just got home from my cousin's commision ball.. tired and i guess i'm glad i didn't have to go clubbing. well, can't say that dinner was as fantastic as i thought it might be. except maybe for the appetiser? mmm...

anyways, i felt kinda bad everytime someone asked if i was the girlfriend of my cousin and i had to reply that we're just "friends". take note, my cousin asked me to reply that we're friends and not cousins. i guess it's more apropriate.. but i just didn't feel good having to "lie". one of the girls even asked me what made me agree to be my cousin's partner for the ball and my tongue tied. its the kind of situation that would make u lie further.. so i said i didn't think i should tell her and i think she got alittle offended... sigh, i'm just not used to such occasions.

kept thinking about chris and having flashes of memories here and there... miss him so much..

ok i better get some rest.. argh, its so troublesome to remove all the make-up...

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didnt fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everwhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to loose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain til its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything
till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong

Each year he sent her roses,
and the note would always say,
I love you even more this year,
than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow,
with every passing year."

She knew this was the last time
that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses
in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early,
way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems and
placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside
the portrait of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours,
In her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was
to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour,
The doorbell rang, and there
were roses sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in,
and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,
to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him,
if he would explain, Why would someone would
do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away,
more than a year ago,"
The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
he flowers you received today,
were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
he left nothing to chance.
There is a standing order,
that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,
you'll get them every year.

There also is another thing,
that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.
Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here, that's the card that
should be sent to you
the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking,
as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,
this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year
since I've been gone.
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.
I know it must be lonely,
and the pain is very real.

Or if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything
so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say,
ou were the perfect wife.
You were my friend and lover,
you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year,
but please try not to grieve.

I want you to be happy,
ven when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.
When you get these roses,
think of all the happiness that we had together,
and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and
I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness,
while living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year,
and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered,
when the florist stops to knock.
He will come five times that day,
in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
he will know without a doubt!
To take the roses to the place,
where I've instructed him
and place the roses where we are,
together once again.

i took a stroll from the office in the evening to make my way slowly to the beach at the end of the island, trying to think.. but i couldn't really form any thoughts. i just kept walking.. thinking about how much i miss and like chris... wondering if i'm qualified to love him at all..

i feel so lost. so dumb. and so angry with myself...

i don't know if it were the truth.. but when van said it with such conviction as if it were a fact. i could only cry. worse still.. i was crying in the middle of my friend's birthday party.

i don't know how to continue. maybe sleep will help.

suddenly when the office is all quiet and there's no one around, you wonder about the things you did. the things you have done. and probably what other things you think you might do someday.

you? sorry.. i meant me.

i guess when things around me don't feel the same, it might not have been the surroundings that have changed.

i'm obsessed with the work i do.

seriously.

but maybe thats not the biggest problem of all. somehow the loss is getting too hard to bear. seeing nicole always give me some soft hint of him sometime. and the scent ken wears always brings him into my mind. working was the only thing that kept my mind off it. 'cos i could always brainwash myself about all the other things that i have to do, that i need to do. and when everything is done, let that sense of achievement and fulfillment drown me. but somehow its not really working for now. maybe it's the fever. or maybe it's because i'm doing more administrative work instead of events. so i hope its temporary.. i need to be strong...

i can't cope with too many people. so perhaps i'm a born loner. somehow i derive comfort when i tell myself that. cos i know i'm not a good friend. and i know its hard to be my friend. acquaintance is your generousity to me.

taking a break from work for now.

lalala...

ok, breaks over. damn!






i think i'm going nuts.

damn.. missed the deadline for signing up for a cds.
now i gotta pray hard no one likes freehand drawing and that there's a space for me. it needs to be able to fit into my timetable too!!

argh, so many odds against me. life goes on...

after the headache subsides, the fever reigns. i feel like a sars victim. haha

its weird.. the sudden apearance of so many people chatting with me over msn. have i been offline that long? haha, i'm over my head.

then again, what came suddenly left suddenly. i have no idea whats going on. can't think properly. my head's all foggy from the medicine which i took in the morning and haven't had time to take the in the afternoon. my eye feels itchy.

is my end near? bleah..
haha, can't wait.. amelia's coming back! whee~

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

The Real You
Here is the analysis:
You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.
You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.
Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?
Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.


What's your personality love style?
Here is the analysis:
You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Bright and Cheerful
You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.


What does being a friend really mean to you?
You value your friendships: 20%
Frankly, you don't see the importance of your friends at all. Perhaps you love yourself too much, or you value the material things in life, or maybe you have just overlooked the importance of having friends. For you, 'friends' are simply the people you happen to meet and they become meaningless to you once you don't get to see them anymore.

Are You Nosy?
Nosy Level: 50%
You may seem to be a nosy person to some people, but actually you are quite a serious person who's not at all interested in gossip. You just like to know what's going on around you. It's a natural interest and you can get offended when people tell you they think you're a sticky-beak.

Jealousy Test
Jealousy Level: 50%
You harbor hidden feelings of jealousy
You easily get jealous of other people, but you manage to control your expressions and emotions. For instance, when a close friend tells you that she has met the man of her dreams, you might sincerely say to her "Congratulations!", but what you're really thinking is "You're so lucky! Why can't I be you?"

Cinderella
How you control your husband, who will lead the family and who will be led?
You tend to adopt traditional roles of a fine woman. You listen to what your husband tell you attentively and enjoy being guided and led by him.

Who is your dream guy?
Here is the analysis:
According to your answers; if you are not kidding, you are too complicated. Sorry, we are unable to offer the analysis. Press Back button on you browser, check ONE question that you were not completely sure and try again with a different answer that you think it would be correct.

hahaha, the last answer is the funniest~

finally!! this may sound sua ku, but i finally went clubbing at zouk yesterday. or should i say this morning? haha, it's amazing how i still managed to climb out of bed at 6.30am to shower, play my game, and then make my way out of the house.

mind you, i still feel pretty drugged with alcohol and i was so sleepy, i couldn't read the papers when i was on the train earlier. ah yes, talk about the train station, there was a miracle! felt so blessed as an empty, and i mean totally empty train stopped right in front of my eyes. for the 2nd time in more than 2 months, i got a seat! who cares about the papers?! i happily dozed, in hope that i'll be less drugged and sleepy.. which i am not. hah

well, basically after dinner, we (van, lay ling, jen, caroline, samantha, hwee lin kenny and me) were actually kinda too early to party. so we went to velvet first (i was underage for that!) and had really nice lychee martini and some really dry white wine to toast our b'day boy. then at about ten plus, we went over to mambo to meet up with the rest of my collegues~ it was still really empty then, so we just hanged around and waited for time to pass, while drinking alittle to prep ourselves. i the only drink i love and kept drinking was the cranberry and vodka me and samantha take turns mixing. lol, by i think 11 or 12 plus, (can't keep track of time) everyone was dancing and partying. was so amazed to see marilyn on the podium. idol idol~ lol

met a guy called heng, (not sure of the spelling) who's a friend of phebe. we danced together on and off throughout the night, and there was once he offered me a tequila shot. suddenly remembered someone telling me not to accept drinks from strangers. was it moss? or kelly? hmm.. but since he was a friend of phebe, and phebe even told me he was a police, so i guess it was okay. right? is anyone expecting me to say it didn't turn out okay in the end? haha, i made the right choice, cos the drink wasn't spiked and it was realy nice too. didn't feel that the alcoholic content was high either. then i also drank 3 shots of something van offered. sounds like i kept drinking and drinking... but i think i danced quite a fair bit too. a few people (can't remember who) said i dance well, and no one believed that it was my first time clubbing. (i consider summer love and liberation a party, not clubbing) i think i'm quite shocked that i can dance the way i did too. hmm, i think i picked it al up from nicole. haha

then i think at about 1 or 2 am, van, nicole, marilyn, louis, frank and me went to future. hanged around abit but i think i knew i shouldn't stay longer cos at the back of my head i kinda thought my parents would be staying up to wait for me. (which they realy did) but i didn't get a scolding cos i told them what i was doing, and inbetween when i missed their call, i smsed~ haha, can see that they're really controlling themselves from being over paranoid and locking me up.

on the overall, mambo at zouk was pretty good last night. though there were a number of people who smoked, i was surprised i took it quite well, maybe it's also because the vandilation was pretty good too. wouldn't mind going again, haha... maybe next time.

okok, back to work.

i feel rather controversial.

sigh, let me be.

*takes a few minutes of silence*

hmm.. i've no issues with my bank account. but i hope my mom doesn't raise any.. if she sees how much i've drained the account.. i'm definately not excited to see that look on her face. haha, i need my "allowance" from my company.

Fast!

feel so screwed.. sigh.
and all i see is a packed week ahead.

who do you perceive me to be? sometimes i really wonder what kind of impression i'm actually giving to the people around me. i don't understand myself, yet sometimes i feel that i know myself, and whats best for me.

i wonder how many people out there really know the kind of person i truly am, when i myself don't have a clue. how can someone say they love me, when they don't know me? if you say its what your heart tells you, then what if one day your heart says she's not the one? then when that day comes, its all bye and farewell?

i'm so tired of all the anology i've tried and been trying to make. wondering produces no result, and in the process i've totally lost my character and attitude. i take things as it comes, say bye when things pass. few people mean much to me now. i'm being independent. life is all about surviving by yourself, isn't it? love doesn't last. mom's said it. newspapers print articles all about it. you see it everywhere. almost everyone is a living testimony of it.

but every now and then, sometimes there's always these people, a couple of special friends who appear out of nowhere, or just seem to butt into your life to give you that ray of hope, that life isn't that bad and its worth the living. it can be real heart warming i know..

so there you see my lifes' journey. to work as hard as i can, get along and love the people around me, try to understand and live with my parents while i strive to gain more independence to one day be able to step out of the world alone. mind you, i would really rather live in the comfort of my own home for the rest of my life. i can just stay home and live in a world of my own for an eternity. just supply me with some food and money, electricity to play computer games and a library of good books. then there you have it, a tamed kitten in your hands.

but i can't grow like that. as much as i want to, as much as i'd like to, i need to face the cold of reality. step out, face work, meet crap people and get comfort from the few left who treat me as a friend. i don't have many friends. to the few that are, i'd hug them to death and wish they were mine. cos i know they're not, and at the end of every day, we'll have to part anyhow. which is why as of now, none of my friends have died in the arms of mine yet. haha

i'm crapping. just feeling sad for awhile before i turn ice queen and put on some funny mask to hide myself. i don't wanna be saved. i'm still in denial. kinda sounds like i'm growing into some kind of twisted psycho. don't know, perhaps so. i need a jerk out of my dark room. maybe in future, by someone yeah?
or maybe i don't even know what i'm saying. crap.

amelia i need your hug very very badly...

office was pretty quiet today. jennifer is already off in thailand and everyone seems to be so concentrated in doing work. well, so was i. then you don't realise how time ticks away, cos next thing you know, it's time to punch out.

had a small birthday dinner with fagan and jane at marche after work. but by the time leigh and jason came, i had to go.. and i didn't see mark. felt alittle distant. felt that jane was really sad inside, though its her birthday. she's putting such a strong and happy front on the outside.. i hope she doesn't drink much laters...

dunno, i'm not good at helping people. i'm suddenly just losing touch with some things. friends. family. so many things... and the only thing i enjoy doing now, is work. and i can't wait to get my pay. haha

kinda pressured to see so many skinny people lately... feel so fat, i wish i could just lay on the ground and let a car run over me. sigh, i don't know what's getting over me. moodswings maybe? i wanna talk to someone, but i guess i don't have time to spare the people who might me there to listen either.

i miss chris. everywhere i go, everything i see, everytime i stop working, i would cringe. i'm like trying too hard to forget, and so i can't. i wish i could turn back time, wish i could do something. i need a hug so badly...

tired.. my wound is bleeding because my itchy finger went to touch it.. i hope i don't get an infection.. good thing the dentist disinfected the area aftter she removed the stiches. argh.. and she says i need to fill some cavity... how i wish there was some kind of miracle toothbrush or paste that can just fix everything so i won't have to go through so much pain!

so thankful to have nicole accompany me to the dentist.. and i feel so bad for not going to big-o with her. i hope nothing bad happens and she'll get home early n safe. it'll be another long day at work tomorrow..

but i really love the work i do. the sense of satisfaction and achievement from each project is amazing... well, provided that nothing screws up. and this weekend, i really can't afford to have anything screwed, cos jennifer is off to thailand for a short getaway with her husband, lay ling is off on a diving trip, and amanda is off for holiday too. it'll down to me and sheena, two small little interns with the rest of the crowds on the beach.

i'm praying hard.

the movie was initially not too bad... until it came to the ending. which was so sudden, so fast, so crappy. i felt like i heard or seen this ending before.

bahx..

i'm off to bed for the much needed sleep i need. lest i wake up feeling all grumpy and ruining the day of my friends again..

been so long it seems, when time flies so fast i can't seem to stop running. i'm running on a race track with no ending. then i see so many faces, all blurred i can't make out. memories i can't remember, yet they don't go away. and i need someone to make it stop. won't someone make me stop soon..

so much have happened i really don't know where to start.

maybe tomorrow. haha

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
[new silver watch]
[fuji instax mini 25]
[travel to taiwan/hk]
[travel to hawaii]
[travel to maldives]
[travel to japan]
[travel to europe]

+adeline+
+amanda+
+amelia+
+amos+
+amos in america+
+andy+
+angeliegh+
+david+
+delise+
+fagan+
+hui min+
+hester+
+jane+
+jolyn+
+jovi+
+karin+
+mareen+
+shuang jie+
+steve+
+verna+
+yi ling+

+kenny sia+
+kinky blue fairy+
+stick gal+
+my art gallery+
+facade+
+tickle wickle+
+anshao+
+strawberrynet+
+blogskins+
+anime art+

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