Wednesday, September 26, 2007 @11:47 PM
empty
i have got nothing to give.
looking for comfort and love? i'm sorry but i've got none.
sorry i can't offer anything, i've got nothing to give.
there's this much pain inside me i can't let out. somehow i tell myself i'm ok, but somehow i'm just not.
so glad that at least yesterday my day was made better with dinner at yi xiang and sito's place. i can't stand being around my cousin much now. don't really like his gf. can't stand all the exchange of dilects i can't understand. can't stand seeing so many couples around me. can't stand being so left out. alone. lonely. and distant.
let me just stay in a world of my own. i don't need more pain. so tired...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007 @11:07 PM
distant future
i was just reminded of this short story cheryl let me read during one of the lectures yesterday. it was about how this newly wed couple prioritized a list of things they'd do together. activities were usually done together and when one party didn't like an activity, a comprimise was still drawn to make the other happy.. when out, they were constantly in a world of their own.
10 years later, they had 2 kids and the priority was now keeping the kids happy on any trips out, as otherwise it would just make things difficult and unenjoyable. one party is now too tired to comprimise and totally wouldn't participate in the activity altogether. practically no activities were done together and the couple had almost nothing to say to each other.
seriously i was quite horrified. it was like a sign or something... or am i just imagining too much? does that mean i have to find a partner who likes gaming? haha.. then again 2 gamers in the house might mean no dough on the dining table. its bad enough that i game like a fairy...
wish i had a pet dog, cat or hamster... all keong's fault... they look so adorable... sigh, though i know its just not practical.. shall try to do some studying and revision.. so glad the holidays are here! :D
Tuesday, September 18, 2007 @10:38 AM
like finally
sigh, missed the deadline for my last essay, and found out melissa didn't had in hers too.. though i guess the next natural thing that came to mind is.... i hope many others didn't hand i too!!
except for david, jack, cheryl and huimin. yea.. hope so many didn't hand in that they'll not deduct any marks for 1 day's late submission.. haa....
i couldn't help it la.. writers block.. i think? when you've been writing essay after essay.. perhaps some would be used to it, but i certainly am not la.. die, to much of a slacker..
but nevermind, its finally over and i can finally finally play games!! weeee~
ok la, there's still tutorials... there's another law quiz this friday of which i have yet to study... the worst is over. and next week's a holiday too! =D
i want to watch hairspray and the rat movie....
Sunday, September 16, 2007 @1:22 AM
sometimes
sometimes i browse through blogs of friends and people i don't know and besides the entertainment, sometimes i wonder how it would be like in living their lives. how would you have imagined to be in mine?
sometimes i feel so small and puny. that i'm so simple-minded and naive when i'm not exactly so, yet in contrast and comparison to others, i am.
sometimes i wish for more things. things that are not necessary and life would probably change just momentarily because of it, before reverting back to how it was.. but i still want them.
i'm in university, yet my knowledge and life is still in a standstill. i'm still in denial of reality and it pains me more than ever to think of the money i need to earn, the house, the job, the work, the responsibilities, the life of my future... everything is a blur and so dim. sure there might be good times ahead but for the most part of it, i can just see how its going to drain and suck the life force out of me. i feel like i owe a debt to the world.
its so tiring..
yes i feel rather tired.. and i know it will get only worse as i grow older. sometimes you forget and it doesn't occur to you about the burdens on your back. life is good and you live counting each day that pass by. and perhaps for some others, they plan about their future and work hard towards it. and theres those very few that are extremely talented and if you know someone like that, you'll also know how inspiring, yet depessing it is to see them pursue their dreams.
because i'm just an ordinary girl. with a family, some friends, a boyfriend and it makes me a very lucky girl. so i'm thankful to god for his blessings thus far.
at this point though, i'm perhaps alittle depressed and sad over perhaps a minor issue. i'm more than ever, hoping to die young and peacefully. though i had some happy times and am usually grateful to have company, at this point wish i had broken up with alex long ago. i don't know how long i can stand the dificulty in communication. the difference in mindset. the misunderstandings. the lack of faith. the pain of feeling that i have a boyfriend. but its one that doesn't understand me or knows how i feel.
i tried hard for this relationship. i really did...
i hung on when pleaded. i comprimised when i didn't feel like it. and i offered the alternative i feel is best even though its not agreed. so i listened. i tried to understand. i tried to believe. i could imagine a future though it seemed so far away. i tried to keep my promises. i tried to encourage and be there. i tried to control the emotions. i tried telling you what i feel in hope that you will understand. i tried to forget the pain of the past. i tried to love. i really did.
sigh.
as they always say, the happiest thing on earth, is to love and be loved in return. might happen, but it doesn't last.
Sunday, September 09, 2007 @11:17 PM
comb and scissors
yes, gotta blog this.. about 2 hours ago.. i cut tuo's hair in my bathroom.. hur hur~
for some unknown reason i get really excited when i say "let me cut your hair".. and my experience? aside from cutting my own hair, few people let me do some snipping least i do more damage to their crown. yes, they are always so afraid.. (perhaps partially b'cos i look too excited? haha) so unfortunately for tuo, the cut from school didn't seem as good as it originally looked in the beginning and somehow.. he agreed to let me cut!
at first i did have second thoughts the moment tuo so confidently sat in front of me and there i was holdingthe scissors and comb.. combing.. combing.. gosh, the hair felt unexpectedly short. but i really wanted to help do something.. so i snip and i snip.....
frankly i think i could have done better.. and i'm thankful tuo said it was alright.. even ash n jun xian agreed.. i admit.. it's not fantastic.. but it helped alittle.. i hope =x
well, though i had to wash the toilet after that, i still feel kinda.. happy? haha..
i think the 1st time i cut a guy's hair is delong.. he agreed to let me cut cos he was gonna get it cut anyway. so he agreed to let me 'play' with his hair. but it wasn't fun and i quickly lost interest cos i didn't know where to start and i felt bad.. he looked quite worried seeing me with scissors and comb. hmph
the second boy was my nephew. i think he was.. 9 years old? or maybe younger.. can't remember. his mom thrust me with the shaver and just asked me to "cut". so... i helped myself. :D mind u, it turned out handsome ok. that cute little boy.. i just can't remember whether it was glenn or his younger brother gorden.
and so tuo is number 3! haha..
weather's so cold.. there goes 2 yrs and 1 month anniversary.. no greetings or whatsoever.. as expected.. have less then 3 days till my essay's due.. still reading journal articles.. argh....
Saturday, September 08, 2007 @7:02 PM
essays coming due!!!
gosh i don't know why i'm still not working hard. somehow i've been unable to get into the 'mood' to study. its bad...
watched himitsu no hanazono (means secret garden) on cruncyroll last night. i finished the whole series.. and slept only at 8.30am.. so i didnt go to west end market and i feel kinda sad for trading away my social life. b'cos i slept till mid-noon i missed going to taringa for fish n chips with ash and the boys.
o wells, its past and i shouldn't be going out anyway. have also controlled my urge to log in to msn cos i know time flies super fast when you're chatting, and i can't never read my human resource articles and make any sense of what i'm reading when there's so many messages. i focus more on the conversation and after 2 hours, i'd probably still be on the 1st page, chatted nonsense and increased my urge for gaming. it's a lose lose situation.
sigh. will have to try to focus till 17th september. yea.. gotta work hard... ahh...
and then, there's this thing i never realised before. how yesterday, out of the blue whilst feeling the madness of the articles in my head, i walked over to my mobile and decided to call alex. there was this cringe inside.. the familiarity of his voice suddenly in my head and the cold truth that we're so far apart. we haven't spoken for quite some time or chatted on msn since it has been down with a virus of some sort.
and i thought i was coping well, with school, friends and games keeping me occupied so i don't think too far.. i thought i was alright.. but i'm not.
right from the beginning i hated long distance relationsips. but there's nothing i can do now but study, and continue to be in denial until the time comes for me to go back to singapore. yea, i miss him.. need a hug.. though i doubt he'll understand.. sigh.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007 @10:59 PM
mudane life
oops, sorry for the lack of updates.
but.. yea, its not hard keeping myself occupied i guess. so long as there's internet, time can always fly like no tomorrow...
lately i've been hooked on to facebook.. can somehow spend hours in it.. it just has many mini activities that can keep you occupied.. sigh.. then if i'm not on facebook, i'm probably on Ragnarok Online, hanging out in a private server - Ethreal Revenge. or maybe watching anime on crunchyroll.com. and usually you'll still be able to find me online when i'm.. 'pre-occupied'. But if i'm not online, and if i should be home, there's quite a high possibility (i'd say 65%?) that i'll be in auditionsea.
i've got 2 essays coming due next week. 1 for tourism and leisure behaviour (i think 75% done so i'm stressed, but its achieveable since itsdue next thursday) and there's another essay, this one longer, 2500 words and i haven't written a single word. mind you, it's due next tuesday! spent the day researching and researching for journal articles for it.. and each article range from 10 to 50+ pages!! can die reading... yeah, i'll make it to the papers with the first teenage girl who read to death.
so yea, gonna head to school to get at least one of my essay completed and get started on the human resource one. sounds like an achieveable goal? i hope so too. somehow whenever i try to gauge my productivity, results just ain't too good.
it doesn't help when it gets better when i plug out the modem wire to work at my desk, only to find that i need to go online again at 10pm (aussie time) to wait for alex, ONLY to find that he doesn't show. don't make me count the number of areoplanes he has already set. it's depressing.
oh wells, what to do.. have to pia.. trying to target at least a 6 for 3 of my modules, and 5 for the last one.. there's people who can score straight 7s.. (oh btw, 7 is high distinction, 6 is distinction, 5's a credit and 4 means pass. needless to say, 3 and below equals fail) so inhuman.. totally reminds me of steve.. if only.. sigh, i know my limits.. it might be self-fulfilling prophecy but its ok.. i'll still try my best, but i just don't want that to take over my life.
am i making sense? lol