hadn't slept the whole night my parents were gonna go to china, so i didn't have any problems waking up and preparing things for them. then, after they left, i didn't really feel much. probably just hoping that they'll enjoy their holiday and have a safe trip...
and i was off to meet jane for shopping! i've never bought so many tops for myself. or at least, spent so much on just tops alone. but it was really fun. =) and i do love my new tops!
well, after parting with jane i spent some time wandering around the streets of orchard alone. reminisces of the past haunted me.
my heart ached.
then, as i was leaving, i thought about dinner. if i should have it with someone or alone. i really wanted to stay out late that night and remembering what leigh suggested, i called delong.
until now, i still can't really comprehand what happened. maybe i still need time.
i just wanna zone out alone for now.
had a pretty short, but enjoyable chat with my sis on the car today. just realised that i'm actually having this feeling for the first time... yeah, feels really good to have a sibling to talk to.
and finally, after so soo long. i'm running my first bot. its somewhat fascinating, but tiring. i'm so glad a person like dalun exist. sometimes i really wonder... ok, i lost my train of thoughts. having a brain block.
time to snooze.
i'm preparing myself to accept a d for meit. i came out of the examination room feeling that i didn't do very well but it wasn't too bad. when i checked a few of the answers, my heart missed a heartbeat. its just going to be worse. i don't know how to tell my parents about it. i do pray the other subject grades are good enough to make it up and balance the overall somewhat. at least i should pass. erm, i think.
if it's not mr. ram, then i guess its really just me cos it's the exact same thing for marketing last semester. i'm just unable to adjust to his teaching style and fully understand what he's trying to teach. oh well, sip next sem. at least i'm sure i won't see him then. i don't understand how the other girls have secret crushes of him...
*shrugs*
anyway, somehow i haven't slept much, but i'm not exactly all that tired. and considering the fact that i didn't sleep at all yesterday, had a really good workout with leigh and sandra after my paper, and only caught an one hour's worth of catnap when i got home before being glued to the computer all day... i think i'm seriously damaging my eyes. hmm...
well, i did stop for a moment to make some red eggs of easter celebration in church. mom's been real nice. she actually stopped dad from nagging me to get off the com cos its getting late. i can really just sit here forever.
its contradictive how i love people, yet hate them so. i'd rather stay home then go out and mingle in the crowd. maybe cos i feel all the more lonely outside. being surrounded by people, and yet still have that sense of loneliness. it feels really sad. at least back in my own home, i'm spared of all these additional thoughts as i engross myself in a world of my own.
ahh, there's still tones of anime vcds i haven't watched, and there's yi ling and amanda to visit. it just dawned on me that i believe i love jewel more than paris (please note thate i'm referring to amanda and yi ling's dogs) i always felt confused about the breed of dog i'd like to keep when i grow up, cos i love all of them. from retrivers to collies to spaniels to terriers and shih tsu. and there's more, but these were my main favourites. looking at jewel, and remembering kimberly... i'm gonna get a shih tsu!! small, cute, quiet, adorable, loyal and a potential lapdog! i've always thought only cats would do that, and big dogs definately can't do that... so i want a small one =)
i wish i could convince my mom to buy one. no, actually, if only she would permit the house to have one, i wouldn't mind saving up to buy one.
*sigh*
maybe in future...
i need to be enlightened.
i somewhat finished my revision. i really can't say i remember much. i assure you, it's total information overload. i just can't wait to throw everything out of my head right after my paper, and be a couch potato.
my slacking life awaits!
not to mention the freedom of having the house all to myself when my parents go to china! hmm... i'm definately gonna lose weight.
okok, shouldn't be thinking of playing while paper is up in less than 3 hours. shouldn't be blogging! but arghz, i feel so plagued. why am i so wind up over a paper thats only 30% of my overall coursework?! compared to accounts which was 70%... okay, no wonder why i haven't been serious with revision for the past 3 days.
i told myself i wouldn't sleep tonight, but the temptation was so big. i think i really wouldn't have been able to stay up if i haven't had the company of nick (god bless you) and the chance encounter of the song from mel's blog. i jumped in my seat the moment the page was uploaded. literally!
i think its an old, kiddy but great song. lol.
always loved mel's taste in things.
linked her up and karene.
you and me by lifehouse rocks.
i'm suddenly in such a whimsical mood, i even changed the song in mine. hmm.. shall change it once i find a better one, after my paper.
the song playing in mel's blog:
That girl
by lindsay lohan
There was a girl I knew
Who always wanted to
Be the one to stand out from the crowd
Always believed that she
Was gonna live her dreams
That what went down was gonna come around
For all the doubters, non-believers
The cynical that once were dreamers
One of these days you'll open up your eyes
And you'll realize...
That girl was a one-time teenage drama queen
A hacked-up everyday wannabe
But she'll have changed her destiny
Now she's a somebody
That girl was a wild child, dream of where she'll find herself
'Cuz she believes in nothing else
And was a don't look back and you won't believe
That girl was me!
Armed with an attitude
That she knows how to use
She's gonna get there any way she can
Now she knows what she wants
No one's gonna stop her
Nothings ever gonna hold her back
For all the doubters, non-believers
The cynical that once were dreamers
One of these days you'll know that you were wrong
Who would know..?
That girl was a one-time teenage drama queen
A hacked-up everyday wannabe
But she'll have changed her destiny
Now she's a somebody
That girl was a wild child, dream of where she'll find herself
'Cuz she believes in nothing else
And was a don't look back and you won't believe
That girl was me!
Life is a work of art
You gotta paint it colorful
You can make it anything you want
Don't ever stick to any rules
You don't need a high IQ
To succeed in what you do
You just gotta have no doubt
Just believe in yourself
Doubters, non-believers
Once were her dreamers
One of these days you'll open up your eyes
And you'll realize...
That girl was a one-time teenage drama queen
A hacked-up everyday wannabe
But she'll have changed her destiny
Now she's a somebody
That girl was a wild child, dream of where she'll find herself
'Cuz she believes in nothing else
And was a don't look back and you won't believe
That girl was me!
That girl was a one-time teenage drama queen
A hacked-up everyday wannabe
But she'll have changed her destiny
Now she's a somebody
That girl was a wild child, dream of where she'll find herself
'Cuz she believes in nothing else
And was a don't look back and you won't believe
That girl was me!
my mom made me drink some really horrid tonic drink not too long ago. ekk.
last paper in 9 hours and i've still not finished my revision. only managed to finish half today... how am i gonna finish the other half in just 9 hours??
and whats worse, is that that "tonic" drink from my mom was suppose to make me feel more alert. (i told her i wouldn't be sleeping tonight, which was why she recommended it) and now, i'm feeling sleepy!!
i blame the drink!
cos it made my tummy so full... the kind of feeling you get when you're so full you just want to go take a nap? yea, thats how i'm feeling now. arghz!!
i'm in dreamland.
a fantasy world.
yea, i'm living in a world of my own now.
cos my head feels light.
and i'm not on alcohol or drugs.
i just had a banana.
i'm going gaga over meit. i'm still stuck at like page 5? lol. i don't know how in the world am i gonna do a paper about meetings, exhibitions, incentives and travel. i'm seriously wondering how i landed myself with event management in sentosa.
its like woa.
praise the lord.
i just hope i don't screw up. wouldn't it be nice if things would go on smoothly? man, i just don't dare to expect how bad things will get. it's just scary.
just listening to songs.
playing things over and over.
singing to my computer.
i feel mad.
maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true~
i'm currently going through like, page 2 of my compiled 33 paged notes? and when i say going through, i'm studying them, as well as adding in extra notes from my pile of additional notes. credits to sandra.
i feel simply clueless for the coming paper, and if i haven't had the additional notes from sandra, i'm really gonna crap with just the lecture notes from the online webbie, and pray hard my lecturer don't realise so. my head's throbbing alittle. but i'm pushing myself to go on.
maybe i'll reward myself with the haagen daz ice-cream tub in the freezer. i've been in front of the com compiling notes all day... resisting to bolt to the fridge... but it's my favourite flavour!
temptation temptation.
i was saving it till the exams are officially over. you know the destress and pig-out scenario? yeah... but i guess half a tub wouldn't hurt.
*grinz*
i think i seriously lack sleep.
and i have no idea how i'm gonna start studying meit... feel pretty much like a goner again. but thank god, i still got a couple of days till my paper. then... its total freedom!!
things i'm gonna do are already playing through my head... no wonder why i don't have the mood to study.
and i thought what i read in the forum that morning would have totally spoilt my day. i can't believe i even got bothered about it as i sat through my pom paper. can't say i did very well.. but at least i'm sure i won't fail that paper either.
*phew*
then it was hitting the gym with marc, leigh n sandra. had a really gd run... and i think i lost 1 kg...
other than being in denial, now i'm also dellusional. lol.
i'm glad i didn't go to sempang with them. needed the retail tharapy. though i'm buying what i intended to buy, it still feels gd somehow... self deceiving? hmm...
anyways, i met hester at hugs and kisses. and she told me she's coming to tp! lol, was so happy for her. and somehow, i was pretty hyped up. we chatted for about 45 minutes non-stop! it was really nice catching up with her. but i thought it was getting late and i really had to make a move. so we bid each other goodbye and you'd think my day was over.
but something amazing happened. while walking in from the main gate i saw this really really adorable pup. which actally didn't turn out to be a pup, cos it's really more than 3 years old ^^"
but to cut the long story short, my concern for it actually led to a new found friendship! well, to add amanda's younger brother makes 2! and jewel, 3!! after living in the area for so long... i finally found real neighbours for friends, as in, we're all from the same block!
not that ivan, yi ling and hester weren't my neighbours. they live close, but still its quite a few blocks away. ivan being the nearest since i don't have to pass through the gate.
i just never thought there were people close to my age in my block! ok, amanda is not exactly close to my age, but we clicked really well, and gosh, everything was just amazing. we chatted for hours! now i'm just looking forward to play with jewel, thinking of how i can pyscho my parents to get a pup, have cell group with them, and even get some art tips from amanda, and see how her work is like. i'm just so happy thinking about it! its just so cool...
yup, its a really good day. =)
its been so long, and i'm still hearing the chorus of this song playing in my head. its probably the first time i remembered a song from the gym.
Someday we'll know
by many moore
Ninety miles outside Chicargo
I can't stop driving I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Cuz true love is just once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Does anybody know the way to Atlantits?
What the wind says when she comes
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninty-seventh time, tonight
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know that I was the one for you
I want to take you to the end of the rainbow
Watch the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me, tonight?
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know that I was the one for you
i'm so pissed.
arghz. and over a stupid kid. and i mean STUPID. god how dumb can someone get?
or am i that bad at explaining in words? i know i can explain better if i could talk about this issue but now it's just too late. put that boy in front of me and i'll probably scream at him. mind you, i'm not a person who screams or hardly gets angry at anyone. maybe other than my parents.
oh wait. HE's 20 yrs old.
dumbass. 20 and still so stupid. i pity him.
and it only goes to show one thing. even the real kids who play ro have better manners. no doubt i would still feel that the people in wow were generally the friendliest bunch of online people i've ever met. i'll probably never touch the game again, not anytime soon i know. or at least, not until i get my own credit card.
arghz. no wonder i like older guys. much older. any less and i'd kill myself to see such stupidity. not that i want to stereotype again, but there are hardly any guys who do mature young.
moron.
spent time playing alittle, napping alittle and listening to the radio till my battery went flat.
still huanted by memories and thoughts i forgot, maybe it sounds ironical... but i just want to let everything slip by. i won't go after things, won't ask further questions. maybe its in my personality. some questions i have that i got no answers to, i don't really want to know them anymore... because, it just doesn't matter. the feelings were true, and lasted the way it did because of the way i let it do. i will always be here. ready to lend a listening ear.
because i don't have the courage to ask for help...
from you.
i really do thank the people around me who have supported me in one way or another. its true that sometimes, just the presence of a friend is enough. i suddenly have a fantasy of a relationship with a guy who can really understand me. remember the cliche scenario of 2 friends sitting by the swing? no words need to be said... and one can just walk away, feeling like you've had the best conversation for the whole day.
actually, i doubt such a relationship exist. as naive as i may be, i know there are some things that will not happen. fairytales alike. know why they stop at happily ever after the moment the prince marries the princess? because life after that was so bad and painful, they just didn't want the poor kids to know. life after marriage is not a fairytale. it's reality. its drama.
i've given up the idea of marriage. maybe i'll be with someone, maybe i won't. maybe we'll last, maybe we won't. but marriage? lol.. that guy must be really tough to want to marry me. because looking at myself, i think i'm capable unintentional mental torture. doesn't matter who initiates the lashing, i know how insecure i can always get. and i know how i'll always be keeping everything inside, letting it snowball... and then saying something i never intended, causing myself more pain. they say you should never say the word breakup in a relationship. i fully understand why now. but before, i said it just to find reassurance. hoping for some encouragement, that i worry too much. that i think too much. that he knows i know i didn't mean what i said.
but it didn't quite go through the way i thought it would in my head.
yeah, life is full of surprises.
there's another song playing in my head now... i love the chorus... the tune is just amazingly alluring. anyone who reads this and can download music, please send to me~ i'll be eternally grateful.
Ghost of you and me
by bbmak
What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I cant let go
When will this night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
accounts is over!!!!!!!!
thank God. thank God!!
amen.
oh my goodness you don't know how much relief overwhelmed me the moment 2 hours was up. and the happiest thing is that i know i won't fail!
*breathes*
i guess i'm one really last minute girl. other than catching a short 2 and a half hour nap, i really studied throughout the night. the things in my books made more sense than it ever did for the past 4 months. and i had questions of course, all which i left till i got to school to ask mel, 25 minutes before our paper began. then again, because i didn't have enough time to full understand one particular question, i did one question wrongly.
thats 15 marks out of 100? i pray for mercy marks... and full marks for the rest. i want an A. strange how to say yesterday i felt i was going to fail (i mean it!) and now i want an A for an overall grade? highly impossible, but i guess its worth dreaming... doesn't kill right?
okay, i need sleep before i go through the whole process again for pom.
i felt it again.
that heart wrenching feeling that you know you just got so much to say, but you just don't know where to start. that you want to just pour everything out but there's a blockage up in your head. the exasperation that you want to scream out but you can't. like i know so much, and i just knew what i wanted to say. but in a split second, all my thoughts were lost, and i'm back at square one. the same place where we left off. the questions you left me hanged right there in my face. and i got no answers...
i can't kiss and make up.
i don't have the ability to do so. is it a personal thing? that it only happens between us? i'm asking questions into thin air. i wish i could hear his voice. the way he always said things so matter-of-factly. the way how logical everything always sounded. for once i met someone who could convince me about everything so logically and reasonably till i have nothing to say, and i was in awe. for once, i wasn't the one doing the explaining. for once i wasn't cheated and played a fool...
i can't long for something that's not there. for someone that doesn't want to be there. somehow i felt like i did talk to him though.
i'm just glad i'm not crying now.
but i'm still delusional. still can't believe how everything just flipped upside down in one night. was everything you said a lie from the beginning? i never thought commitment was such a thin thread that could be so easily broken...
nomatter whether it is a fact that we're just 2 individuals, too into ourselves. or just plain self-centered, both too stubborn to budge. as much as i'm willing to comprimise, it's just one sided. i can't comprehend... and still don't understand how things ended up the way it did.
puzzled.. but since i'm not crying, i guess i'm still feeling somewhat okay.
will have to force myself to digest whatever i can till my paper at 9.30am.
wish me luck.
i'm going to fail my accounts.
i just know it.
can't study at all.
at least the tv is doing a good job distracting half of my mind.
had a nightmare today. woke up at i think 5 in the morning in cold sweat. it had something to do with chris, accounts, ro and... arghz. i forgot.
feels troubling. and i still miss him. and i'm somewhat angry at myself and at him. though somehow... i can't really point a finger to what it is? gosh... i wonder how delong and i lasted so long. suddenly feel amazed that delong could put up with me. then again, maybe if chris were in singapore, maybe he could too? lol.. perhaps its some kind of virgo trait.
conclusion? never date virgos again. its uncanny when i think of the similarities, of how delong wanted a english name called chris, and the short name for christopher is chris... and both of them are kinda related to accounts. 0.o
*shivers*
i've had it with accountants. ok, i shouldn't stereotype.
sigh.. i think i'm going to do something i will regret soon. i need a slap in the face. doesn't matter who deal the slap, i just need one from someone. was somehow glad to hear ben scream in shock when i asked his advice on a divorce. felt so much concern. its nice.
i once thought i'd make a good housewife. now? i'm not sure. but i believe i'm still, and will always be, a horrid girlfriend. i can already envision myself staying alone. i don't have to mind how i look, worry about my bad habits, or his bad habits, comprimise for things or bother about tidyness. hmm.. sounds like a guy.
my parents had always wished i was a guy anyway. and they don't want me to get married. so i guess i'm making them happy. =)
then again, maybe i wouldn't mind co-habitation. living with someone but not planning to get married to that person. then maybe have many experience of pre-marital sex. or bring guys home for one night stands. gosh, i think this sounds really havoc. nah, i'm not gonna ruin my life that way.
but i'll still keep to the small cosy apartment for me, myself and i. singlehood ain't all that bad.
ok, i better get back to studying. i've got less than 19 hours to go. sounds like a lot, but when you read the 1st line in your text book, and 1 hour later, you're still reading the same line at the same page... you know my problem.
feel like eating the banana crepe from marche. or a tint of haagen daz macadamia brittle ice-cream. or hot chocolate fondue with just bananas and marshmallows.
mmm....
well i believe they're my most constructive cravings all week. so glad they reopened the haagen daz outlet at century square. but i vaguely remember the price of the items to have ballooned. shall try my luck at getting a cheaper tint at shop & save. if i'm lucky, maybe i can get 2!! oooh, can't wait till i get the chance to sneak out. the rest, though sounds just as tempting.. there's some memories that i've blocked with it. maybe i'll go for them sometime later.
did more studying today.. well, just one chapter more than yesterday. but its still an improvement. shall return back to my room for more. i just dread the excercises. though its true that practice makes perfect, i'm too reliant on model answers that i can just study. if i don't have them, i'll get so worried about my own answers, i just stay stuck on that question forever.
sigh, i really need some sugar before depression hits me again.
recently, somehow some songs just pop into my head...
i never knew there were so many heartbroken songs. maybe i can post one everyday. or at least, the one closest to my mood at the moment.
Never had a dream come true
by S club 7
Everybody's got somethin'
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time
There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways
To let you go
Chorus:
I never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter
Where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
'Cuz yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'
How it should be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways
to let you go
Repeat Chorus
You'll always be the dream
That fills my head, Yes you will, say you will, you know you will oh baby
You'll always be the one I know
I'll never forget
There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'
B'cuz love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye
No no no no
Repeat Chorus
what can't break you, makes you a stronger person.
-wei en
though she isn't the one who literally invented that quote, she really pulled me back on track. well it wasn't just that quote that pulled me back... i felt god consoling me through her too. feeling slightly better.. as i let her optimism sink into me.
really thank god i'm not as suicidal as i used to be. though the thoughts still haunt me, i won't commit suicide. so boa, i'm sorry, u can't die with me =p well, i won't let u either =)
i just need a good hug now.
i know that nomatter how many times i tell myself that i'm fine and okay.
i'm not.
guess when you can't change things, you just got to learn to live with them.
i only wish my life will have a happy ending.
i pray that christopher's coping.
that delong's happy.
that boa finds his true love.
that samuel finds his perfect love.
that ivan's with his beloved.
that leigh is happy.
that jason is loving.
that shaun is strong.
that wei en finds the one god appointed for her.
that my mom be more understanding
that my dad stop thinking about stiking toto.
that david finds his true friends.
that chieh ling remain cheerful.
that amos be able to convince his dad to let him take music.
that amelia's life in taiwan is fun.
that benjamin's doing well in the army.
that my sis is healthy.
that verna is well.
that kavi grows to be as stable and calm as he always had been.
that jolyn is closer to god.
that angelina is blessed.
that stacia learn to understand.
that jayna be cured.
that jerry learn to be nice.
that michelle learns to let go.
that andy matures as a leader.
that revo finds his happiness.
that deus finds his passion.
that bernard is as sweet as he had always been.
that marilyn excels in the things she do.
that eng koon finds his dear girl.
that edmund is doing well.
and the list can just go on... but not to forget, that i finish my revision and do well for my exams... don't wanna dissapoint my parents...
accounts is really not a bad subject... but when i've missed a couple of tutorials and paid near zero attention in lecture, the fustration of not understanding my notes is nerve wrecking. coupled with the fact that i'm not in the best of moods to study...
i really need to start praying.
i know i shouldn't... i know its pointless... but somehow there was comfort as i cry myself to sleep in the nights. hugging the small purple bear ever so tightly... praying that one day it'll all be back to what it used to be.
and for a moment, as a small message woke me up, i froze. reading the message over and over again... i replied.
there was no goodbyes. no comfort. no more to be said.
i could do nothing... as the pain seared more deeply... but cry again.
Have you ever
by S club 7
Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I've finally realize it was forever that I've found
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go
i wish i could stop having the thought that its better this way
is it?
so many thoughts crossing my mind. i can't decide which to pend it down. lest it scares people.
haha, it always does... no wonder i'm so withdrawn to myself. i guess i'll stay single forever.
i wanna embrace lain.
and i thought i was complicated.
maybe 2 complex people shouldn't be together. one thinks in one way, while the other thinks in another. already there's an invisible wall.
i always thought, things were going on fine. things seem ok. not knowing that you felt you were doing everything. didn't know or comprehend how heavy the burden u carried. until its too late.
guess we're just really different. from different worlds, from different relms. you came into mine and took my heart away, made me think that you were the one... but i guess you couldn't stay and i don't know the way to go into your world... guess that means i'm not the one for you.
i cringe at the memories... and can't help reliving in it. i can still remember how it feels to be in your arms. then i burst out in sobs, wishing it's all just a bad dream... even though i know it isn't.
my stand remains true, that the simplest things are the hardest to achieve.
there's only so much i can do... so much i know i can offer... but it's not enough. now, i just don't want to be another burden. i'd rather pick up pieces of my broken heart.
and if i had a cancerous tumour, i would let it grow.
because i'm too afraid to take it away...
and because i do want to die.
but the sad thing is, i don't have a cancerous tumour.
or maybe it is. i don't know. its just a tumour. too afraid to see a doctor. too afraid to hear what he have to say. don't even want to think of the possibility of operation. if i have to turn blind, so be it.
if it takes a bad turn and i die, so be it.
maybe we'll both die of tumours. you'll have brain tumour, and i'll die wondering what mine was. haha.. bad jokes are a sign that i'm going crazy again. i resign myself to fate.
at least now, i won't have to worry about making someone sad. breakups are always an easier alternative, when both parties are tired. tired of explaining, tired of understanding. we can still be friends... if you consider me as one. or if u ever thought of me as one.
Thats what friends are for
by dionne warwick
And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today and then if you can remember
Keep smilin' keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Well you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
And then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember
Keep smilin' keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
am i really getting to overemotional..? but how can i not be worried... at the reassurance i don't get?
feeling hurt.
there's overwhelming sadness. i've never had this much trouble trying to talk. never felt so much pain inside, knowing how helpless i am outside. understanding that love was best left alone.
i cried, as i left uncomforted. nothing can be done. i have myself to blame for my heart is weak. my courage, small. and my will? gone.
i made a prayer i knew i made before.
i'll never be like this again.
i feel horrid.
blame it on myself. i think too much. but i can't help it either.
i hate it when i feel this way. next thing i know, there's things i want to do. then in just a split second, i don't feel like doing them.
i think i'm going mad.
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never-ending
Wouldn't it be nice
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy
Wouldn't it be nice
You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice
Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby
feeling abit dazed now. maybe it's because of the dinner i had just a few minutes ago. its strange how suddenly i'm out of all the hectic schedules, and could actually spare time to sit down at design canteen to eat by myself. no special feelings, lots of wandering thoughts as i had my dinner. and i was vaguely listening to the conversation going on at the next table. something about design project and the architechture of paragon.
anyway, lost in my own thoughts, i suddenly remembered what chris said... about feeling alone.
loneliness overwhems me everytime. was i feeling alone then?
yea..
i'd think he's be feeling so too. somehow there's also a slight difference between feeling lonely when you're in a relationship, and feeling lonely when you're not. do i sound like i make sense to anyone?
probably not. would love to elaborate more but i decided to spare my brain cells. the feeling is there, the book of enlightenment is found at the back of my mind. but opening it and decyphering it into words to type here requires some work. and now, the last thing i wanna do, is think.
maybe that's why i'm getting stupid. i always knew i was dumb, but just wishing i wasn't somehow isn't enough anymore. but haven't they all said ignorance is bliss? or am i referring myself as 2 different things again?
argh. can't think straight. just hate myself for forgetting my keys. i'm reduced to waiting in the com lab in school. but somehow i don't really mind either. at least i have a com with internet access. hmm.. darn i should have went to town with leigh and the guys.
oh well.. maybe i could just surf around and try to finish my report later.
Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.
Some Things
That Represent You:
Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile
Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:
Brown
Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla
you know you're fat when
1. you feel fat
2. you say "i'm fat" and no one responds with "no you're not"
3. you fit into the jeans you had two years ago, bought during the days when u were fatter
the conclusion is obvious.
*sigh*
but even the guilt of being fat can't be compared to the heartache i'm experiencing now. distance can be such a terrible thing...
listening to collin raye's love me makes me all the more dreamy, somehow. my head's just foggy. i pray i'd be able to finish my learning portfolio by 3pm tomorrow.
i keep slipping into a daze, finding it harder and harder to snap back to reality. keep wondering about the things i heard, keep pondering about what i'm supposed to do.
i just hate it when i feel so lost and no one is here to give me directions. and the problem with life, is that you're always put in such a situation. god gives you a couple of choices, u make the right one, good for you. if you didn't? then may god bless you.
you never know when it's the wrong decision until it's too late. you never know what you did wrong until someone snaps back at you and the next thing you know, u feel the hurt of a wound uncalled for.
things are getting so confusing for me. when i don't know whats right or wrong, when i don't know who to believe in. the answer can be so obvious, but i just dare not face it. what's there to lose? my life?
it's not worth much anyway.
i still remember how my mom stressed what men are after. her understanding of it, the so-called "reality" of it. if that is true, then wouldn't the world be in major chaos already? i can't believe how much of it i've taken in. but i fear in the back of my mind... what if it's true?
then christopher comes and tells me of somthing i already knew. something i know i should have done but didn't do. the subconcious voice i heard but refused to acknowledge.
and i remember what tom said to me at yiling's house on christmas. it all fits into place. it's all so true. i really have to give him credit for his palm reading skills.
and yet, knowing all these... one should think the answer is obvious and i should know what to do.
but i don't.
realisation just dawned on me
i haven't really loved.
maybe alittle, but not entirely.
and christopher was right about my back door. i had listened to my mom so i wouldn't get too hurt. she had protected me and i had long resigned to let her do so. i always listened, always obliged, always tried to understand the way she saw things.
though many times i used to grumble that i hate her, rebel, lie, and make her cry... she still means so much to me. which is why i let her take such a strong hold on me. why i still cringe with tears when i see her cry. why i try to please her time and time again. how much of my life is really mine now? i have no idea...
could someone tell me what should i do?
my heart feels lost.
freezing in the computer labs in school. but i can't bear to leave lest i show people my rather... "unique" outfit.
imagine this. polo tee, mini skirt.... and leather shoes.
well, not the kind guys wear, but the kind you see people wearing when they work in the kitchen. it's black, thick and heavy, so pots & pans, knives and choppers that fall or slip won't chop off your leg. its that durable. real "power" shoes! lol.
anyway, its a real wierd combination. i have only myself to blame for being lazy to bring out my slippers. shall try to buy a pair of havannas' or the black one i eyed before at the heeren this friday.
*sigh*
so glad christopher is coming down this friday. yet... so sad that once friday comes, the weekend will fly by, and it'll be probably another 2 to 3 weeks before i see him again. i don't know whether to wish the day to come sooner, or dread the after effects i'd feel when he goes.
better study.
love my blog... love the music.
been so long since i came back and released myself. somehow i know i'm a bad writer. bad at expressing myself. but hey, i'm trying. i'm not writing for anyone to see, just purely to unload and reorganize myself. gosh i miss blogging.
but its not like i've had the time to do so. or maybe its because i haven't been as faithful here, which explains all my gabra and mishaps. ahh.. this reflection is good.
i think i sound mad.
oh wells, anyway. bonkers is finally finally over!! man i still can't get over it. still can't believe its really over. like, goodness, its finished!! lol.. its not like i'm proud of the event or whatever.. just really relieved i guess. been so stressed to the brim by it. been neglecting so much of my studies and assignments because of it. been spending all my time in meetings, organising and planning because of it. not thats it's finally over, the sudden amount of free time feels great. like i've so clearly forgotten how free i used to be. how much sleep i used to be able to get. now i'm really making up for it, sleeping at least 8 hours a day.
but back to reality, it's time i pick up and catch up with the rest of the world. can't believe i've got so much to catch up. its quite a pile. i even faced the possible debarrment from my accounts paper cos i skipped 3 lessons unknowningly. i hope the leave of absence i got uncle sam to sign for me worked. it better! or i'll get hell from my parents one they hear about it.
thinking back... i guess i really learnt alot from the project. frankly speaking i never thought i could carry those things out. and so much by myself. uncle sam said i was a capable worker... very determined in the things i do. and my working style? i tend to do everything by myself cos i believe i can do better, or i'm too afraid to let go. oh, and i do things with a personal touch!
lol, felt rather flattered. since i never thought of myself that way. must treat him to rojak one day. now i just hope my internship at sentosa will be a smooth one. i'm just really glad the project indirectly helped my nailed my internship. i hope i didn't give the impression of an over enthusiastic intern. but i can't stop the plackback of how i kept bumping into lay ling, the meeting with her, the group interview, and scene at the restroom. i felt so nervous i thought my heart would jump out. i even said the wrong words! i just pray that her memory is horrid.
but all in all, it's a real interesting post, under event sales. something i'm familiar with yet not really a professional. so i could really learn something that i could apply in my life! guess thats probably why i'm so looking forward to my internship now. all my life i've been studying about so many unrelated stuff, and now for once, i'm finally doing something meaningful. something i actually had a little experience about and the opportunity to make it my career.
though i know i mentioned before... i hate event management. but guess its the only thing i'm probably good at doing now. not that i'm good at doing that now, but compared to everything else... i guess its the best i have to offer. i'm seriously what people may call a jack of all trades but a master of none. here's my chance to be a master! oh the excitement. the next blessing that comes with it is the fact that leigh is also going to do her intern at sentosa~ though its a different department, we'll stil be able to enjoy each other's company during lunch, and that's more than i can ever ask for.
ahh.. i feel so much better now.