Wednesday, November 30, 2005 @5:02 PM
sad
angry yet sad.
why is it i can't seem to be myself. or why is the way i am so hateful to others?
fuck it
the worse scenario is when you can't avoid meeting the person even though you know she hates you. why do you have to act like that in front of me?
now i feel gutless for not retorting. but then again i guess its for the best. at least till the project is done and over with.
@10:12 AM
void
it is, yet another day, another rainy day, with me alone in the computer lab, chionging project. yes i totally forgot about it.. (so like me right?) sigh, something i couldn’t complete in the whole of my time during and after my internship, now i’m attempting to complete it in bout a couple of days. which is actually what i have left..
tell me about doing the impossible. i feel quite screwed!! seriously. there’s just too many things waiting and that needs to be done. especially since i came back from dubai. essays and readings and more research. i haven't even played a single game, since.. since when i can't even remember!! man my memory is bad.
but well, one of the best thing acomplished would have to be reformatting my com again. its not like i crashed it
again. i'm telling you, just give me a com for bout a year plus.. max maybe 2 years plus.. i guarantee you it will need to be formatted. somehow. god bless kelly. heh.
i think i can just learn how to format my com and start formatting my com myself in future.. the rate is just amazing lah. i really have to admit. if i didn't crash a com, i'd must have deleted something really important. if not, the next possible reason would probably be the intrusion of a deadly virus OR spyware i have no idea how it even got to my system in the first place. which i think my parents should be more guilty in that area, at the rate of them getting virus infected mails and opening them unintentionally like.. mulitple times?? goodness.
anyways, back about my trip to dubai.. its ridiculous! the flight getting delayed and being on a trainsit flight that didn't let us drop down to shop (felt really cheated there!) and then reaching the place only to realise the schedule they gave us is pretty much screwed and all that was left to do is really just check in, makan and go for a desert ride.
well, the desert ride was great though. a must for anyone who goes to dubai. the ride was the best thing that place probably has to offer me, at that point of time. dubai is pretty much still a developing country, so some of its streets are still pretty old and almost 50% of the place is constantly under construction. its masterplan is gonna be a feat. but if really accomplished, it'll be totally wow.. oh yes, back to the desert ride, it beats all the roller coaster rides i've ever taken. and the sight and view was just spectacular. then well, probably plus the bed in my hotel apartment room. these 2 are probably the best thing dubai offered me in that short 96 hours. ahh... did i mention is was over 2k??
argh. keep hearing voices of how my other friends went all over europe for that price, and for almost a month! heart bleeding.. i could have went to japan, france, venice, hawaii!!! and its not like i event went in the famous burj to view the vicinity also. i wanna demand a breakdown of how that price came to be!!! dammit.
haiz, don't wanna think about it.. think i'm just running away from getting back to my project work.. i started barely 5 mins and off i come here blogging for 15 mins. haha, need inspiration..
i miss my teddy...
Monday, November 28, 2005 @11:04 AM
bananas
don't ask me what the title means, its somehow my inspiration for today.
finally feeling more rested after the trip to dubai. frankly if you asked me, i did enjoy the trip, but i seriously still don't think it was worth 2k..
to be continued..
Saturday, November 19, 2005 @10:21 PM
work
i can't make out why, but i really feel so fortunate to have jennifer as my boss. haha.. she's really one interesting individual who have probably made an impact in me.. well, somewhere in me.
spent like the whole day working today and it feels great to know that its actually almost another month after my internship ended. time really flies!! and i'm really keeping in mind the number of projects due, when they are due and such.. i'm gonna aim for A for all my subjects!! must excel. must must must. i wanna get into SMU. it feels really rather far fetched with my current results.. i suddenly feel that i've really slacked too much. how in the world did i manage to find so much time to play online? i don't know how it dawn on me that i can actually spend so much more time studying. there's so many books in the library that i have yet to read. so much to learn.
and i really feel like i've been studying and doing my homework!! haha, small sense of achievement. must maintain.. which means lesser time on computer, no time on tv. actually, tv hasn't been a mode of entertainment for me since years ago. my free time was all spent here, in front of the com. now i'm gonna try to shift them to my books.. still can't believe i chanced upon this book called 'calculus for dummies' and i actually really borrowed it!! i told kelly how much i thought it suited me.. think i can imagine him laughing his ass off.. oops. =p
ok, all butts intact, i'm feeling happy today. actually, something did happen at the event today. i lost a buggy key.. i was feeling like so horrid. it just suddenly disappeared from my hand! like.. one moment i remember holding it.. the next i was stunned. like, omg, why is my hands empty??!? scared the shit out of me. really. thank god the key for buggy 18 was some kind of miracle key. i slot the key into buggy 19, and it operated!! amen amen amen.
jen and hwee lin were like musing abt how i have this strange relation with the number 19. hmm.. it just hit me.. i'm 19 this year too!! so uncanny.. lemme elaborate.. the last time i had a buggy crash accident in sentosa, the buggy that crashed was buggy 19. today, the buggy key i lost was the key for buggy 19. and today's date? november 19!! so many 19... scary rite..
okok, better start packing. i'm like gonna fly off in another 24hour's time~ whee~ so excited!! kinda feeling scared missing 1 lesson for each of my subject.. oh well, nothing i can do.. maybe i'll try to attempt tutorial before i go.. man i feel nerdy indeed.
Friday, November 18, 2005 @3:57 AM
struggle
blessed by the miracle medicine of my mom's, i've finally stopped coughing for longer than i can imagine. you can't understand the amout of relief i have for being able to break free from that vicious coughing-every-less-than-5-minutes cycle.
but i'm still in a virus outbreak. a very obvious and in the face sign that i'm stressed. really stressed. perhaps i'm really reaching my limit. juggling study and work is a feat. add peer pressure, friends, family and driving lessons into the equation... you might as well just kill me now. and a couple of months back i was actually still dreaming of taking japanese lessons. it can very much be left as a dream..
i don't know why, but somehow work seems never-ending. one of the reasons why i don't wanna quit is not because i can't bear to leave the people, but i don't want to leave loose ends hanging. i want to make sure that when i really need to go, like when exams are approaching, all knots are tied and things can just go on without me. as much as it sucks to feel unwanted, i guess its really for the best. i'll prove my worth another time, maybe another place, with another me.
i don't know how many split personalities i've become. how many sides of myself have i seen. i can't remember. kudos to my famous short term memory, i'm still the same old dumb girl that wishes for the impossible, and gives the possible little chance in her life, because she feels she doesn't trust anyone. or at least, there's only so much trust i feel one can put in people. cos i have so much confidence of how people will always lie, always break promises, always change, always fail.
imperfection.
am i not like that too? but i'm still leting my emotions run wild. denying whatever i don't want to know. giving in to whatever comfort by my side has to offer. mom n dad not included. they hae never been much comfort. even in sickness i am at fault for not recovering before my trip to dubai this sunday. they didn't even notice when i went to the clinic by myself, or how much medication i took. i finished everything. the realisation dawn on me how much pills i've been taking everyday. i felt like some terminally ill patient. being sick for so long, i finally understood the craving those patients in hospitals have to be healthy again. i could barely remember when i was like that.
but there was another part of me that wanted me to fall even sicker. get hospitalised. get dignosed with a fatal illness. then die..
i'm just tired. maybe it's a very selfish thought. i don't know. this feeling will pass.. soon i'll just forget everything and be alright. life goes on.
Thursday, November 17, 2005 @10:17 PM
feverish
is life about making the world a better place?
what if...
nvm, can't think properly. perhaps a nap before continuing my project would help..
Sunday, November 13, 2005 @10:34 PM
freedom
i will embrace what i have.
thank god for everything.
learn to love.
try my best to study and learn.
and there you see, my principles for living, understanding and comfort.
Friday, November 11, 2005 @2:42 PM
dark
found another theme song that feels suited to me.
do you understand the song?
Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Thursday, November 10, 2005 @8:32 PM
i'm here
alittle sad today.
somehow i can't explain.
Just heard this song over the radio..
Somehow wish someone would sing this to me. its really nice.
Because you live by Jesse McCartney
Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again
Cuz of you, made it through every storm
What is life, what's the use if you're killing time
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live, I live
Because you live there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me always
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live, I live
Tuesday, November 08, 2005 @8:03 PM
good day
its been a rather nice day today, aside from completely losing my voice that is.
started the day with sociology class, and i thought it was great. nice lecturer, and the impromtu groupmates were spontaneous! hope i'll be able to do group project with them.
then i did some exercise at the gym, stuck to my healthy diet of a slice of watermelon and honeydew + warm crysanthemum tea for my throat, and headed off to the library. read up abit of my new textbook and i found a dan brown fiction book! so happy~
lecture after that ended on schedule and i managed to reach ubi driving centre on time for my lesson as well! (saved $$ on cab fare =p) got another nice instructor (hurray~) who taught me how to speed and brake in emergency. he even asked me out for dinner which i declined cos i thought i was gonna meet alex. he even left a number for me to call should i need help and have any questions to ask but no one to turn to. in the end, alex got held up in camp so dinner was cancelled, and i went by the clinic myself to get some proper medication for my throat infection. was so afraid the doctor was going to suggest an injection for the swelling (its not double chin, thank god!!)
all in all, besides the constant coughing fits, life's good. gym with kelly and driving tomorrow again. who needs an mc? love school =D
Monday, November 07, 2005 @7:12 PM
sleepy
can't believe i got calculus and sociology. someone please shoot me.
can't believe i actually napped in first lecture of school!! must buck up to study.. i can already tell how kaisu some of my course mates are. groups have already been formed for major project work and i have no idea who is even
in my class. talk about peer pressure..
anyway, i kept coughing non stop. really felt like i could cough out blood in the next instant. and jane was telling me about hot and cold coughs.. not that i can really identify, but i thought barley should be good nomatter which kind. haven't drank that much liquid in ages. must be all the lack of water causing me to fall ill. was lucky to get a nice driving instructor too. finally entering module 2.. this whole driving thing is so expensive. kinda wished i went through private.. especially after hearing how sam spent less than 1k and got his license! that lucky dog.
gonna catch some snooze.. maybe miss dinner, then hopefully i'd lose some weight, and pray cramps never come back..
gym tmr! oh i'm so happy~
Sunday, November 06, 2005 @6:02 PM
neglected
my heart is bare,
my soul is empty.
i'm looking for a sign,
but i don't find any.
history repeats. i miss chris. i have no explaination. i heard some girl say this means i still have feelings for him. do i? does he? i dunno.
do i want to know?
i dunno.
i don't know is it that i don't want to know, or my mind rejects to think about it at all. whats over is over. but why do i still feel unsettled?
i'm not ready for all this relationship crap. as much as i feel that i need someone by my side. some company. some tender loving care. i feel like i'm hurting the nice people around me with my own twisted pain. the pain within me i can't describe. the yearning i need so much and crave so much that it disgusts me. the dumbness of wishing things that can never be true and dreaming of being the perfect someone for someone perfect.
do i love the person i'm with now? i have doubts. doubts that reflect my actions. and what does this conclude.. that i should end things before things get worse? promises again. i'm always listening.. always trying to believe.. and they are always broken right in front of my eyes...
enough of promises.. i need facts. truths. proof of the things you promise me. i know it might seem and sound shallow.. and yet i never implemented these rules i set so long ago. my heart is still soft as i protect myself from getting broken again. and in this process i still hurt the people who try to love me.
feeling so unworthy. i really should be a loner and just let alone..
school is starting.. need to study hard now.. and maybe try to juggle work.. i'm already feeling tired just thinking of it.