Monday, February 08, 2010 @9:39 PM
realization
i feel like everyone is moving... except me.
perhaps its just my own self-centeredness talking out loud but it feels rather strange as i confront this awkard feeling of detachment. perhaps its because i haven't been blogging regularly and doing as much self reflection as i used to. perhaps its just because i've spent most of my time focusing on other things and didn't realize how much i've missed some people... and it seems like its too late. perhaps its all just because i haven't been to church for awhile.
and perhaps u don't know what i'm blabbing about.
but i just wanted to confess...
that i miss my friends from primary and secondary school... i wish i could still be a part of verna's life, share jokes and stories with her, see her draw those cartoon strips and hang out with her. or write to wei yan about nonsensical things... so many people i've lost contact with... somehow they all seem so far away now.
i miss amos, steve & amelia... i haven't heard from them and i no longer know whats up in their life anymore... and i'm guilty of not putting in much effort to keep in touch.. meeting yiling & hester also seems like a yearly affair too. and i just missed one of the opportunities to meet her in the recent cosplay...
i miss the times in aus with ash too. the cooking and grocery shopping, the times with tou, kel, qw, ocf, and brisbane city church. the drinking and day-dreaming. hanging out and going where-ever, when-ever. the wonderful weather and peace. so weird to suddenly see all of the ocf peeps at louis & mei's wedding.. where they're all so close beside me, but yet feel so far away.. is it just me?
i couldn't bear to stay longer at the wedding because i didn't felt like i belong... the church reminded me of how long i've not stepped in one and i wonder if i will ever return again. i'm not exactly holy or church crazy but i had always thought my dream wedding would be one in church. now i'm not so sure. its almost as if, i'm not fit to hold it in church.
i'm not even really close to the people in my church. probably the only few people who i really care for is just aunty jane and jeremy... cos they're the only ones who noticed me? on this note i hope jeremy's operation went well...
sigh, i guess i'm just jealous. jealous of the bonds that people have, while i form this image of me, lonely and looking from the shadows. i have to keep reminding myself that i'm not really alone. thankfully, there's jason to keep me from slipping into the abyss. its like my life revolves around him, and i guess he, mine. i strangely hope for some kind of change, yet strangely don't know what is it i want to change. yet somehow hope things won't change... but have this feeling that things are slowly changing?
maybe i just miss the days where i didn't have to work.