moving out of my seat next to genevieve like tomorrow. and it really only felt like i've only been sitting next to her for a couple of weeks. wait, it was only a couple of weeks. lol, i've barely joined as a full timer for a month. but she's been away so long on holiday & i've been lonely.

last time there was still azlin to chit chat andi really love the occasional tongue fights we had. great funny memories...

well, but i can't deny the fact that i'm really looking forward to getting my pay on the coming 27th. my only regret is that the great singapre sale ends before pay day!! like, wth! really sad. so broke now. can't shop & there's so many 'birthday & farewell payments'. coun't we all do it after 27th july? =(

also, i'm guilty of snacking... alot! feeling uber fat now. told gen and she said like die.. thats pure gluttony.. or something like that. man, i'm really guilty. but then when i think of the web article i read a couple days back, i'm also worried that if i cut off my intake of carbos, i'll start losing my muscles. damn.. why am i a yo-yo diet victim? it explains alot about my oh-so-flabby tummy, but the darn article didn't offer any solutions! like, come on! you're so head on with explaining and dignosing my problem, why don't you recommend like, which slimming centre i should go to or some miracle pills i can take man.. ok, they did scrutinise diet/slimming pills.. so i'm only left with the option of going to some slimming centre. sigh!

yea i'm never satisfied with my looks. am now trying to visualise myself 1 or 2 years later, slim and fair with long smooth hair.. i will achieve that goal! ok, make that target 1 year from now.. cos i'll need the time to grow my short hair.. then maybe if i really do fly to australia, i'll be.. so pretty~ lol. just joking.

ok back to work and study jap after work.. think i'll head to yoshinoya again. made relatively good progress in my revision.. i think. lol

i feel like i need some company.

just someone to sit beside me, hug me or just hold my hand. there's no need for words. perhaps cos i can't seem to put my thoughts in words and have a proper filled conversation.

i wonder why i keep running out of things to say.

anyways, sleep and money is also on my list.

********************************

i just turned for a moment and saw my pink bear lying on the table in some kinda 'dead' pose.

really kinda freaky.

anyways.. am gonna try doing some jap revision later at long john's. like, finally.. i haven't done any at all throughout the whole course. i have really little confidence of passing and advancing to intermediate 1. makes me worried what'll happen if i sign up for it.. and my next worry.. is the time slot. thursday evening or saturday morning?

bleahz...

i'm diagnoised with dysthymia...

Dysthymia is also known as minor depression, though this condition is anything but. Dysthymia is a milder yet more chronic type of depression that affects women 2-3 times more often than men. You probably feel that you have been lacking zest and enthusiasm for your entire life - so much so that you start to think that this is part of your pessimistic personality, and that it's normal to always feel depressed and hopeless.

You are probably unable to remember a time when you actually felt happy or excited. You're likely to be inactive and withdrawn, may have difficulty enjoying fun activities. Because of your introverted and pessimistic outlook of life, you probably have difficulties in your social life, and thus do not have many friends. Other possible symptoms include feelings of guilt, irritability and poor self-esteem.

maybe i was alot like that in the past, but i'm better now! i'm mostly inactive and withdrawn because of my laziness, and i do enjoy fun activities.. but there ain't much to begin with, or maybe i was just lack zest to participate? ah wells..

i didn't watch the full match of world cup finals, barely watched a full half time match! ... but i'm still bloody tired. *sigh*

i'm supposed to be doing up a workschedule for a camp coming next wednesday. but its so... BORING!!

argh..~! i've thus spent the last one and a half hours surfing the net, reading random blogs, reading ffx-2 walkthroughs and channelnewsasia.com (0.0!!)

and i just made an appointment to cut my hair at tampines later. i know i shouldn't.. but i really can't resist it anymore!! i can actually remember telling myself not to go get a haircut for like over 20 times now.. just 'ren' for another month or 2.. even my colleagues unknowing of my innermost feelings have gave me encouragements, saying that i look so much better with my hair long.. that i shouldn't cut my hair again! okok, i promise its only going to be a trim ok? promise!!

then maybe later if time permits (i estimate that there should be enough time), i'll squeeze in an eye-brow trim and express manicure before heading to the airport to send off my cousin. please do not think i'm trying to look good for the farewell night, but its just all my pamperish desires i've been craving for the past couple of weeks, all squeezed in less than 2 hours. and i say weeks of desires! it's unbelieveable how 'hectic' my schedule is. =p

oh yea, and i still wanna take a passport size photograph.. hey you never know ah.. i may pass my driving test and use it. ahahah.. seriously speaking i'm having an ultra low confidence in my driving now, coz i haven't practiced in like a month. ok, should not think further else i'll freak myself out even more than i should. i must pass!!!

can't wait to go home and play my final fantasy x-2.. you just can't have something as great as a ps2, and not have a rpg game to play it on~!!

god bless alvin!!! *jumps*

suddenly i realise, or at least i think i am, experiencing a relationship crisis.

the kind where suddenly each party seem to lost things to say to each other. there's no time for each other. or, in my case, easily irritated especially to alex.

its like, suddenly all the questions he asks seems so dumb or something? haiz.

anyways, i'm so bloody broke. its infuriating! i'm suppose to see an additional $250 increase in my bank account and all that came, is $100. how could they possibly have deducted $150 as CPF? any primary school kid can calculate for you that 150/250 is 75%. CPF should only be a 20% deduction. so.... WTF??

i must be losing it. this is so not me to be using such.. vocabulary.

sigh. i want a ps2 rpg game...

just had like this turkey ham with cheese and capsicum baguette from delifrance. mm~ its soo tasty when it's warm and freshly baked from the oven. but man, i didn't know that its so freakin expensive. unaware of the price, i took out $4 expecting a change after staff discount.. but i was told it cost $4.30 afte discount! event my lunch at seah im don't cost so much!

definately felt the pinch of the high cost of living on my bus ride to ma office. i must say, it really was good though.. or maybe i was just too hungry.. *shrugs*

i might be deluding myself but i still feel that i'd definately feel lighter if i was given another 2 hours of sleep. seriously. from today onwards i'm going to drink lots and lots of water, and try my utmost best to sleep as much as i can. i've also got an ulcer, so i'm sure the water would help that aside from my complexion. sleepwise.. i might as well do so not only to lose the extra weight, but since i haven't got any rpg games to play on my ps2, i might as well store up the energy 1st right?

anyway, reality is on a small crisis for me. perhaps its the pms. i think i've been giving alex a rather hard time. stubborn me just seem to be picking for a fight with all the things i say. rejecting all the comfort when all i'm really craving for is a big warm hug. *pulls hair* argh. but hah! mom came to my room yesterday with a rather black face, asking why i never tell her i'm home. i was in a rather off mood already so i threw all the thoughts i had about my cousin on her. what he did and how i felt about it. i ended up saying it in a rather harsh voice close to screaming and i'm glad my mom could tell i was damn pissed. so so so! she left my room and quietly closed the door. haha. so you wanna scream? lemme start 1st next time. she always thinks she's the unfortunate one with an unfilial child, stupid husband and what shit. aside from the minimal household chores she just laze at home and watch tv. she don't tell me what she's doing cos its so apparent, she don't even need to. but its not like she have much of a decency to tell me when there's a change of plans either. one really shouldn't bother asking. in the end, she'll just end up being more suspicious of you over what? i can't be bothered to figure.

so as i was saying, being in this dumb mood that i am in.. why say hi to her and look for trouble right? i was also already alittle hot over alex forgetting that i've told him i forgot to bring out my cell phone. i was literally hot and tired the moment i got home from jap class and the 1st button i pressed was so coincidentally an answer to alex's call. just imagine me getting alittle angry, then see so many missed calls, dumb msg asking if its true i didn't bring my cell (duh, if its true how u expect me to reply u?) and then there was this one sweet msg. smthing about travelling to different countries for honeymoon and what it meant. but whats done is done. i could only ignore the msg and manifest in my own anger, then try and watch all the comedy programmes on tv to try and settle down. with that, i ended up sleeping at 1am and i'm blardy tired now. sigh.

i don't know who would actually read, but i would really like to show my appreciation for everyone who made my 20th birthday, a happy one.

despite how everything is last minute, & quite rather unplanned.. i'm thankful for the people who made me smile inside and out, over the span of 3 - 4 days.

previously i was also troubled.. cos its funny how a birthday is suppose to bring about a time of celebration, but you'll also come to reflect on the friends you have. if none, it's just like a reminder of how lonely you are. i think i kinda went into a mild depression for awhile because of it. (the rest was caused by pms)

just caught superman yesterday with yiling, hester, si yuan & guo wei. the show was great, but the most important person who was suppose to watch it with us didn't show up.

my cousin.

it was sorta a last outing before he flew to australia and he didn't show up. to think that he was the one who came up with the idea and then later text yiling that he already watched it. i'm just so convinced that its a so much more than that.

scenario 1 - he asked yiling on a date, said he'll treat, but yiling asked more people and he couldn't refuse.. then come up with such a lame excuse to not show up.

scenario 2 - he really watched it in the past few days, but just didn't have the courtesy or manners to tell SOMEONE about it. i mean come on, when we were all deciding on the timing when booking the tickets, you can say you watched it right? we all only found out when we were all gathered at the cinema.

scenario 3 - i can't think of any already. the two above are enough to keep me on fire from yesterday till now.

but even though he didn't show up. i tagged along to shop for his farewell prezzie and chipped in. gave him a call and he sounded tired but he say he'll call me tonight. i wanted to test out smth on his ps2 and borrow a couple of games. is that too much? by 10pm, i KNEW he must have totally forgotten, can't be bothered or just didn't want to call me. FINE. i msged him to say forget it and guess what? nothing! not even a sorry i forgot to call or whatsoever.

alex made a comment before that i didn't want to admit. now i feel like i have to agree totally! hrmph.

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
[new silver watch]
[fuji instax mini 25]
[travel to taiwan/hk]
[travel to hawaii]
[travel to maldives]
[travel to japan]
[travel to europe]

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