feeling sad and hurt. i could have, and should have saw it coming, but probably didn't think it'd be that bad. guess it's just the wierd thing about feelings. sometimes you may just think you know them all so well. but when it knocks at your doorstep, you're never spared any less from the pain. it comes as original as it always does. nomatter how many times it does.

but i'm okay. still here, still breathing, still crapping, still working, still surviving. despite the comfort i tried to seek, there's still the aching of something i just can't suppress or hide from. am i really doing whats right? i can't seem to recognise or acknowledge if theres' the feeling of doubts and regret. i don't know what to do. don't know how i'm supposed to react. though somehow i have the feeling i'm the cause of all this. and so what if i am?

i still can't really believe, can't trust. can't put my heart out in the open for anyone. maybe thats why so many things feels so superficial. and though some aren't, i can't really differentiate them anymore.

i feel so fustrated. yet, i'd rather just lock my heart away. my life's irony...

i'm so sorry. so sorry to put you thru all this. time and again. since then till now.

sometimes i wonder if the things i said were done through careful considerations, or just said in the spite of whatever mood i'm feeling. do they sound logical? or what am i doing?

i wish things could be simple though i know they can never be. i'm too afraid. all i can do, is listen to a song that portrays an imaginary world..

Endlessly
by B4-4
Late at night you call on the phone
We talk about the day
When you found out
He was cheating
You tell me that it hurts to the bone
To trust someone that way
To find that he was deceiving
And I know I've always
Just been a friend
But if you look my way
I'll make sure you never hurt again

Do you know I exist
Just to promise you this
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you answer my prayer
I'd cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be
Endlessly

I remember when you fell in love
I could not believe
That it was not with me
I sent a secret prayer up above
And put my heart away
So that you could be free
I know right now,
You're broken in two
But did you know my heart's been
Broken since the day I met you

Do you know I exist
Just to promise you this
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you answer my prayer
I'd cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you
And in my sweetest dream
You'd learn to put your faith in me
Endlessly

Sometimes the thing you need is the one thing
You can't see
If you put your faith in me
How beautiful you and I would be

Do you know I exist
Just to promise you this
Endlessly to be true to you
And if you answer my prayer
I'd cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you

i feel like quite a mess. my whole life seems like a mess. but i know almost everyone thinks the same way too. so i guess it's a little comfort to me that i'm not a nutcase.

you know they always say about taking control of your life cos it's short and you should live without regret and treasure every moment, every loved one. i seriously don't know why i'm having such difficulty doing such simple tasks. as much as i would like to tell myself that i'm not a failure, i pretty much feel so. these thoughts swirl around my head, but i know i'll slowly forget them. i'm stupidly trying to wish facts would dissolve. sigh.

and i miss so many people.. yet i don't dare to do a thing about it. i keep having flashbacks whenever i go out. everywhere is filled with memories. even sitting in the car while colin drove me to the mrt station brought back fragments of familiarity. am i the one who's wierd? but i just don't want to blow up my life and have so many people involved.. cos it somehow just seems tiring. i feel like i'm such a demanding and selfish person.

i still haven't straighten my thoughts. i wish i was more simple-minded. but that would make me naive and dumb. and being like that won't help me survive long. or is what i'm doing inflicting more damage? lol. i wonder if anyone would ever understand my posts. i'm just a person who thinks too much, act too little and allow those imaginative thoughts of mine to go in circles till infinity - which is when i forget all my philosophical explainations i have previously thought to counter my doubts and which leads to the same problem resurfacing over and over again. its a very vicious cycle. i have reason to believe that it might even one day be fatal.

i'm crapping.

will start working on the writeup tomorrow. or should i say later in the day? and there's the editing of the vetted application forms, and chasing li wen to send a mail to singapore sports council.

i'm feeling lazy again. the times left for slacking is coming to an end. sigh. 7 days till work starts. i'm still having trouble comprehanding this.

ah.. finally removed the piano piece and replaced it with robbie williams. as much as i liked the chorus, the beginning introduction always makes me tense. robbie williams is much more relaxing to listen to. i think i can listen to this over n over for some time. =)

got no inspiration to write. well, for both my blog and the write-up for sharu. i feel so bad putting it off for so long. better focus..

i still can't believe i'm getting lke 80 comic books after gyming with leigh later. goodness. i can just so imagine my mom strangling me, wringing my neck off. not sightly.

ok, back to work.

dead tired from work.
*oh my knees...*

and i'm feeling so physically n mentally exhausted tonight. but rich! haha, but all the money will be gone in a few hours later... well, at least my comics collection will rocket jump with a good number 80.

can't think of a writeup for sharu. so sleepy...

perhaps, not posting for so long is doing me harm. getting close to people always bring harm. pushing people away is also doing me harm. my parents? probably harm's origin. theres like no way to stay out of harms way.
the problem?

me.

Still
by Hillsong United

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
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[travel to taiwan/hk]
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[travel to japan]
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