Wednesday, August 25, 2010 @11:35 PM
random
cramps!!!!!!!!
nuff said :(
Sunday, August 15, 2010 @11:28 AM
going out
i really do like staying home in my room. it's the 2nd place i spend most of my time in, aside from my office.
but it really gets to me when jason's not around, my mom pops by ever so often to update me on things i don't want to know. probably sensing my irritation, she would always end her 'intruding' trips with a remark of how i should be careful of guys.
sometimes i don't know whether she is genuinely concerned over me and my relationship with jason, whether she just dislike all men in general or that she's gloating over the misfortunes of my relatives and other women in general.
i doubt she is genuinely concerned over my relationship, because despite the help jason sometimes renders around the house, it is not fully appreciated. it's like, thank you today, forgot everything tomorrow. she doesn't want to know anything about jason, all she says is "u think for yourself". of which i suspect so that when things do go wrong, she can gloat over and say "see i told you all men are like that!".
if she dislike all men in general, why did she marry my dad in the first place? how could she marry someone just because he abides to her orders and had a stable income? was there really no love? is having kids just a process to extract more money in the later years? why is there no trust and communication? and because of all the above, she neglects my dad's well being?
i think my dad has been a man that have truly done his best for the family. he worked so hard and spent so little time with the kids in order to provide the house, car and other necessities. he rarely indulge in himself but was suspected to have cheated. he listened and accepted all the insults and disrespect showered from the woman he shares a bed with. does he really deserve his life now just because of 1 mistake he did in the past? this, i am in no position to comment or change..
i think my mom enjoys gloating over the misfortunes women face. that way she can draw pity on herself and say that she suffers from the same fate. but how are they the same? dad never cheated on her. she blames her weight on having kids, but she never put as much effort in trying to lose weight. her kids (me and my sis) never cheated her money or left her - in fact we give her so much money each month she recieves more than my gross salary as a diploma grad. she has a comfortable house to live in - IMHO, 4 room flat for 3 members of the family is not small. she has cable tv to keep her company at home. and the only household chore she does at home is putting clothes in the washing machine and some ironing. Very Hard Life Meh?
i think i have developed my depression and drawing self-pity because she does it to herself when i think Me, as one of the subject under her psychological damage deserve it more. sigh, now i think i just hope to be able to kick that habitual depression to move ahead for my own sake, cos i think it's not healthy. but really, its easier said than done. this damage is deep within dad and myself. we deal with life by forgetting things ever happened, going about as everything is ok. when u have a mom that hurls insults and hurting words from time to time, and then next thing its like she never said such things before, u adapt and pretend nothing happened before - why make war when u can make peace by pretending nothing happened right?
i know i'm seemingly repeating myself over and over in my blog posts. what to do... i'm a very conflicting person. i have low self-esteem, i need alot of reassurance, yet i'm skeptical and i usually put my trust in the wrong things.
i need god.
Sunday, August 08, 2010 @10:09 PM
and it's done!
my eyes are alittle red.... but i've done lasik!
my vision seem alright, and i hope it just gets better. actually it really just feels like i'm still wearing contact lens. u know, that nagging sensation that you've worn the lens for too long and your eyes feel tired and dry? i feel that alot, especially when the wind blows too hard or when i'm at air-conditioned places for a long period of time.
must be the so called 'side-effects' of dry eyes after the surgery. i also see halos. actually, i would say my 'halo' is so big, there isn't any hole to justify it as a halo -_-" to give you an image of how i see street lights, instead of just the normal bright light, i see a blurred lantern.
yup, not a sharp bulb image, but a blurred big circle. if i'm not wrong, this should go away in either a few weeks, or a few months. well, as long as it goes away eventually, i have no qualms. :S
i still can't believe i've gone thru lasik. like, wow... once i recover i can wear make-up and put eyeliner and mascara!! i'd have to do someting about the 1 single eyelid i have, but i can finally look forward to dolling my eyes!
anyways, thank god everything went alright. thank god my parents have not reacted negatively to this, yet. thank god for the encouragement and emotional support from many. may it really be a worthwhile investment! gonna eat grass for the next 12 months man...
Thursday, August 05, 2010 @10:13 AM
to see or not to see
in less than 5 hrs, i think my lasik procedure will be done. o h m y g o d.
i think this is only starting to sink in and it will get worse. i'm so nervous!!
what in the world happened to me? i complain over contact lens in the past few months, attended my 1st seminar on the 16th july and after the eye eval test on 3rd august, here i am preparing to let lasers shoot my eyes. this is all really happening too quickly!
probably another thing that happened too quick was meeting qw at the lasik center on the day of my eye eval with jason. like, we probably wouldn't notice each other either had jason not called out. i know the world is small, but... life is just so full of coincidences huh?
actually i don't know how i should address and deal with it. pretend i don't know him? act like nothing ever happened? confrontation? actually there isn't anything to confront. maybe thats how he feel as well so he's never spoken to me since. i never intended for things to be this way... but if u don't treat me as a friend anymore, why should i?
i wonder if jason feels insecure. i wonder if he thinks as much as i do. probably not, actually sometimes i feel more worried that he don't think as much. i really really really don't know how guys think la. -_-
perhaps i should just be glad that maybe jason trusts me and just don't have a habit of hu-si-luan-sianging. must learn to appreciate him more. mmm... havn't got his present yet. die.....
i do love my baby. pray to god things will work out somehow. someday.