feeling cranky. though not the happy kind, but more of the irritable kind. i thought i had enough sleep? hmm..

triggered by events, the sudden easily irritatableness is so bad on the image, cos i seem so anti-social. my mind is weak. (lol. having sudden flashes of jamie calling sharu "weak! weak!")

sigh, the day's events should just be left out. hoped hester had a happy birthday despite what happened.. and at least i got myself a spegetti top, a comic book, and a decent haircut. i choose to ignore taka n revo's comments that it looks the same. they just don't pay any attention to a girl's hair. like the last time jess got her haircut. the difference was so obvious. guys r insensitive. *grumbles*

anyway, miff said it was better than the last. as usual, i couldn't remember the last time i cut my hair, so i couldn't grumble about the previous hairdresser i had. had dinner with the guys before i headed home.. and that was pretty much the end of my day.

can't go out anymore. i'm utterly broke. sigh, the price of retail therapy.

like i could finally put something heavy that i've carried for so long, down. i thank god i didn't lose another friend.

it really struck a coord inside me, to realise how close i was to being driven to tears while reliving a memory, while figuring out my own thoughts, and understanding how much this friendship meant to me. to see the replies brought some confusion and fustration.. but with it also came comfort. that for once, someone actually listened and managed to understand. not tell me how much worse their experience was, or sweep the subject off with a hand, or give me a lousy solution, or tell me that what doesn't kills me makes me stronger. i never thought i'd appreciate empathy till today.

"i can't reach your hand, if you don't let me hold it" was all i needed to hear. sounds cliche and i felt like the female lead of some drama serial. lol. but it took my breath away.

now that i'm feeling better, i can finally move on to the small little nagging thought at the back of my head.

ashton kutcher
thats the name of the poor white guy who was due to marry a family of blacks for in-laws in the movie guess who. i won't swoon, but i must admit he left a really big impression on me. well, besides the cute looks, deep eyes, good complextion and clean shaven face, the most amazing thing, was when i went on a search with his name just moments ago. i discovered his fan site, and i realised he was also the main actor for the movie, the butterfly effect! was also smitten by the lead then, which was him, but i didn't get his name and he was slowly forgotten.. until now!

haha, thanks to steve i'm making an extra effort to find the song titles or names of the singers of the songs i know; hear before; love; and appreciate but could never find, forgot, or didn't manage to catch.

anywayz, i loved both movies. i finally found an american idol who's cute, young and not taken! (sad examples of married ones include brad pitt, *so handsome* and richard gere *warm & charismatic*) haha, i'm getting crappy again. =)

the aching remains and doesn't seem to want to go away. what i know would come came. and life will just move on. time will do what it always does. to heal n make people forget.

i feel out of sorts.

i'm just not a person of courage. maybe looking strong on the outside, but so many things inside are already broken. by family, by friends, by people...

i guess i'm destined for solitude.

maybe it's unfair.. maybe i'm wrong... but its a risk i know i cannot afford to take.

i will hold on true, that its for the better...

..........

Don't let me get me
by Pink
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

La told me, you'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are.
Tired of being compared to damn britney spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

my parents are at it again. the lawyer and stuff. i feel so edgy. wish i could crack my dad's head to spare my own. he's always saving his money to spend on things that are a total waste of time. making my mom cry. my whole body feels tensed not from the excerise i had earlier, but just from the few lines my mom is mumbling now.

the enjoyment of watching the movie guees who with steve has slipped away. i wish i could just walk out of the house. or just shut myself out in my room and be away from this crap.

gosh, if i don't turn deaf from my dad's blasting tv of the news, i'd turn deaf from my own blasting music on my earphones in my effort to drown his news.

the outdoor 2005 wedding show is finally over. my feet aches from old and new blisters. heels r such a killer. though i wouldn't call myself tall, but at my height, somehow even the small elevation hurts my sole. i've got to hunt for more comfortable shoes.

seeing so many couples does affect me. kinda wish i wasn't single. have the urge to just get married then. lol, then here's what boon kiat said, "so if u're at a cemetry you'll want to go and die ah?" lol. very true indeed.

can't go further. music stops my mind from working. good therapy in a way. maybe blog more another day. don't want to bother remembering too much anyway.

wish i could stay home all day. but i'll try on leigh's advice.

can't stop blasting the same songs over and over. it's almost like some kind of trance its driving me in.

Nothing in between
by Meredith Brooks
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand now you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a littlle bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think you've got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

.....

Naughty girl
by Holly Valance
It's after 12
Can't face the day
Remind me how hard it can be
To forget
I said things I didn't mean
You saw things you shouldn't have seen

Been a naughty girl
Real bad so and so
Done too many things a girl shouldn't know
I swear I never knew
I could hurt you so
One too many things a girl shouldn't know

Can't take the sadness
From your eyes
Can't put the truth back in my lies
Oh whoa
Don't make me try and explain
Let's just start over again

Been a naughty girl
Real bad so and so
Done too many things a girl shouldn't know
I swear I never knew
I could hurt you so
One too many things a girl shouldn't know

The more you try to stay
The more I let you go
Done too many things a girl shouldn't know
I swear I never knew
I could hurt you so
One too many things a girl shouldn't know

Won't stop and try to turn the clock back
I won't beg - I'm no good at that
Too late to start and act like a saint
Can't be something that I ain't

Been a naughty girl
Real bad so and so
Done too many things a girl shouldn't know
I swear I never knew
I could hurt you so
One too many things a girl shouldn't know

The more you try to stay
The more I let you go
From one too many things a girl shouldn't know
I swear I never knew
I could hurt you so
One too many things a girl shouldn't know

Been a naughty girl
Been a naughty girl

i feel like i'm sleeping later and later. but waking at regular hours. can't seem to stop this unhealthy lifestyle of mine. think i'm growing fat too. arghz. i should really really hit the gym soon. or at least go for a swim...

i do miss the pool.. training with the guys... and though kelvin is my coach, he's so nice to me. haha, miss the times i get "special" treatment cos i guess he knows i won't be able to commit as much as the others. i just joined the swim team cos i love swimming. and now, the last time i went for training was like... months ago. ek, guilt strikes.

okay, shall make a commitment to go either swimming or gyming next monday.

finally got a song up. found it from some french site as i couldn't find find the site tuesday gave me, and the one from pretty generated many ads and links to download music. so... haha, so credits to karene cos i copied the url from a previous skin she designed. it's one of those songs i just know i've heard it before, loved it, but don't know the name of the song or singer. haha, steve would know how serious a music sua ku i am. my library of songs is finally starting to increase thanks to him. and with the help of ol' mirc! i thought i'd never enter that place again. lol.. anyway as good as the music sounds, it doesn't really match with my blogskin. does it? prolly just show how weird i am? lol.

its been quite a day, but i shan't say more lest i catch even lesser sleep (though inevitable) especially when i still have a book to read before i go to bed every night. its just another 200 pages more. whee~

happen to stumble over a new skin. i vaguely remember seeing it before... but i can't point a finger as to where. thought it kind fit what i've been feeling lately.

been some time since i blogged. must be the lazyness. and ever since steve fixed my com, i seem to be spending even longer hours in front of it. i'm seriously becoming so addicted to my com, its really unhealthy. i'm like so preoccupied as i sit in front of the screen. but what was it i was so occupied about? all i can remember, is spending the time chatting and playing my game, checking mails occasionally. how in the world did time fly so rapidly?

my split personality is becoming more prominent. okay, maybe a slight exzageration there. but it's still something i haven't really realised or talked about until recent times. its amazing how i suddenly find such similarities with steve. but despite knowing the answer to my problems, i can't do a thing. my cure has to be triggered. the understanding that i can't change overnight, and need something to happen for me to change.

i'm waiting for that something to happen, even though i don't know what it is i'm supposed to expect.

memories can be blocked. but whats blocked, can always be unblocked. i wish i could forget. yet, i don't want to. perhaps time will tell.

perhaps.

maybe long hours of sleep is bad for health. its the 2nd night i had 9 hours of sleep and i'm actually feeling feverish. the past week of irregular hours actually did less harm?

but derrick said i look slimmer compared to the last time he saw me. thats like... quite a few months ago, and i thought i gained weight! lol, he asked if it was the stress from previous projects and exams. i guess i'll have to agree, though i still can't believe it's all over.

he definately made my day. i just love the people from community service club. genuinely helpful and nice people. its what the world lacks so much.

i finished the edited report and submitted it to the office! and i thought i was finally rid of all sports club work. yes, i want to retire as a lazy-good-for-nothing vice president. it is true, that event management is a low pay, low recognition, long hours and highly stressful job. what in the world have i gotten myself into to sentosa??

despite the compliment from derrick, i'm feeling rather low. i bet those people who were eyeing for my position would kick me if they read this post. really low of self confidence and esteem. definately need to buy some chocolates home from the bookshop before i go home. really tempted to bring this laptop home with me. hmm... but the thought of lugging this home definately puts me off. will just buy my chocolates. heck with the sore throat. will make it up with drinking lots of water at home, when i remember.

oh.. something weird happened yesterday. i dreamt i called chris, and we were having a normal conversation, as if nothing happened. i've always imagines so many different scenarios of what will happen, should i really gather that much courage to call. but this one always struck as the most unnatural, nomatter how ideal it may seem. i don't know why i can't bring myself to get over it already. its not like this is my first relationship.

as much as i know how lousy it sounds. i want to be the unfeeling ice queen. to retract so deep into my shell and never have to come out again.

i don't know how i feel towards people. everything seems like such a blur to me now. accepting the love of someone can be so simple a thing to do. but trusting someone again and learning to love once again... i'm not sure i know how. maybe i'm just still too young. "haven't seen enough" like what my sister call it. mom says to just be friends, but how many friendships can remain purely as one for so long? is there a term beyond friendship yet not crossing into relationships?

i don't feel ready for anything. whatever that happens now is just a car wildly crashing recklessly. i'm confused and crapping. oh whatever.

i lost another post again.

i had the feeling that what i thought and what i felt as i stepped into church was contradictary. there i was saying i do not want love and that same four letter word kept being repeated as i spent that 4 hours in church. or was i being over sensitive?

i am... still wondering how u cure split personality.

oh well, can't think. still traumatised by the cockroach i saw just moments ago. it was huge.

anyone can give me a lesson on love? i feel dumb. really.

lost the previous entry.. think i'll prolly have to cut blogging cos i can't seem to be able to post. connection is just so bad.

listening to a new song now, by tao zhe. well its not exactly a new song, but i didn't listen to it with much attention... till now. somehow it's just on replay mode over and over again. its a nice song... but painful too.

i've forgotten the meaning of love. so simple yet so complicated. what have i done to myself? i rather not have it.

don't say you love me.
unless you know what it means.
unless you know me.
unless... i can love you back.

wish i could hang out with amelia, amos and steve again like today... but maybe cut down on the prata. cos i'm still feeling bloated after 7 hours. now thats unhealthy.

i'm still in a slacker mood. finished only 86 of my 676 page book. and the book is due tomorrow. if i didn't have to go out, if i didn't have a report to rush... maybe i can't finish it. hmm.. guess i won't be sleeping tonight again.

didn't sleep at all again... read through the night and came to school early for the so called 11am meeting only to have to wait for others and the meeting only started at 12.30pm. talk about late huh?

and i'm actually staying for a briefing that won't be concerning me much, cos i'm supposedly working in sentosa by then.

sigh. dreading the results too... heard they're supposed to be out today, and some peeps have already gotten theirs. yikes. i just hope i don't fail anything, and get at least an A in something. i must believe.

and oh, next sad news. the new phone is being used by my mother. its so ironic that she tells me that she bought the phone for me but she wants to use for herself..? -.- i don't know how to contain myself. another prayer in hope that she doesn't scratch the phone and finds it boring before finally passing it to me.

triple sigh.

the house seems to be somewhat in order, after the breakout last night. it was really somewhat strange. and i almost felt like i could charge my parents for consultation. guess i'm just amazed how communication problems can still be such a big issue between couples which have been married for over 30 years. which brings it to how strange i seem to be able to help others, but never myself. sigh.

back in the afternoon today, there was something wrong with my handphone. and my heart really felt like it stopped for 3 seconds cos i just froze there looking at my phone, seeing that familiar name. but it was just an error. not a message from him. felt so disappointed it made me realise how much i still miss him. but i've got no courage to call or do anything. i'm like 90% pessimist, and that part of me is saying it's best left forgotten cos his life is much better without me. whereas 10% of my optimism tells me to believe in love, hope and dreams. should i send a letter? sigh. i'm probably just creating more trouble.

well, the only good thing that happened is that i believe i seem to have somewhat matured in my parents eyes. what with the way i handled their argument and played mediator. and prevented my parents from killing themselves. i was actually just that close to screaming to die along. well, just glad i didn't. and for all that trouble, i got a new handphone! like yay~ after using a broken phone without a back casing for 2 months (gosh it didn't feel like it was that long until i counted) a new phone looks amazing.

*smile fades*

suddenly dread meeting for sports club tomorrow. thinking of the possibility of it lasting from 11am to 4pm seems like a totaly waste of time. worst of all, i don't exactly know how to make it productive myself since the coming project is kinda new to me. and with me going for sip when term starts, i know i can't exactly offer my presence to help on the day of the event. oh well, will have to see what i can do then. maybe i could use the time to finish the report i've been putting off for so long. if i can finish that, then maybe the time spent in school would feel more productive. ah yes, and the mail i've been putting off to send to juliana. having a really bad memory. what to do, i'm feeling rather dreamy.

the house is noisy again. the constant nag. the never-ending complaints. the senseless remarks. blasting tv. and many more...

sigh.

haven't blogged in awhile... maybe thats why i'm feeling so screwed.

sigh.

so many things have happened... and i'm just kinda lazy to type 'em all out. i must admit, lately my lazyness is really starting to get out of hand.

i think my coursemates must hate me now. for being so late. and so dumb. i actually overshot by 2 stations on the mrt without realising it. so screwed. i'm somewhat glad i won't see them for the next half of the year... maybe they'll forgive me after 6 months. but i just know i can expect an awful aura in school in the coming sip briefing. i just know. really unlucky day today. sigh. talk about the worst morning i've ever had. maybe it's the lack of sleep. hmm...

mom is finally back from china, kunming. the only thing i felt from the week she's been gone, is that i'm quite a messy person. hmm.. messy is not the word. its really pure lazyness. the house has always been messy to begin with, so its not my fault nothing's really changed much. in fact, i'm just so lazy to cook for myself i barely used the kitchen. and to show the extensiveness of how much i've been glued to the computer, i haven't switched the television on till just moments ago to check on teletext for mom's plane arrival time. thats like missing a whole week of television! and i barely noticed. there's just so much more enjoyable things to do. like watching chobits.

*excited*

i think i can really get used to living by myself. i don't need a big house. small and cosy would be fine. then just provide me with comfy and solid furnitures, a working desk, chairs, a computer with internet connection, a small tv.. ah yes, and a clean bathroom. yup, i'll do perfectly fine. an income of 2k should be enough to sustain myself. maybe when i'm feeling ambitious i'd aim for more.

i'm losing, or maybe i have lost faith in myself with regards to relationships. i still miss chris. the more i try to forget, the more i couldn't. i can never bear to open the inbox of my handphone. mind over matters of the heart can sometimes feel rather complicated. though nomatter how many times you've talked to yourself, convinced yourself and sometimes even know that you understand the logic behind certain things, the raw aching feeling still remains. i hate relationships. or rather, i wish i could die soon. save all the hurt and sorrow. happiness is always short-lived. i'll probably give it a generous ratio of 1 to 1000? which means for every one minute of happiness, you usually experience 1000 minutes of sorrow in your life.

argh. got alot of crazy wild thoughts. getting somewhat crappy and sleepy but unwilling to acknowledge that i'm tired and lethargic all at the same time. my head's throbbing like mad. must be the lack of sleep.

wish i had some ice cream.

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
[new silver watch]
[fuji instax mini 25]
[travel to taiwan/hk]
[travel to hawaii]
[travel to maldives]
[travel to japan]
[travel to europe]

+adeline+
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+anime art+

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