Wednesday, September 29, 2004 @1:59 AM
life
sometimes when i feel troubled i'd often wonder until i forget what i was thinking of. don't ask me how i do it though, i guess it's something that happens so often its like a habit. though good or bad i have no idea either. feeling kinda stupid now.. like i wasn't who i used to be 5 years ago. like they say.. you gain something, you lose something..
feeling some sort of a heartache. having a throbbing headache. and i'm not trying to rhyme.. i wish i had more time like this to study and play. it feels so miraculous that my parents are allowing me to play on the com. though they still remind me to know my limits, i'm still playing late. =p
it's the faint sense of urgency that if i don't treasure what i have now i'll lose them forever.. good friends don't come by easily, and i don't want to lose people that i care about. but then again its just so hard to maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship.. here it goes again.. the surge of emotions thats welling up in me.. is something i cannot put words to. something i cannot explain.. and maybe some part of my heart tells me not to. i'm running away from something. i always run away.. cos i hate facing things.
somebody please grant me my wish of a holiday. i realise to my horror that my coming holidays may not be a holiday since i have to oversee more sports club events coming next semester. arghx. this can't be happening!!! yeah.. how i wish this was all a dream.. but when i think of returning back to school.. starting work to raise money.. preparing for school.. spending christmas in school.. i feel dread creeping up my sides.
the thought that jeremy's coming back from taiwan in two days doesn't even seem to confort me.. not with my exams drawing near, not with all the revision i have yet to do. and marriage in ro.. i'm feeling alittle lost. my heart's telling me something, i can't seem to hear. there's always after my exams to think of all these.. till then.. well, i hope delong's making better progress than i.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004 @1:16 AM
temptations
yea, it's all around the house.. must really practise self discipline. at least, till the exams are over.
gosh this is hard..
Monday, September 27, 2004 @3:57 AM
exams..
getting the stress all building up in my head now. sigh.. i feel i have the ability to stress myself so much, i'm pretty much physically and mentally tired enough to not do anything else. not to mention going through the long process of doing every accounting equation. i feel pretty screwed.
that aside, the blue concert wasn't so bad.. i really enjoyed their singing. they really had voices you don't see on the streets and the quality of it was way better than the cd. well, minus the screaming and yells of the crowds of course. met some rich little girls that look obviously spoilt too.. i was unlucky enough to have them sit beside me for a moment and i felt so old and fat. thankfully they left to stand and screem further at the front of the stage and there was much peace at the back. and i realise that i'm quite a spoilsport. even if blue was my idol, i doubt i'll scream and yell like those girls do. hmm.. maybe if it was tsyoshi i'd walk to the near front of the stage.. but i still won't scream. depending on my mood, maybe i might try to yell. maybe.
sigh, having mood swings that are swinging like steel balls. in other words, my mood swings seem to be quite fatal to anyone that come close. fortunately, most people are staying clear of me.. i guess.
ob: i have a small open self, large hidden self, unknown blind self and i forgot what's the last one. hah!
i think i need sleep.
Friday, September 24, 2004 @1:23 PM
i am who people think i am..
how time flies indeed... projects.. delong's birthday.. our anniversary.. all passed.. and now i'm just wishing that the holidays will come by sooner.
funny how much this semester has done to my life. so many emotions and scars renewed, so much pain relived. there's laughter and smiles, yet i always let the sorrows overwhelm me.. i finally know how fragile my heart is.. how much i am unwilling to risk and the fear i have with the loss of things. the people i know, the ones that surround me.. i know, they will not stay. if this is reality then i'm feeling the harsh side of it. but i do remember christopher telling me..
"life is as hard as we see it"
maybe it's not the exact words, but yea, its just somewhere along the lines.. he's been so encouraging, but so far away.yet i still try to take comfort.. and still find little to shelter myself.
when i read the book "blankets" by an author i couln't remember by name, i felt the similarity i had with the main character of the story. the fear and the pain. the feeling of love and loneliness. it's all so lightly expressed in pictures and words, but the familiarity of it all just ached into me.
and the possibility of sharing the same ending with the book daunts me. it's just a book.. but, i know it's something that may happen to me. i have no goals in life. no motives. i just want a place to sleep in. somethings to fill my tummy, and a warm comfort beside me. but things can never go your way, i am never what i want to be.. more rather, i'm what people want me to be.
the ache is coming back..
somehow, the excitement to going for my 1st concert is gone.
Thursday, September 16, 2004 @1:58 PM
stoning
now just sitting in my clubroom, freezing to death even though i've wearing a thick wooly jacket. can't seem to focus on working on my portfolio that is due tomorrow. ah.. quite typical. broke too, so i'll have to resist the urge to go to the bookshop downstairs and buy some sweets. i have a hunch i'll still go down anyway. heez..
tired.. and i wonder if i'll be able to finish all my revision by the time exams start. arghz.. back to work. i pray i'll finish by today.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004 @1:16 PM
to cut or not to cut
hmm, i guess i'm not exactly good with decision-making when it comes to myself. i want a haircut, yet don't want one. arghz the agony! but in the end i'm still gonna go for one cos it's not everyday you get a friend to go cut hair with you rite? (^-^)V
yesterday i think i made quite a drama scene.. well, maybe not drama in front of people, but just within me and delong. really sorry, guess i was too sensitive. i'm beginning to lose confidence in the way i read people's body language. maybe i really imagine things too much. but i guess we sorta made up.. and i concluded that its very hard being my boyfriend. i wonder how did we manage to stick by each other for 11months and 24 days? time sure flew..
then he bought ice-cream, a sweet and some fire crackers (the stick kind) and we played 2 packs under the void deck. the indian lady at the mama shop seemed so cheerful before and after we bought and played with the fire crackers. though wait till she sees the mess ^^" i felt cheered up somewhat.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 @1:56 AM
unexpected
never knew something like this would happen. never thought anyone would initiate to talk to me in that manner. so i believe it's the first. though the outcome wasn't what i'd thought it would be, i don't really know what else to expect either. shan't dwell on it. but just... appriciate the thought.
and i just found my conviction that i'm not good with words. whatever vocab i thought i knew or had learnt in the past has been cleanly swiped off my head. not a good thing, maybe i'll work on it when the holidays come. it'll be a time for reading all those books i have and had bought 2nd hand and have yet to read it. oh, though 1st i'd have to place a visit to ivan's place. been neglecting that place for too too long. there's like over 20 series of naruto i have yet to catch. feel so... not up to date.
missing my friends now.. some of the old and new.. and feeling somewhat alittle lonely.
i'll be needing some sleep.
Monday, September 13, 2004 @1:15 AM
drifting in and out
today feels quite wierd i guess. with all the agm, poly forum kickstart seminar and sub com camp going on, i felt pretty much mentally and physically drained and i kept falling into laps of sleep. i kept drifting into naps without control and before i knew it, it's already past midnight.
i can't believe just a couple of days have passed. somehow it really did seem forever, and i almost thought it'd never end..
growing old, feeling fatigue and understanding things aren't easy. i wish i weren't here the way i am the things that are happening or comprehand whats going to happen. is anyone actually considerate and thinking how i'd feel? could you put yourself in my shoes and imagine what i've been going through? its always the feeling that if you're not here means you didn't contribute and you never wanted to in the beginning. so i guess its my fault for asking around and be rejected. i asked again and again. but no one let me in. no one wants to tell me. and it's my fault.
i squeezed time to meet. but what was everyone doing? walking around. talking n chatting to others. going out. a stayed for well over an hour and basically nothing was being done. only by the time i was about to leave did eveyone finally felt settled down, got all questions answered, conclude that i'm useless and that things needed to be done. i was being pushed around cos no one wanted me. i could even feel how reluctant everyone was to be paired with me. don't say i never tried. don't ever say i didn't prioritise, because this is not the only thing important to me. i guess maybe only a member of my family to be dead would be a reason valid enough, important enough for you?
yea. i don't understand what people see in you anymore.
i'm so not liking the things i feel, the things i say or the people i have to be with, but frankly, you started it. i'll probably be outcasted. but then again i never was accepted anyway. hospitality? yeah i have a passion. i like seeing people smile. i like helping people even though i know i won't get anything back. but i guess i'll never fit in with the people. i hate politics.
maybe another day..
i pray..
that tomorrow would be better.
Friday, September 10, 2004 @1:37 AM
sports club annual general meeting
oo the day is finally here!!!!! darn i feel so excited.. so nervous.. so.. hyped and worried all at the same time! i think i'll fall sick after all this is over. coz after the agm i've got sub com camp. and the following morning i have to go to sp for a polyforum kickstart seminar. be back by late afternoon and continue on with the program pei rong have planned.. and the camp goes on till sunday. i think i can already imagine how tired i'd be..
i just pray that things go smoothly and it had better not rain!! o please please..
Thursday, September 09, 2004 @1:11 AM
fading
feel as if i'm drifting between worlds or reality and dreams.
having the urge to go gyming with leigh now.. argh, i miss her.
feel like laying in bed all day too..
then there's all the project deadlines. meetings. and work.
many things.. i can't seem to remember.
somehow i just don't seem to be able to blog as i had before. don't seem to have the time to reflect n recall anything. feeling rather blank lately, other than the occasional worry of not being ablt to catch up.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004 @9:09 PM
a star in the clouds
been another tiring day with me sleeping so "early".. i don't have enough energy to keep me awake throughout my tutorials. Just hoping and praying that this period of mental struggle wil soon pass.
sleep sleep sleep.. zzZZ