haha, been so long since i last written anything in my blog. again. ahh.. its not neglected.. but lately i've just been busy. be it keeping myself busy or being "really" busy, frankly, i don't know. recently i stll remember i had some kind of mini mood swing and a little kind of loss of identity. not that i don't know who i am.. but suddenly i was doubting myself.. doubting my relationship and my ability to handle things. then i had the chance to talk to some people like shaun. and i realise how different it is to see it from another's point of view. then i also had a chance to talk to jane and she confirmed with me that it was just a passsing phase. and i guess i really believe in that.. cos now, i'm feeling better and i'm just telling myself to stay focused on the things at hand.. instead of spending so much time on being pessimistic. =)

the weather's been rainy and shiny, hot and cold, cloudy and clear, and everything more to me these days. have no idea why i have the sudden love for it but i seem to be dazing at the clouds ever so often... is there a reason for this..?

well, at least to summarise things, i went for the swim meet last wednesday, didn't exactly win anything like a medal, but at least i beat my own personal timing, which i believe is still an achievement worth being happy about. Kelvin said i did a good plunge and he said i made alot of improvement. haha, there's else i can ask for with that.. or maybe to do better ba. thursday was busy and filled with meetings. but actually everyone was suffering from brain deadness. i went home early, only to realise that i haven't bought the ribbon needed for the Saffron menu. so, instead of catching some sleep, i had to go all the way back to tampines interchange, spotlight. the trip would have been much more enjoyable if i didn't have a small arguement with my mom earlier , and the realisation that delong was not within reach, as in contact, was nerve wrecking. somehow. and he didn't even apologise sincerely.. haiz.

whatever, on friday things were hecktic. i had to wake up in what i would call the wee hours and the sky was still black. but because i was so tired, my body hardly moved with any speed. so i left home at seven in the morning. not exactly the time i wanted, but it wasn't as dark, and the morning breeze was really comforting. had help from irene, nixon and natasha to finish up the menus before Saffron started. thank goodness we finished in time. hmm, then again, what we really finished, was the roll of ribbon. turns out that one roll isn't enough so i need to make another trip to spotlight again.. sigh, the trouble.

well, after school, i went for my sports club retreat, which, heh, i'm still here, waiting for the bbq. i shall let myself be served and save the effort of cooking least i burnt it and make it inedible. tired as hell now, but somehow comforted to know that i got elected as vice president for sports club. when i got the results that i was tied with three other person, i wasn't afraid, but was wondering what it would be like to have the others as vice-p. anyway, didn't have much to continue my train of thought when i remembered that i had two friends who were supposed to vote for me, but didn't bring their matrix card. so... actually, i could have lead! hah.

anyway, yeah, its history. wonder what the future ahead will bring. oh yeah, especially when delong's been elected as bsc president. i wasn't very suprised, but of course i had my doubts. now its a fact.. my only fear is knowing that we will be busy, with a purpose. life's gonna get interesting.. as long as my studies aren't affected, i guess... i'll still be fine with it.

if anyone want to know who, or what karsten is... he's my pet hamster. lived to a short age of a year plus, where it spent about three months at my place and the rest of its' remaining days at delong's house. couldn't let it continue to stay on at my place 'cos my mom claims that she's allergic to little hammy. so i guess i can't say that i've been very responsible in the process of taking care of karsten... but that doesn't mean that i'm not sad by it's departure nonetheless.. if animal heaven existed like what leigh said.. i hope it's doing doing fine there.
 
so tired.. so stressed up. things seem to pile up endlessly and i have to really sit down and sort them out one by one. a good way that i'm currently using, is pretending that i'm some kind of great organiser. feeling that nothing can blow me away, i imagine what i'd do if i were to be a pro. gives you a little change of perspective, and somehow things don't seem as difficult. but it's not easy to manage and maintain.. try living in my schedule for a month. if it doesn't build you, it'll definately kill you. or so i think. well, at least i'm really losing weight with all the pressure and exercise.. i'm trying to look at it from a positive point of view.
 
i'm praying, really really hard that i'll be able to finish my marketing slides, b.e.s.e essay and ob progress report by tomorrow afternoon, leaving time for me to have a short little tution in the evening with delong over accounts as my last minute preparation for wednesday's test. then maybe, with a load off my mind, i'll be able to swim well.. i've recieved some shocking news that i'd got some supporters. delong and leigh to name a few.. makes me all the more nervous.. and with all the experienced swimmers.. i'd count myself lucky not to swim in last. ahh.. so pai seh.. the key lies in the start of the plunge.. so far, be it luck or anything, kelvin - my coach's presence always ensured me to swim better, or at least, plunge successfully. i just don't want to screw up badly on the actual day.. so i'd also pray that he'll be there to support me... even if i won't win. hah.
 
trained really hard today. so i was really tired by the end of the day.. and 'cos i arrived late and didn't do any warm-ups, i cramped my arm while practicing my plunging and my knees hurt as i swam my laps. gosh, i just hope none of these happen on wednesday... anything but wednesday. i get kind of jittery just thinking about it. sheesh..
 
oh yeah.. and the elections are finally coming.. i can't wait for it to be over already. *sigh* my fingers are crossed whether i'd have enough votes to secure my place as vice-president for sports club. and there's an additional fear whether the rest of the team will be able to make it into the management commettiee instead of all the japalang people that don't seem to be involved before and are suddenly new nominees running for elections with everyone. sometimes i would so very much like to screw 'em. =p
 
talk about screwing people, my basic entreprenurship teacher is also one worth my effort. i can't help disliking her. i actually made an effort to arrive for school early, and was one of the first few who came to class. but we had to wait for people who have not crystalised their ideas to go first. not that i mind a few going ahead of me.. but slowly as more late comers came with their ideas unformed.. i was forced to wait and wait.. until fianlly, after almost fifty minutes of waiting, she tells me and some of my other friends that she don't have enough time and we would just have to submit out paper to her and she'll review it, give some comments and we have to collect it back from her from her teacher's desk! talk about wasting my time.. she could have said so earlier and i wouldn't have to sit there in the room doing nothing. or she could have spent her time talking about more constructive stuff instead of telling every student she sees how late they are seeing her. it's just kind of unfair. she could have very well shortened her speech instead of repeating the same things over and over again, dragging everyone's time. arghz, i could almost complain about her until thee sun rise up again. count it as my bad luck~ hmmph!
 
no point broading over it.. hopefully, if everything can go smoothly as planned, i'll only be left with applied research survey and objectives to do.. some articles to search for ob.. though none due this week.. which also means more time to breathe. ah.. will also have to talk to nixon and probably organise another meeting to discuss further on the saffron theme... but for now.. i think i'll hit the sacks.

woke up in the afternoon, still feeling tired, but with the sense of appreciation that my mom didn't call me up. somehow i don't know how to discribe this day. on my way out it drizzled and i couldn't make a thought. called delong and still felt frazzled.
 
as i made my way to somerset for service at xue ting's "church" my mood stayed low all the way. i couldn't make a smile.. and i think i may even have looked aggresive..? cos somehow the people you usually see standing around for coin donations and those promoters around giving flyers all either took a look at me and turned away, or attempted a half step and changed their mind. except for one boy... too bad i didn't have any coins.
 
the service wasn't too bad. there was the event of center stage, which is like a mini american idol. and the sermon is still the best i've ever heard. why the best? cos it's relative, funny, and i'm never asleep. that pastor cheong is by far the first and only pastor that can keep me awake during sermons... either that, or i'm a very poor listener. well, i do fall sleep in lectures all the time anyway, so i guess it must be the latter that is true.
 
wanted to go to far east to shop abit, and look for the ear rings for leigh.. but mom disagreed on the phone saying that it's too late. so i just bought some bread from bread talk as she requested and took a 1 hr bus ride home. good thing i brought my headset and could listen to the radio throughout the journey. lots of feelings flashed through this time and i really can't comprehand all of them.. only that i almost cried. somehow i held back the tears... shall put it aside and think of school work.. yeah, i think thats more constructive. feels great to know that i got marketing and b.e.s.e covered. what i need to finish this weekend would only be my business proposal and reading through applied research. its going to be yet another busy week... sigh. maybe i can look forward to alittle shopping tomorrow.

currently glued to the chair in one of the business lab, doing "work". and somehow i feel as if i haven't made any progress..

*sigh*

but other than that, today has been quite a nice day. the heavy rain in the morning was enough to drown my foot, and not to mention the cold... quite fun! haha.. i gave applied research tutorial a pass as i arrived ten minutes late.. (or was it twenty?) i don't think i would have learnt anything anyway.. so i just borrowed irene's book after the lesson to copy notes and answers to the tutorial questions they did earlier. will try to study that book when i get home... hopefully, with all my other work already done. then again, back home, my story book is quite a distraction since its much more appealing compared to zhang wei's textbk. bleah.

but i'm also getting alittle distracted now.. the thought "vice-president" for sports club sounds pretty big huh? would i be up for it? i bumped into jamie and he asked if i was interested in the position just moments ago. felt real flattered even though i did consider the post before. but with the election going on, since there's 14 nominees, could i really chalk up enough votes to be the second highest fo vp? it's all so unpredictable.. and to think that i'm not even doing any advertising or campaign to gain any support whatsoever. arghz, got to take things slowly.. project work first, i'll leave the rest of any planning to jamie.

things due next week..
1.accounts test on 21st july 5.30pm
2.swim meet a.k.a my 1st competition on 21st july straight after test
3.preparing for saffron mock test on the 23rd july
4.marketing report and reaction paper due 23rd july 5pm
5.basic entreprenurship proposal due 23rd july, probably 5pm too
6.sports club retreat on 23rd and 24th july
7.organisational behaviour progress report, well, at least a draft.
8.applied research objectives, seriously i don't know when this is due..

i think i can go nuts! well, at least delong's in a happier mood today.

yeah, suddenly tiredness is overwheming me. the initial rush of swimming in the pool has faded.. and now, sitting in front of the computer screen just makes my eyes seem ten times heavier.

the weather's getting pretty cold these days, i think i better put a jacket in my locker. but that's probably the least important of the things i should be doing. and i'm not the only one feeling stressed. delong's been quite tight ever since the briefing over the coming elections. initially, i felt pretty uptight too, especially right after the meeting yesterday. knowing that it won't be an easy journey since it requires time, commitment and responsiblity made it quite hard to swallow. and the reminder i got from my student advisor and former president confirmed my fears. i felt a tinge of regret, wishing i didn't sign up for this cos it'll mean less time for myself, delong, my work and any other things i love to do. but backing out then would only show how useless i'd really be since i haven't even put myself to the challenge. With a "take things one at a time" kind of attitude, i made myself believe that half the pressure has been lifted. then i went off to meet revo, oddeye and poplar at tampines kfc. they really helped me loosen up unknowingly. i guess it does feel better to talk about it, even though the other party don't really understand how i'm really feeling, it helped that they were really sympathetic.

so i'm feeling much better, but i don't know what to do to help him. i'm just thankful we didn't quarrel today after my swimming training. getting a better hand of plunging into the pool, though sometimes i still fumble and my goggles will be filled with water or just slip off. it only seems that when my instructor is looking that i seem to plunge perfectly. i'm gonna register for the 50m breaststroke event in the upcoming annual swim meet on the 21st july. my seniors just tell me to go for the experiece, but i really want to win something.. so i'll train harder.. and hopefully, my instructor will be there to support, and i'll be able to make a good headstart with a good plunge. =p

ok, shall attempt to call delong..

the night was so foggy as i noticed on my way home with delong today. wow, i never thought singapore would have fogs.. (excluding those caused by the burning of trees from neighbouring countries)

anyway, today started off quite horribly actually. i gave my dad the chance to nag at me by asking him to send me to school since he was on the way out. big mistake. i'll not talk about it.. arghz. all that comes to me, are evil evil thoughts..
sheesh.

nothing much on my mind now.. though i think my only regret, is not being able to watch the korean movie windstruck today, especially when i sacrificed a swimming lesson for it.

sigh.. loads of stuff to do.. datelines starting to flash through my head..

*sigh*

been home all day today, so i didn't get to see the sky. i couldn't even see how the weather was like.

i slept till noon and missed church, but it wasn't long before delong & jing guo came over for a "study session" where jing guo was really studying, delong was playing ro on my com, and me reading book 5 of harry potter. i started reading and i found it quite nice, so i just read and read.. it was a much better alternative to doing accounts right? after probably an hour and a half (or less) we had a break and studying again didn't pick up at all for the rest of the day. we tried playing on my playstation and i even taught jing guo how to play twinkle twinkle little star after the choice of canon in d proved too difficult. another girl came to join us later.. she's supposedly from dragonboat, but a year younger, and so is just their junior. naturally, i have never met her, so i didn't know her at all.. and felt pretty uncomfortable. i thought she did as well..? i dunno. saw some neoprints they took together and felt a tinge inside. couldn't help staring at her arm over the guys. or rather, over him. well, i tried to put that behind my mind and continued to play alittle monopoly together. had kfc delivery for lunch and they slacked around till about ten before going for dinner. or is it supper? well, they all left and i still don't feel close to the girl at all.

back alone at home.. enjoying the solitude.. wishing it would be longer.. wishing it would last. but i have a hunch my parents may be coming home soon after i post this entry, and schools' gonna make my life go topsy turvy again. it's gonna be a busy week.. and knowing that the datelines and tests are coming the week after... i can only let out a sigh now...

a few more hours and monday's back.. well, at least i could still look forward to swimming~

i guess when u have nothing better to do, all you'll probably notice, is the weather. and somehow whenever i look at the sky, i can get lost in the clouds. its a hobby i should take up and do for life one day...

but for now, i feel kinda inadequate. feeling emotional and bored, all jumbled and mixed up. not something uncommon, but i just feel like dwelling in it. or should i turn in early? plently of stuff to do that i don't have the mood to and so i'm just putting it off for the moment. no harm done since the dateline ain't here yet.. and besides, its still friday! got a nice weekend to rest and i can't make up my mind whether i should spend it by reviatalising myself or go to the beach with liegh. spending time at home ain't a problem but i don't know about going to the beach. my dad has really been giving me an attitude and we're like on pretty bad terms. or so i feel that way. he's like stepping on my tail or trying to pull my fur or something. just don't understand him. generally, i don't understand men, guys, or even boys for that matter. so i'm trying not to do anything to prokoke him or anything that might start of an argument. then again, going to the beach does sound very attractive. all the games and bazaar. not to mention its also kinda like a little gal outing.
arghz.

i wondering if i should spend time on the computer now... it's amazing how long i can just sit in fron of this screen and play my online game, or do my work for hours. my books on the shelves are so neglected. though on the other hand, it does help me save money since i don't go out.. hmm.. then again i guess i should stay home more often then.. cos i got a hole in my pocket..

sigh, just got news that karsten isn't doing well. my poor ol' hamster.. i miss it.. yet.. if only my mom didn't freak out about animals... worst thing is, i don't remember it since i haven't seen it. it's so neglected.. i'm so worried that it'll pass away.. not to mention that it's about one year old now.
*sobs*

i'm pure irresponsible.

the woes of a teenager are endless. the work, the pressure, the stress and whatever. my dad has been going paranoid lately and ironically it's my mom who's the sane one. somehow i wish i could be stuck on the ceiling instead of letting them continiously drive me up the wall.

i think i'm hearing a call from god. maybe i need to reflect on myself or something. hearing quotes and talks on christianity seem to be reminding me about a promise i made to god. a promise... that i forgot. i'm so.. so.. guilty.

sigh.. and now i'm also tired. been out the whole day and i didn't even get enough rest yesterday. started school as early as 9 in the morning and i even slept during tutorial. luckily my response was quick when the teacher called my name. really close call. after that i had a little group meeting that was actually just a meeting to eat together since our material wan't with us. then its off to century square to check on the timing for the movie windstruck. felt bad that i let down charlene for the second time... i though i could watch it with her. sigh.. well, at century square i also met up with yiling and we talked about going for the basic theory course together (useless info to me now...) and after hanging around till 2 plus, i went back to school for a gyming session with leigh. how i wish i could do that more often.. really hope that i'll be in the same class as her next semester. well, met up with deming and had an early dinner at swensens. my jaw practically dropped when he told me he signed a bond of 10yrs with the police academy. wow. at least the good thing is, he doen't need to go for ns since he's also somewhat in the government service. baked rice was quite horrible, but desserts never fail to cheer me up. had brownies and vanilla ice cream.. mmm, yum yum. i think i won't be having any sort of main course at swens anytime soon. just desserts =D. then i caught a last minute call from revo that there's a guild outing at tampines.. talk about good timing ^^! met miff, moo, oddeye, poplar and revo. all ro gaming friends and according to them, its the 1st time one was organized with 2 girls present. didn't do much, just walked around and chatted along the way. really thankful that revo helped me carry my bag on our way home. it was such a killer to my shoulders..

oh well, though i can't learn to drive anytime soon, someday then.. i'm sure that day will come, so i shall be patient.. and wait. well, pray for a better tomorrow. yup, there's always tomorrow..

thats probably going to be the state of my eyes for the whole of this semester.. and no concealer may be good enough to hide it. somehow i can predict myself saying "the day is still young" to myself more often than i'd even like to. late nights anyone?

still pretty much in a dreamy mood.. don't know what to do, or actually, i do know what to do, but i'm just too lazy to go about doing it. the thought of why bother? comes to mind immediately..
well, i know better.

school today was... draggy. first was the long slow-motion talk for BESE.. then it was the long-winded crap from ms goh in accounts. my first impression of her weren't that bad, but after today's lesson, she's as good as condemned. arghz. during her lesson, i was nothing but evil. bleah.

then there was swimming. love the waters, love the pool, but somehow i feel odd in the team. maybe i've yet to get used to everyone..? though i feel strongly that it's because i'm joining in as a yr2 student.. which only means one thing.. i'm old. too old to mix with the yr1s, too new to mix with the seniors. left out? ignored? lonely? yeah, these feelings come and go... can't even seem to swim properly today. sigh.. or maybe it's because the coach isn't here today. i dunno, for now, i'm just beat. too tired to look through tomorrow's notes, too lazy to think about anything else either.

don't know why but i seem to be thinking alot today. i was like approaching myself and saying "oh yeah thats why" or "yeah, its like this" and even "i know i shouldn't have done that" and many more that i guess would be better left forgotten.

am i going nuts?

feeling so childish all of a sudden. i'm starting to feel afraid that i can't do well this semester again. frankly i just want to enjoy school life and hang out at the mall or something.. but the projects are pouring in and i see deadlines flashing. basically i'm just lost. crap. i wish life was much easier than this.

sigh, and now to add some weight to my thoughts i've got online ro matters to trouble over. will go online and see what i can do later.. compile notes first. thats why i'm still in school at this ungodly hour in the first place. even delong has already finished his training and are going for dinner with his friends. i'm so hungry.. but i doubt i'll have anything once i'm done and i get home.

the urge to just go into a daze is overwhelming.

finally met up with amos and amelia after like... a year? lolx.. how time flies.. amelia couldn't even recognise me! hmm.. well, we spent most of the time walking around quite aimlessly and wondering around the "hidden" and "dark" alleys of bugis streets..? wait actually there was an aim... to find a place to sit down and chat really.. but somehow it was deem impossible as we couldn't find a comfortable place to sit anywhere. haha, we ended up doing a little shopping for amos, helping him choose some clothes that was on sale~ was his fashion consultant for like 10 minutes? (maybe i could start charging for this, heh) we took a nice neo card and settled at delifrance.. it was nice catching up with them ^^.

delong came by soon after and i gave a small intro.. funny how many "hi"s was exchanged.. haha, i did get alittle worried. well, after parting, we walked around and i got myself a cute shirt that made me look slim~ (oops) and we took a neocard.. haha, my second in a day, but i haven't taken a neocard with him since may, so i guess i couldn't be bothered with the way the girl at the counter looked at me.. uh huh.

well, it's a simple day.. had dinner before going home and mom's been pretty polite to me, while my dad seems agitated. i have no idea what's gotten into him, and i don't think i have much energy to bother either. still more or less letting myself swing with my mood, but i'm starting to get a better grip. can't wait for swimming tomorrow! i wonder why...

well, nomatter, it's going to be a long day...

sigh, no point regretting what's already been done.. so i guess it's still best to regain silence.

keep cool. keep calm.

and remember, it's always my fault.

yea, don't know if its some kind of hormonal changes or anything... but i'm feeling so tired. used up all my energy running around in school and doing all the extra curricular stuff, my timetable is going haywire. somehow i've scheduled myself to be a very busy person. too busy. and now i'm just starting to feel the strain. i wonder how long i can last.. but who cares? i don't know... cos i just have this urge to keep doing things, keep learning things.. and stay out of the house. somehow i feel my mom's giving me this slightest bit more of freedom and i guess i'm like abusing it. i can't believe i'm actually thinking of working part time along the way this semester. heck with studies, i don't feel like caring about it. but somewhere at the back of my head, someone's saying that i do and another voice is telling me not to be stupid but get a grip.

argh, i hate everything. suddenly i feel like screaming at everyone and smashing the things around me. is this some kind of early menapausal syndrome? yuck. i just feel totally wierd all of a sudden, just not myself. and yea, i don't understand why people can't understand. how am i supposed to convey anything to anyone? i'll definately look like some kind of psycho. cos i still can't really get a hold of myself. i'm not independent at all. i hate it that i'm so dependent of people.. but it's not like i'm doing anything to change anything. i wonder how people get the brains and the brauns and the fame and the fawn.. am i using my words correctly? haha, going nuts now. one moment i'm organized and crappy.. next i'm blabberish and sucidal. yeah, i pretty much hate myself.

now i'm trying to reflect... how many other teens are there out there who are thinking about the same thing i am? how many are there, running away from problems and hiding from reality? maybe its just a moment of sadness that will pass... but for now, i don't know what to think. it's so easy to give people advice, but its so hard to put the things i say to people to encourage myself.

failure. dissapointment. stress. fatigue.

there's nothing stronger than these feelings now.

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
[new silver watch]
[fuji instax mini 25]
[travel to taiwan/hk]
[travel to hawaii]
[travel to maldives]
[travel to japan]
[travel to europe]

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