Thursday, September 29, 2005 @8:48 AM
runaway teddy
feel like hugging a teddy. this kind of sudden urge as i sit in the office makes me feel all the more like a lunatic. hmm.. lunatics are cute though. note that i'm referring to a monster in the game i play.. i actually have a pet lunatic. before you get any misconception, a lunatic looks like a rabbit with long overgrown fur. i need carrot juice.. ahh, lotsa pets i have yet to tame.
anyways, i just wanna slack. munch on food. draw something nice for bryan whose last day at work is tomorrow. haha, fantasizing helping him in freelancing.. that would be quite a dream. i have yet to realise what my true ambition. so far i do know i'm working towards one goal. and i can prety much forsee being pretty tied up in work for event management? settling down would be alittle difficult, but not impossible. having kids would be alot harder though. haha
need to pull myself together.. i never fail to be utterly amazed at how japanese are so independent. the comic i completed reading makes me envious of a relationship i dreamed of having before. something thats impossible though. haha.. i'm just crapping.
miss alex..
Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @9:39 PM
grinz
my head is sinking from ther lack of sleep. but i'm still totally elated from the fact that i didn't finish studying for my final theory test. i was 20 minutes late for my test. and yet... i passed!! hahahaha~ praise the lord.
guess the only sad thing is the fact that my next driving lesson is in november. don't think my dad is gonna let me drive his car in the parking lot.. sigh.
my mom went crazy at me at 3am last night. imagine the woman who gave birth to you suddenly open your bedroom door while you were just reading a nice comic, minding your own business, and just a few pages to the end of the story before you are about to go to bed. she screams at you and burst into tears, complaining how 'i' am not giving a damn about the family. how 'i' am hardly at home. how she don't want to regard me as her daughter anymore. how she don't want to care about me anymore. how 'i' didn't tell her about my decision to go to bali for my overseas educational trip. how 'i' am always spending my time at home in front of the com or in my own room. how hard it is to get a chance to talk to me.
bloody hell.
'i' have to
work. working hard is how i push for a better assesment grade from my boss. after a day of hard work, can't 'i' go home and rest? spend the whatever few time 'i' have doing the things 'i' like? 'i' don't give a damn about the family? they bloodly well are not giving a damn about me, what do you expect me to do for them? be their slave? both of them are RETIRED. of course they're always at home. 'i' have
work to do. of course i'm not at home!?! its like.. wtf? are you even thinking what you're asking? and then there's the biggest joke. she claims 'i' didn't tell her abt my decision. but i did. and they complained how expensive it was to go to dubai.
they asked me to go to bali. note the pronounciation for bali is still ba li. now my mama exclaims that she was referring to paris. hello? paris in chinese is ba si. totally different ya?
she drives me crazy. i can't remember why i cried to bed..
ok, not feeling that happy anymore.. sigh. maybe you might think i'm the loony one.. but the wonderous thing is to pull myself out of bed in the morning, and to see her act as if nothing happened the previous night. thats the way it always happened. the kind of strange calmness after a hurricane disaster. i feel like the mess. the result of whats left after the smack from the tornedo. tell me you won't go crazy. i'd gladly let you live in my place.
Friday, September 23, 2005 @9:45 AM
fortunate
There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
Thursday, September 22, 2005 @7:44 PM
just breathe
i guess there's just no one time a break thats long enough for me to pen down a decent thought.
but it really doesn't matter.
so i tell myself.
whats forgotten should be left forgotten.
i'm too tired to dig.
so what if i do remember.
there's nothing i can do.
probably nothing i will do.
to change the way i am, who i am
i don't know.
how hard can you try to live in the present?
i feel so delluded.
this sudden loss makes concentration on work alittle hard, but nothing will stop.
time won't wait for no one.
i can only thank the people who see me as human.
who love me somehow even though i don't feel worthy.
maybe they can see how i'm crying inside.
maybe they know i'm just seeking attention.
and i actually want and expect more.
i actually looked down on you.
i'm just plain unworthy.
what is love.. life just seem unreal.
Friday, September 16, 2005 @5:31 PM
block
miss playing my game.
excited to go on a weekend getaway with my colleagues.
can't believe the things i said actually
really lead my friend to tender his resignation. but i think its really the best decision, though just shocked at how fast the procedure went.
will miss lunching with him..
sigh. can't stop the things i want to forget from popping into my head. the more you try to forget, the more you can't applies right now. now why doesn't that happen to accounts? haha, i hope the answers i gave can still salvage some marks for a friend i barely know.
i think that sums up my day.
god i need a break.
goodness, and i just remembered my FTT is next sunday! ahh...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 @3:19 PM
fcuk
was so pissed in the morning with my mom.
the kind of supreme irritatedness till you just want to kick and throw whatever your hand can grab. i was actually kicking my blanket in my fit of anger. so childish. yet thats just exactly how i feel.
fancy being woken up in the middle of the morning. then hear some problem your mom has with the phone. its all technical. and so being as nice as i can i tried to find the problem despite the time of that hour. despite how tired i am. whilst explaining about the power trip she herself is NOT even listening. i tried fixing the phone turning it on and off a couple of times. rubbed the sleep from my eyes to try and figure out which are the wires for the phone after shifting the table and crawling on my knees. bottomline, i couldn't fix it.
felt bad and sorry and was alittle irritated she had to wake me up to fix this in the middle of the morning when she could have asked while i was more awake?? and she wasn't even very much awake herself. she wasn't even listening to the things i was saying. and her eyes also look tired.. come to think of it, what in the world was she trying to do? call someone at that hour?? fcuk.
thats not the reason why i'm so pissed. the reason why i'm so pissed is because she came into my room again about 10 mins later to tell me that she fixed it.
i felt totally used. my time wasted on nothing. and she had the cheek to ask me what time i need to wake up. i told her 6am. and then she said "you better be able to wake up". so much for 'helping'.
that really made me go in a fit. i really so didn't want to go to work or even wake up from my bed. not that i could even fall asleep with the noise she was making outside my room. i had to control my urge to go out and scream at her and slam whatever my hands can grab on. the last time i felt like that i used my fist and kept hitting the wall, wanting to see blood.
then came the bigger temptation when alex wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to work. he suggested we both just get mc and hang out together.. weighing the odds i decided to just go for work and sleep in the bus. screw the 2 guys behind me that couldn't stop talking too.
nice of bryan to show me this site even though he didn't know what happened to me in the morning. i pretty much felt more calmed down the moment i got into the office. thank goodness. but all the same, to whoever that might need to kill something. enjoy!
http://www.somethingwrong.co.uk/crazy_frog_baseball
Monday, September 12, 2005 @6:02 PM
thunderstorm and showers
tired again. as usual.
feeling great cos i finished quite alot of work today. yet also abit sad that actually i'm just only an intern, and so life just will go on without me after i go. all i need to do is pass down all i know to denise and she can replace me.
don't like that feeling of replacement...
sigh.
feeling fat too. dang...
Friday, September 09, 2005 @8:40 AM
today...
it's a new 1 month annivarsary that i almost forgot until it dawn on me yesterday that today is friday. haha, must have looked really wierd when i exclaimed so loudly in the car.. anway, i think what was more shocking, is to find my house suddenly invaded by relatives when i got home. not that there were alot of them, but the surprise was the news that they'll be staying over for a few days.
so much for communication within the family.
and i kinda suspect my parents got into an accident of some kind cos the side window for the red car was broken. spotted dad trying to tape some of the pieces up two days ago.. well, i'm in no hurry to know everything right of now.
feeling kinda excited about shopping at tangs now! after hearing from cassandra and lay ling talk about their shopping spree.. its contagious i tell you. if i'm not meeting alex today then.. off i go! haha, i promised denise that. =p
i think this motivation is something i haven't felt in a long time~ and i believe it can cause me to be pretty broke. gotta plan to have enough to last me till my next payday.. which is like another 2 weeks more.. hmmm... that means no savings left for he possible trip overseas to either bali, macau or dubai. sigh. australia is pretty much out of the question..
double sigh.
Thursday, September 08, 2005 @8:51 AM
love is...
yay, finally changed another new skin. the wonders of html...
new resolution for today:
wanna love myself more, and have the capacity to love the others around me.
like its really anything new in the first place...
i don't know if its normal but i keep thinking to myself, why does he love me? i'm really not pretty in looks on many occasions.. don't have a great figure.. in fact, i'm like so fat standing next to him, i'm probably heavier than him now...
i hate that.. makes me wonder why i'm thinking so. i should have more self confidence or something. how do i define or know when i love him like the way he loves me? why me?
sometimes, i even think to myself, maybe he's not the one. the person i imagine is someone bigger than me. with hands big and strong. tall with broad shoulders for me to lean on. knows and understands me like my best friend. generous and pampers me like a princess. haha, i'm such a dreamer. funny how the word princess reminds me of steve..
work is getting more stressful now. losing much more concentrationin the mornings. guess there's too much distractions? but i also made a nice friend.
i want company...
Wednesday, September 07, 2005 @8:57 AM
hugging the air
love...
getting caught up with things i can remember yet can't. don't want to or can't.
oh well, whatever. :)
love the nice people out there, who have been so nice to me.