i think i like this skin alot.. a change from chobits for awhile i guess ^^ but that doesn't mean i don't like chobits. somehow this looks abit more mature... and i'm swooning over the pic XD~ ok, juz joking.. haha, its just there cos it came with the skin and i haven't really made an effort to see if i can change it... since it really isn't that bad rite? i'm sure it'll still make other girls melt. hey, its a hunky bod no?

was in quite a low mood in the morning when my mom yacked at me for nothing important. well, at least, to me it didn't seem important. me, supposing the person who best know myself, have calculated the exact time to wake up to be able to make it in time to meet xue ting at the bus stop to get my guitar back. but no, my mom just cannot let my lie down for just 15 more minutes. sounds rather rebellious but i just washed up as fast as i could, changed and grabed a comic and keys before letting myself out. i could hear her screams as i locked the door.. and my neighbour looked at me.. was i supposed to be guilty?

then she shot me this dirty look when i walked back home, guitar slinged behind, proving that all her crap she had shouted was wrong. i'm just thankful she was in a car and my dad didn't stop it to let her yell any more than she already did. because of her, i didn't have any mood to go out and catch the wakeboarding world championships. well, thats partially the reason why i didn't wanna go out anyway.

its so weird about parents. or at least, my mom. i just don't understand how she can be so unreasonable. shout and scream. throw a tantrum like an overgrown kid (but its just menopause) and then sulk as she leaves the place in a mess, then come back, acting as if nothing had ever happened. its always something i have trouble adjusting to. really damaging my psychological well being. and one of the biggest issue i have is about a daughter who's not supposed to rebuke whatever thats thrown towards me. come on, if its wrong, why can't i say so? am i supposed to let a person scold me for something i've never done or said? its just pure unreasonableness for me to be unable to speak up for myself. if i'm in the wrong i would have nothing to say, so why can't parents listen since i do? sheesh, things never change around here...

ohh.. and happy halloween~ suddenly remembered the show i caught with leigh in the library.
time to head for bed.

haven't been updating my blog.. cos i'm lazy.. and i hope no one blames me.. then again, why aren't my holidays like proper holidays?? T-T i want a longer break. more time for myself. to sleep, eat and play... like a pig. i don't care if i grow alittle fatter. cos now it seems as though i'm losing weight in the holidays. how can you lose weight in the holidays?? i think i'm going mad.

maybe it's the responsibilities pouring in. and i've never been a big fan of the 'r' word.

i've also been having loads of thoughts to myself recently.. nice ones.. sad ones.. painful ones.. bewildered ones.. confusing ones.. they just mount up to a headache. jamie's going on medical leave and i have to cover him. i'm feeling some lack of confidence and i hope god will see me though.. but with all the memo submissions i have to see through, listening to what sam may probably say and the worst thing, is coping with priscilla m.i.a. i hope nothing more pours in. the last thing i need, is to be another organiser of an event.

then there's polyforum. the topics are just sooo big. general. political. boring. and i feel stupid trying to work hard about it when i don't see anyone else doing so. even jamie called me to just go there and anjoy myself. don't bother with the research.. which was what he and jia wei did in last year's polyforum. and i think i'll heed that advice.

i don't really know what kind of person i am. somehow i just can't evaluate myself. can't understand myself.. i wish i was a puppet of someone else instead. was rereading my comics, x clamp, and i wondered how my life would be like if it was all fordained and predestined. maybe i won't be working as hard. then again, since when did my hard work pay off? my results definately don't reflect as outstanding as all my friends seem to be doing.

i'm just plain. average. and a mess.

thoughts filling up my head, but i don't know what to say. shall just look forward to gyming tmr.

just came back from caleb's birthday party.. and my mom seems high over the crabs she had eaten earlier. somehow she's stressing to me how nice the crabs were.. and how much i missed it. kinda reminded me about what leigh told me over gym yesterday. well, its not like i had such a terrible time myself. maybe the food weren't as greast as ol' mom's cooking, but i was full before i got there anyway. had lunch with delong over at billy bombers at tm. and gosh, the food is good~~ haha, well i enjoyed it alot.. especially the cookies and cream milkshake, a must try!! oh, but thats provided if you're a sugar and cream lover like me~ ^^
ahh not to forget, the serving is huge.
and i mean huge.
i felt all the calories i lost over the weeks come back to me.

hmm.. more to come when i got to port dickson? uh oh...

omg, my parents are watching a show on bowling.
as in, a vcd on how to bowl.
advance version.
o.O
and its in chinese.
oh, and they're taking notes.
lol!
somehow i can't believe it.
is this how retired life is supposed to be?
yikes.

i'm off to bathe!

yes, its all some stupid bug that made me worry. now i think i fixed it.

i think.

at least i found something new that i dislike. haha, i think i'm weird..

i'm now working all alone in school so that i can leave for malaysia with a peace of mind. went gyming with leigh and watched a movie at the library with her too. wasn't the ones on my list i previously mentioned, but it was nice too. there was alot of singing, but i really liked the graphics most. to think that such an old show would have such effects. i remember seeing the laser disc in video shops. that was when vcds were real expensive and dvds wasn't created! oh yea, in case you're wondering, the show was the night before christmas. felt pretty tired after one show, so thats all for some movie marathon i planned.. well, i also had work to do.

finished half only to realise that its getting dark and there's only one guy next door in community service club aka csc also doing work. i thought it was quite scary when he talked on the phone and i could hear exactly what he was saying even though there's a wall between us. haha, i almost wanted to yell for him to quieten down. went frantically searching for music to play instead. haha, but i couldn't find any.. so i had to resort to fixing whatever the bug is thats been distrupting my music from being played.

well, the surprising thing that soon happened after was that the guy next door went out, and got locked out since the techinical guy locked the doors. its such a way that u can go out without trouble, but the door auto locks and you can only open from within. he had to knock on my room window and make signs to ask me to open the door for him. of course i opened.. and guess what? he went out to buy a drink for me! so thoughtful, i was really touched.. haha, no wonder he's in csc. okay, its back to work for me so i'll be able to head home.

went back to school again for a briefing about the trip to malaysia. it was good seeing leigh and everyone i know again. i even had some strawberry coated with dark chocolate kebabs made by brian. it was bitter.. but still a nice treat. wasn't long before i got infected by leigh's excitement about the trip.. and i really can't wait. it's the holiday i've been wanting for all my life.


haha, then i made a trip to the library, and i saw some movies in the media resource section that i had wanted to watch a really long time ago. all the dvds were already used. shall make an early trip on friday and watch all of them! movie marathon treat. here's what i wanna watch:
1. romeo and juliet (the one acted by leonardo decaprio and ... claire danes i think)
2. the trueman show
oh darn, i forgot the third one.. oh well.. no biggie, i'll just browse again on friday.

i need a strawberry lolipop.

i never thought, that things would be this way. seems that pms struck at its best and i'm left somewhere alone. and in pain. but it doesn't matter now. it just hurts, recalling the memory that i had been so happy. smiling from ear to ear.. and couple of hours later i had tears flow down my cheeks. and they weren't tears of joy. i sobbed myself to sleep that night. i even forgot to turn the lights of my room off. i was that tired. and couldn't care less.

night came and went. and it seems my mom's showing signs of irritation too. no idea how, but i guess i triggered her irratation again, somehow. i'm tired of pleasing her. i don't even want her to make me happy. cos she can't. so she can very well save the effort.. and just leave me alone. yes, its a good time to get some rest. there's only two people innocent from all this.

ahh yes.. sitting in front of my computer when i very well know i should be at my study sanctuary. but my parents aren't home.. and i'm pretty rather jumping with glee. no mama = no control. so here i am! now ain't that simple logic? ^^

ok, so the guilt is creeping in.. i very well know close to nuts about the subject despite being subjected to study it for the past 5 months. its just not my forte. makes me kind of wonder what it would be like if i had went with course of interactive media design.. i'd definately learn more drawing techniques.. and colouring.. buying all those pens and markers and drawing materials. gosh, i feel excited. but yea, its something i enjoy and i wouldn't want to pressed with pressure to draw. maybe if only there was more time in a day....

i'm just not thinking straight now.

got this sudden urge to read my collection of comics. arghz. persevere!! just less than 24 hours before its all over. and then i'll have to start work. man.. i wish i was rich. it's so weird to feel this way when i know i'm not really that poor because my parents aren't so. but they have instilled in me such an illusion that we are very poor. maybe to a certain extent i would agree with both of them retired and all, we're pretty much living on the retirement fund my dad got and their savings. so we aren't really rich and all the more i should be going out to work and earning my own allowance for myself. would this mean i have to earn my own school fees in order to go abroad if i want to persue my further studies in australia? though the sound of such independence brings a light spark to my eye, i feel small to be exposed to the world so fast. its alittle intimidating, and i feel unprepared.

mom always told me never to rely on others. that i have to be able to sustain myself. that i don't have to get married. that man is like an evil species. okay, so maybe i exaggerated on the evil species term, but its the only word i can think of right now to describe how she seem to have felt about it. she resents men. my dad, my brother-in-law, my uncles and all. pity my sister didn't give birth to a baby boy. i think mom's head is all gal power and she's like trying to pass on the baton to me.

and i'm such a rebellist. i have never much liked the way she does things. never understood how she could be so unreasonable. and live the life she had for so long to tell me all this crap. and yet, she's slowly but steadily influencing me. when i was young.. and everyone was talking about their ambitions, i didn't want to be a doctor, or lawyer or teacher at all.. just a loving housewife. with a nice place to call home and a couple of kids and a loving husband. and my was so many people stunned to hear what i said. and now i know why. why my mother had stressed on independence. why my ambition can only be a dream like so many others..

life's like that.

it kinda feels like the holidays now.. but there's still one last paper to go. one paper that i'm totally clueless about. hospitality marketing..

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a RPIT--Reserved Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Love Geek. Heh heh -- you love geek! You are weirdly sexy. It doesn't take people a long time to get to know you, but people *think* it takes a long time, because you are as cool and regulated after a year as you are on a first meeting. You don't tend to date casually -- you just suddenly find yourself in long term relationships.

Your approach to conflict is your greatest asset -- it complements almost every other type. You don't express yourself or your feelings in dramatic terms, but you will speak up to those who do. You are generally calm, but capable of ramping up, and you don't give up until the issue is resolved -- this means even the hottest temper or coolest conflict-avoider can feel comfortable pursuing their satisfaction with you. And you don't hold a grudge -- you get through it, and it's done. You rock.

Sure, you like the sex. And you communicate with your partner well, so you're good at it. But it's not something you would make jokes about or bring up in polite company (not that you don't appreciate that kind of humor). You're no prude, but that's just not your style. You'd make an excellent parent.

You enjoy food and can be a ravenous eater. A good cook will get your attention quickly.

Of the 120922 people who have taken this quiz, 5.3 % are this type.

take the quiz +here+

well, i just thought it sounds rather interesting...

accounts was good.. except for the part that i couldn't finish it.. knowing that i can.. it's all the more painful and full of regrets for me i guess. but it's gone too. over and done with, its time to look forward to the next paper.

applied research.

i still feel rather clueless what the subject is about. not to mention the feeling of being huanted by ms zhang wei. the author of my textbook and also my lecturer cum tutor. her english accent is unforgetable. not to mention un-understandable. put in laymans terms, its simply horrid. i can't understand a thing she says and now i have to go through a two hour paper for this? arghz. i can only pray.

didn't know i'd get such a wake up call from such a friend really. i was just feeling stressed.. will definately ponder about it. though not now. my exams beckons. and even if i die tomorrow i still need to concentrate today for my fate lies in the hands of those few sheets of a4 sized photocopied paper (no not literally, but indirectly so, so i'm not really serious here) yes yes.. i'd better be off the com.

i had promised myself that i would never sit in front of it till my exams are over. no internet or msn or ro till my papers are done. but here i am. blogging. chatting. joking with christopher.

and i don't regret it.. rather, i'd thank god for it. i feel blessed. =)

and i feel so unprepared, i feel so insecure and i just want to curl up under my blankets and hide in my room. i don't know whats going through my mind and head cos everything seems os jumbled up and messy and unorganised and i feel afraid that i can't remember a thing come tomorrow morning and i'll be just sitting there at the examination hall, stoning and wriggling to death seeing my paper on the desk before me. i might as well just die now. arghz, now there's the fustration and the sense of helplessness that is all so familiar to me somehow. i know i just have to sit down and study but i feel like a kid cos i know every cell in my body is screaming that i don't want to. i love accounts. i like doing maths and playing with figures but i just can't seem to remember anything. i hate theory. i hate stress. i hate whoever it is that put so much books in the library at the reference sector cos i love the fictions so don't touch em. ok so i guess i'm not sounding very logical now. this happens when the exams are drawing near, yeah i guess it always happen somehow. and i get real jittery and nervous about something i cannot change. its forteen hours to my first paper. clock's still ticking. everything is counting down. and my mind is still going haywire. i want to play. i really do want to play so bad. but i know i can't. and my mind's telling me not to do so. but my mind is weak and i'm really losing control of myself. sheesh this is only 5 days with four papers. i can't believe i'm not able to control myself. and i have to resort to crapping and crapping in here. i don't want anyone else to know. i'm not strong. i'm not optimistic. i'm not good at anything. i don't know what my heart feels and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i'm cold and stony and weird and i can't believe i thought this is normal. i feel so fake and not true to myself in front of anyone. i can't make proper friends and save the friendships i have lost. and even when i so want to, even when i hear god telling me to, i ignore him and just stop myself from stepping forward to say i'm sorry. but there are also the people who take advantage of me and step all over me and act so darn freakin fake infront of me and i know because i don't have to be some psychologist holding some high degree or what masters to know that you're being fake. but then again what would you do if you don't like somebody. in this world if you don't have friends i guess you could still live on and try to carry on with whatever a like you had. but if everyone hates you and you know they hate you because they told you so then what would you do? i don't know so i want to know. and there's so many other things that i want to know but i can't ask god directly and he can't answer me directly. maybe he would when i die and make it to heaven. sometimes i don't even know if christianity is what i think it is. there's like so many different interpretations am i being taught the right one? who can correct me if i'm wrong? see i'm asking questions that will not get me any answers again. yes, tomorrow will be better. i pray and hope and try to convince myself to believe so . cos i really want it to be so. and thats all there is to my life. study and worry about tomorrow. and when the exams are over, try to continue with my so called like while wondering how i might survive in future and pondering how my death would be like when i reach the end of it. i'm really crapping. crapping up things that are in my heart but i have never said. maybe i never will. and i'm still searching for that someone that can share this thought with me. someone i'm unsure of it's existence. and maybe i've met that someone, and never realised it. i'm growing old and speechless. not all enough to be full of wrinkles but old enough to think so much i can scare myself. and knowing so much i shouldn't say makes too many things i've thought of bundled inside. it's supposed to be just a thought, but it has somehow grown so much it's almost lika a chain i'm dragging from prison. heavy and lifeless. and my life is being dragged down by it. i don't dare to speak. i don't dare to love. i don't dare to do anything. i don't have a life.

kyasarin
a simple girl with a complex mind. someone that worries too much about all things valid and invalid. foodie, japie, cutie & alcoholic. nuff said.
my birthday falls on 28th of june! :)


[new home]
[new silver watch]
[fuji instax mini 25]
[travel to taiwan/hk]
[travel to hawaii]
[travel to maldives]
[travel to japan]
[travel to europe]

+adeline+
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+verna+
+yi ling+

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