Tuesday, August 31, 2004 @12:36 AM
full moon in the streaked sky
been neglecting too much of my blog of late. too too much. i haven't been so not-up-to-date before..
it's a record.
having trouble thinking back. having trouble remembering and reflecting..
lately i've been noticing my split personality again. the wierd spacey feeling that i'm not myself and i'm acting strangely seems to come to my mind. like the things that i say and do wasn't really from me, but how can it not be from me if i just said it? so contradictory huh? i feel like i'm going around in circles.
saa finally approved my project. and i'm actually relieved, that i've got a programme on my hands. relieved that theres $1250 at my disposal. relived that rachel booked an $800 worth of catering food for me. relieved that jamie sent in my cash advance... and now comes the panic.
memorandums i have yet to send out
banner designs
guestbooks
photocopying the project stuffs for viewing during agm
doing the powerpoint slides for agm
buying oranges to make invitations
sending out the invitations
seeing sam to run through the workplan
mailing the sub-comms for manpower
looking for ushers
fixing a dress code
looking for photographers
searching for rock-climbers
briefing everyone, even the production crew
rehersal on the day before the real event
someone tell me i'm not seeing stars..
then i need to call delong to help me ask lester about the balloons
think about napkin folds
make reservations for dry ice to be delivered on 17th sept
practice for wine service and appraisal this friday
worry over mocktails
think about my stand in saffron
regret about taking the role as leader
think about ob report due this friday too
worry about ob presentation next monday
get hit by marketing information
organising what i know about marketing control to implement it into the marketing plan
wonder how to peer teach
broad over applied research
freak over accounting tutorials
search for my ob book
and last but not least, remember to relax.
gosh, i wonder how i ever forget. ok that was abit too sacarstic..
Monday, August 23, 2004 @2:39 PM
lost in space
well, not the movie but more like my own space in time. now kinda like slacking in the bsc room with delong and his friends. the things that they say are so funny. the way they they discussed about the oly substitumpics and the many different substitute sports they created... don't know whether to say that they are too creative or too bored. lolz
at least i'd say its the start of a good week. last week was more than horrible. somehow in so many different ways. but then.. there were also the little things that made up for all the big blunders and pressure. its just so undescribable. so stressful, yet i made it through.
must thank a number of people for this. =)
at this point of time... i still have quite a couple of things to settle, hopefully i don't get stressed anymore, though i believe it is rather impossible. learning to take things easy and cope with my studies. skipped one lecture and tutorial already... argh, no confidence that i'll be able to maintain my results. fearful that my parents will start breathing down my neck again.
ahh... whatever. feel like playing cards with the guys now. shan't think any further.
Sunday, August 22, 2004 @10:46 PM
above all
crucified
laid behind a stone
you lived to die
rejected and alone
like a rose
trampled on the ground
you took the fall
and thought of me
above all
Friday, August 13, 2004 @3:01 PM
broke
but deeply satisfied with the additional number of comics on the shelf
*beams*
waiting for my cup noodles to be be cooked, then it'll probably be back to work for me.. just realised that i don't only have my business ettiquette project and sports club annual general meeting to worry about. clean forgotten is my saffron joint project proposal report and service reflection! argh, can feel the stress creeping up... oh yeah, and i'm gonna sign up for a national youth achievement silver award.
i'm feeling so different now.
like i wasn't the average ordinary blend-into-the-surroundings kind of girl anymore. well, maybe other than the fact that i still live like one *looks at my cup noodles* oh well, ponder more another time, eat now. i'm hungry!!
@12:03 AM
fruit salad
i'm partially craving for this, but actually i just feel that its the only thing to describe what i've learnt from camp. just within 3 days and 2 nights... its amazing how much an impact it made on everyone. i don't think i'll be forgetting old problems and concerns, late night cold showers, the horrible meals and wonderful last day supper, the team bonding games and singing while on a balance session, the indian poker and twisted logic games. i have so many fond memories.. and i believe i've almost forgotten all the not so nice ones. i guess the only pressing concern now would be the annual general meeting i'm supposed to coordiante. i won't be exzaggerating to say that it can freak me out. there is just seriously alot of things to do, little time to accomplish everything, and still try to cope with projects and revision.
dad just said he'd give me an increase in my allowance if i did well for term tests~ now thats what i call motivation! haha, but i doubt the validity. he's having his own "exams" tomorrow.. and if he pass, he'd be qualified to sell insurance. so it would also mean he has more income.,? thats y i might get slightly more allowance. chances are slim... but i guess i've got nothing to lose. i hope he passes anyway!!!
tired.
brain dead.
unable to remember anything...
conclusion?
i should go to bed. =)
Tuesday, August 10, 2004 @5:46 AM
enclosed
suddenly had this feeling of being in a cage again. maybe its the song. listening to everytime from britney is quite addictive... somehow.
there's something inside me that knows the reason, but i'm refusing to acknowledge it.
so i guess i'm running away.. since i know there's no answer to the questions i have. no definations to the feelings i know..
but still it hurts me. the squeeze i feel. the light tinge and the small tear.
i just don't want to know.
perceptual defence
@5:21 AM
a song from britney
everytime
notice me, take my hand
why are we strangers when
our love is strong
why carry on without me
everytime i try to fly, I fall
without my wings, i feel so small
i guess i need you, baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face, it's haunting me
i guess i need you, baby
i make believe that you are here
it's the only way i see clear
what have i done
you seem to move on easy
and everytime i try to fly, i fall
without my wings, i feel so small
i guess i need you, baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face, you're haunting me
i guess i need you, baby
i may have made it rain
please forgive me
my weakness caused you pain
and this song's my sorry
at night i pray
that soon your face will fade away
and everytime i try to fly, i fall
without my wings, i feel so small
i guess i need you, baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face, you're haunting me
i guess i need you, baby
Saturday, August 07, 2004 @3:13 AM
pink sky
yes, the sky was pink today... as i dragged my poor tired soul home, i couldn't help admiring the beauty of the orangy sunset. i guess the only conclusion i could make was that the weather today and yesterday was fabulous. i even managed to get a little tan.. hah, seems like ages since i last went to the pool in bikini with a purpose to tan.
suddenly i'm reminded of the days ahead of me... the holiday that isn't a holiday.
i'm feeling tired.
but then again i must thank god for seeing me through the papers.. thank delong too.. never thought i'd be so stressed up by things cos i always thought i was somehow in control..? so anyway i'm just glad its all over and i feel rather relieved that i may not have done my papers that badly afterall.
lost yesterday's entry twice, so i don't think i'll be repeating any part of it again, cos maybe it's god's will.. hah, but also mainly because my brain is somewhat dead since it's 3.30 in the morning and i still haven't made up the little sleep i have had last night. been so stressed i barely slept for 3 hours.
sadly, i'm going to drown under my blankies only to wake up to prepare for a sports club meeting at 2pm later... can't hide in my room as i wanted to... oh well, too empty headed to say more.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004 @4:10 PM
sunny day
been studying and studying and studying... i guess i really can't stay away from the computer. the more i tell myself to stay away from the computer, the more i couldn't resist and here i am, blogging. haha.. but it was also a good thing.. since i got to plan out a last minute gym session after tomorrow's paper, and then continuing to study for ob (organisational behaviour) with leigh tomorrow. starting to feel the pressure climbing up... sure hope everthing turns out well.
just added a new piano midi called silent life, abstracted from an anime...
somehow, i like it alot.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004 @3:46 AM
another day has passed...
another day gone...
feeling a sense of nothingness engulfing me...
the quiet
the pain
the loneliness today,
has stopped and awaits
yet another tomorrow...
Monday, August 02, 2004 @5:27 PM
new background
took me quite some time to set everything straight... but i think i like the new layout... sorry if anyone finds it hard to read... ^-^
@4:43 AM
seems so long
feeling so bizzare its really so hard to say... nothing seems to be going the way i thought it would be. nothing seems to be going right.. and i feel so helpless.
one moment i could have sworn i felt like the the happiest girl around, and somehow the next i'm at a bottomless pit. sometimes things can get me so confused... so sad and hurt... i really don't know how much i can bear.
i don't understand why things are the way it is... why i'm treated the way i dreaded so much. first its my family... and now this. the thoughts that go through my mind are not within my control.. and the tears that fight to pour out are not easy to hold back. but the things my heart keeps telling me... no one will ever understand. my silence is there for a reason... though mostly i can't explain. so somehow i don't believe anyone would ever understand, the pain that sears through my heart.
this life i never thought was mine... this life i never asked for... is slowly but steadly killing me.
who knows when i might lose my sainty and change the way people thought i wouldn't be?
the life that i knew... the life that i wanted.. seems so far out of reach. and sometimes i just feel so alone.. so foolish.. and so weak. there are times my complexity stuns me, and in the next moment i can't think about anything. but i know... that i'm just running away from the problem.. the route of escaping that seems much easier to bear.
then i try to tell myself, that nomatter what happens,
i know i'm stong.
i know i can do it.
i know i can live on.
and someday... maybe just one day...
life will be easier.