Heartfelt...

bye bye blogger

2011-12-12T22:32:00.002+08:00

as the end of the year 2011 draws near, so does the end of this blog.

yes, after almost 7 years of ~~irregular~~ postings in this blogspot, i'm moving on. just like how i move on to different phases of my life (i think).

from an uber depressed me - brokenwings @ xanga
to a confused opti-pessimist - dreamywings @ blogspot
to now.... enithcera @ wordpress!

hopefully, to discover and be a normal girl.

hah, i've got a whole head full of arguments on why i am/ am not normal. actually, the main motive for moving is because wordpress has a free app on the iphone whereas for access to blogger, it's a paid app. i'm such a scrooge! LOL. so there, goodbye, so long and ciao blogger~!

perhaps the craziest and longest post

2011-11-03T15:41:00.002+08:00

i'm in a very pms-y mood lately.. so much so that even chocolates can't seem to cheer me much. no, not even shopping. *gasp*

sigh. i'm just so tired. so moody. so... god-damn-can't-be-bothered-with-life mode. it's also getting on my nerves coz i'm not being as efficient as i can be at work. which might also further translate to me possibly working late tonight. as much as i don't want to. :(

seriously, who would think working late everyday is fun?? if i could, of course i'd wanna go home and rest. i feel responsible for certain things that must be done and hence, i must finish up before i leave geddit? so stop saying 'you can just do it tomorrow' - coz if i could, i would! duh..

i'm so mean right. sometimes i say it out, sometimes i don't cos i know it'll hurt the party listening. so if not provoked, you won't hear anything mean coming out from me. but if u instigate, you'll get to hear all the hurtful things i'm capable of saying. and if you don't have the aptitude to take it, don't risk it. at some point, i felt that i was close to hitting jason's limit on this. but i'm still indignant.

are we seeing each other too much? like how if you always spend time with someone, sooner or later there's bound to be friction. all these make me reflect about our relationship. issit good? issit going well? when does it suck? do i feel dread?

it's crazy. it drives me crazy. so much so that i avoid and not think about it. but by avoiding i'm not facing the problem. and then when it hits me, i just get depressed all over again.

happened to have a colleague who just proposed to his gf couple weeks back and he was sharing with me, his wedding photography package. to make him feel better, i shared mine with him and gave him some tips on how to save cost. not that i'm a guru.. just some basic stuff others have also told me about.. and then we started talking about wedding dinners, wedding rings, and the lot. i learnt a new lesson:

Al: she demanded that it has to be 0.75 carat

me: OMG, and you bought it?? *looks at my own finger*

Al: ya, she wants what.. what to do. then i did some research and...

me: wow... then what about wedding bands?

Al: haiz, talk about that, she say she only want Tiffany's..

me: OMG! thats gonna cost alot right?

Al: yea, about 4k+...

me: i really need to learn from your wife, i didn't know i could make demands like this!

***

after that, i had a conversation between the different sides of me.

practical cat: sigh, it's small isn't it? but it's just a stone.. no point waste money.

jealous cat: but don't u feel damn sad? everyone u met all got bigger lor.

resigned cat: what to do, he got no money..

practical cat: have a big stone but he don't care about u also no point ma. at least he cares and love u.. he bought the ring to the best of his ability liao.

angry cat: wah, got big stone then no love, got small stone then more love issit?? who say cannot have both??! no money, then propose so early for what? no planning!

practical cat: actually i sort of initiated.. housing must wait very long.. no proposal i probably won't want to start balloting..

loving cat: i'm sure he's working hard for our future.

angry cat: u really sure? i think u work harder then him lor! he got ambition anot? dun have then you die liao! life ahead will just get harder, u better think carefully or regret for life! u still consider young, still got chance to find nice suitors lor!

pessimistic cat: what if he change for the worse? now still young, of course love and care for u. when u're old and money all drained.. will just become an old hag. men can't be trusted.. just look at your 2 cousins.

loving cat: he's not like that, he's a thoughtful guy

worried cat: how ah? future looks so uncertain like that..

confused cat: gahhh.....!! i dunno la! think about this another time ba!

-end of convo-

Insomnia again

2011-10-19T12:24:00.001+08:00

Responsibilities are just one of the things that just grow with u as u age. I think today I'm just so close to reaching my breaking point. I just don't want to give a damn to any of it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

lazy weekend

2011-08-14T15:20:00.001+08:00

*wipes off some dust from blog*

been so busy, blogging just didn't fit into the schedule somehow. as for today, it's nice to be alone, to have more than half a day to myself (meeting jason for dinner in abit).

some little updates:
have left psb and now joined tisch for 2 weeks. lots of things i wanna do, so little time! not to mention the difficulty with attempting to complete all my work on a mac. the formats all look so different, there's no paint, no right clicks, no delete (u have to drag everything to the trash icon, so lehchey!). but generally the colleagues are nice and, how should i put it, i'm really still trying to adjust to everything i guess. its just so... different. can't put my finger to it.

next on, i've also selected a hdb unit! given my lousy number of 313 our of 338.. thankfully, almost 70 people ahead of me dropped out, so i still had the chance to select a unit on the 8th floor. not the most idea location, but i think u just have to make the best of what u've got. at least it's not the lowest level, or west-facing. so still overall quite happy with the unit. :)

also, mom didn't make much noise or objections about the whole affair (thank god), so i guess so far, all it well. i think.

moving on, i guess the next items to ponder over would be the wedding, savings and home reno ideas. and also, a new exercise regime... i think my belly is getting bigger :(

depressed again.

2011-07-12T11:45:00.002+08:00

today is the 1st time i'll be giving up my chance to select a unit from hdb. giving up, cos i don't wanna stay on the 2nd or 3rd floors that's next to the rubbish chutes.

n then there's the apprehension of facing this similiar dilemma in exactly 1 month's time for the parcvista bto. fked up system from mnd, hdb.. whatever. it's fked up.

or maybe it's some kind of sign from god. sometimes i really can't tell when i'm thinking sensibly and when i'm thinking too much. it makes me feel as if thinking too far ahead is wrong.. when it shouldn't. shall quote some wake-up calls from darren.. his takes on my concerns.

"its a huge responsibility, and many people do not realise that for issues like that. (on housing) they will greatly affect your spending habits. the prolonged pushing and initiative will wear you out over time, there is only that much you can do and after a while you will just wean out and slowly start to despair more and more" (damn spot on!)

"honestly this is up to you, you are 25, well, not too young, not too old, but more importantly u cannot make a decision in your relationships that will affect you long term, in the end also will end up with nothing. you are not thinking too much. we shouldn't conform to society, where this is thinking too much. this is sensible thinking, yes, this is not the norm, thus ppl always says its thinking too much. but however, the realities of society require you to think that much, failing so, please see yourself stuck in the rat race for another 40years and you would be 1 of those people queuing up outside singapore pools every mon wed thur and sat, hoping to get that big break. however what they dun realise is, although circumstances can force you into that state, taking charge and initiative will allow you to break out and do yourself some good."

this is exactly what i feel as well. but does he think that way? idk.
whats his plans for the future? idk.
his ambitions? idk.
what does he thinks about my religion? abt how important it is to me? idk.
why is he smoking? idk.

uncertainties are just killing me slowly right now.

bali oh bali

2011-06-13T21:11:00.003+08:00

i'm now 25! i got a new job!! i'm going bali this end september!!!! hopefully things can work out in my new job as i take this 5 day trip while still serving my probation! i wonder how i'll possibly cope taking so many days off, but heck.. i'm just happy i'll be able to go to this raved place. :)

and it'll be a new experience, with ee qing and cyinthia's company. 3 gals and just 1 guy... i think it shouldn't be too bad since they're both his poly mates. i should be more worried about myself. :s

next update: housing blues.

waterway terrace 2 - queue no. 544 out of 440 units. and there's less than 20 units that i like left. at the moment, as of this date.. there's probably still 160 people ahead of me that have a chance to choose a unit before it's my turn. no chance liao la :(

parcvista - queue no. 313 out of 338 units. FINALLY, after like what, 8 or 9 ballots?? I'm finally within 100% of flat supply. but this is such a freaking horrid number la.. 308 people ahead of me!! (currently only 5 dropouts) *SOBS*

why oh WHY is it so hard to be able to get the chance to choose a unit i like??? cannot give me 1 digit... cannot get 2 digit... at least give me a 100+ range can or not??? i see both number also want to cry.

have to keep praying. and also, pray that i won't get into trouble revealing where i'm going next! i view so many as friends, yet some i probably shouldn't tell selected few cos word might spread to unintended people! x_x (like how rumors of me leaving the company was going all around the company even before i tendered my resignation! seriously unbelievable!)

must stay positive, stay positive.

Love and sorrows

2011-05-11T00:38:00.001+08:00

Singing with 2 potential heartbreakees. Some of the songs bring tears, some vents frustration.. it's really nice there are such relatable songs!

In the midst of also thinking of love quotes (actually more of denial quotes), I came across this that I really liked.

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away..."

so true..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Bedok point Kbox

loving the silence

2011-05-06T15:02:00.003+08:00

my parents have left on holiday! peace at home..!

n i've got a starhub box, an ipad2, my laptop and loads of books to read.. i'm in heaven! i feel like i can just stay in here and die in peace.

Panadols n pms

2011-05-03T16:31:00.001+08:00

before I forget this nice suggestion from hung wei, I'm gonna make a note here on visiting perhentian someday. It's a beautiful beach that's less touristy as compared to redang.. n a cheaper alternative as compared to maldives. I think by the time I ever have the opportunity to visit the maldives, it would have sunken to be an underwater world, literally.

hung wei was also damn sweet to ask me if I'd like to tompang anything from france. I got rather excited n surfed the net... Only to realize after conversion n tax deduction.. a burberry is just too freaking expensive! for a wallet, I can buy an ipad2! needless to compare a bag..

someday, I'd like to think that I am working enough to afford it. (thinks of cyinthia n her $1900 prada bag) may they keep up those pretty designs till then.

for now, I'll just settle for a postcard souvenir from paris.. if he remembers to send one. no mood to work today.. feel like ju beat-ing or slacking at home to watch csi or criminal minds or ncys or white collar or bones. actually, I'm also excited that the new season of house will be showing soon! I love fox channel n fox crime~

am fairly positive today. credits to pink panadols n parents leaving for china soon.. yays.

Location:In the office

Probable clinical depression

2011-04-29T09:06:00.001+08:00

"I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left" - unknown author

N I'm starting to feel all the symptoms..
Constant sadness
Irritability
Hopelessness
Trouble sleeping
Low energy or fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
Significant weight change
Difficulty concentrating
Loss of interest in favorite activities

if u were me

2011-04-25T21:55:00.002+08:00

i'm so guilty to spill the beans about my sad life, which isn't so sad because jason is in it... which makes me more depressed because it will get worse.

i find it so tough convincing myself that things will get better, by trying to forget the problem and praying that god will make a way. but that's alittle one sided because jason believes theres a god, but he's not sure which god is real so he respects all.

yes i have a problem with security. any girl in a serious relationship contemplating marriage or have already agreed to it would too. otherwise, feel free to drop me a comment in my chatbox if you are fine with embarking on a lifelong commitment without any sense of financial security. seriously.

i guess i'm just a really bad person. i don't want to sign my life into more financial debt then i already am in. as if 1 blood-sucking parent ain't enough.. right?

well his family is worse. of course he is doing the right thing and i wouldn't expect otherwise. hence i'm just always stressed out. well not always, but everytime i get back to reality.. which is often enough.

am i too practical? too materialistic? i didn't think i was... but it's really bothering me. so perhaps i am. after living on the edge for over 20 years, thanks to my parents, i know how important it is to have money. i am not going to sign my life into living on edge for the remaining years of my life. getting married was initially thought as one my escape out of my family, besides finding and being truly loved. but without spiritual life, without financial stability, just words and some actions that you love me now... is just not enough.

ironically i still had hopes on balloting for a flat to call our own. its so clear that i'm not ready for all this... how can i still have such doubts? i feel like i need a good break to sort myself out, before this give me a mental meltdown. have already cried twice telling him my insecurities and there wasn't and can never be an answer. besides taking a loan or striking toto. i would love to know who might take comfort in hearing this.

someday these sites might come in handy, for now it's just for friends who really are getting married soon.
http://www.goldenhappiness.com.sg/
http://photobooksingapore.com/

testing my patience

2011-04-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

my resume update is.. almost completed. but frankly? i don't know if its really is time for me to go. i really need the $$, but it somehow seems unethical. i need some guidance and directions. must pray. must pray. must pray.

Simple but not

2011-04-07T00:43:00.001+08:00

Pms can be a really horrible thing. U'll feel emotional. Filled with doubts. Paranoia. Depressed. and so much more but they're just different words that means the same as what I just said above.

好讨厌这种感觉...

还是脑空空最好.

promotion

2011-04-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

i got a promotion today. i also found out that the performance bonus is.. darn low. like, what was all that exercise of rating my performance for anyway? thank you for the recognition, thank you for the nice score... so where's my money???? sigh, time to look for a job with better prospects.

Questions

2011-03-31T00:15:00.001+08:00

Should I stay or change my job?
Should I get an MBA?
Should I ask him to join me for RCIA?
Should I think about marriage?

I wish I could get some direct answers. And then suddenly I'm reminded that I should pray.

Why do I always forget? Haha.. Pray n off to bed..

- me0wing 0n the g0

2011-03-19T12:47:00.001+08:00

have finally jailbroken my phone n I can now post on the go thru an app! :)

hopefully that means more posts, more updates, n a less complicated me..

Location:Robin Rd,Singapore,Singapore

what's happiness?

2011-03-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

from dictionary.com under word origins & history, happiness means "pleasant and contented mental state"

are u happy? will u be happy committing to spend the rest of our lives together?

thinking about that, i keep feeling that all this whole 'getting married' notion brings about so much stress.. i don't really feel happy getting married. i guess we're both not very enthusiastic.. i mean, who would be? when there's so much burden involved. the finances itself is.. quite depressing enough.

maybe i'm asking the wrong question. for a fact i know, getting married doesn't equate to happiness. i'm just wondering, how the both of us can be happier.. & if its possible to sustain that. hmm..

helpful link

2011-01-06T18:32:00.002+08:00

even though i'm still in office, i thought to save this link before i lose or forget it. very nice and helpful for those interested in holding your wedding soon! ok, not really that soon.. probably if you're expecting to do it in 2 yrs kind of soon.. like me ;p

http://woyaojiehunle.blogspot.com/2008/02/time-checklist-for-wedding-preparation.html

an engagement

2010-12-29T22:59:00.003+08:00

quite a late post, i know. but i've been busy! but in any case here is is... the true accounts of what happened last christmas.. :)

morning, it was sleep and sleep to our hearts content before setting out to MOF for brunch. then we headed to marina square because he wanted to check out a sale. feeling contented with his prize, we then headed to max brenners for choc waffle. was so afraid i wiouldn't get to eat it because there was a drizzle, but thankfully that cleared up and we went!

i must say they've really gotten better than the last time i had it... the standards are really getting close to the last one i had in melbourne. now i don't have to fly there for good choc waffles!! :D

so yea, next we headed to one fullerton to 'walk walk'. i was pretty suspicious, but i went ahead. u can't imagine the number of tourists crowding around the merlion..! seriously, i think we were the only singaporeans around that area then. walking ahead (there's nothing much to see at one fullerton on a public holiday afternoon) we headed to boat quay.

on the way i thought i spotted daryl and ah hong - jason's 2 besties. but he dismissed it. i was then planted right in the middle of the bridge where he excused himself to the toilet. i think my suspicion level was really to the max! but i really didn't know how things would enfold... so i wait. and in the meantime spotting the guy that i thought look like daryl, taking photos

while waiting, i also noticed a guy taking a video cam fliming around. thats normal.. but after a few mins, you start wondering.. is there really so much to flim around here?? but before i could dwell further in my thoughts, some random guy came up to me and gave me a rose. he said 'someone asked me to pass this to u'. it was a pleasant surprise! but where's jason?

mystified, i looked around and caught the guy fliming me... but i really don't know him!? so i was getting alittle annoyed, yet, still happy with recieving the rose... yeah conflicting moods can co-exist in me haa...

then a couple came up to me and wished me 'merry christmas'. 3 roses now! and this time, daryl steps out to take a pic of me. haa... i don't remember if i was asking where's jason or whats going on, but daryl also shrugged and said he don't know, then left.. leaving me back on the bridge by myself... and the 3 rose.

then i finally spotted where the random people were selected.. ah hong was convincing 2 girls! hur hur... they came up to me and said 'happy anniversary' and followed by a group of ang mohs.. who really couldn't hide the rose from me, but u can see that they tried. they said 'congrats!' and one guy said 'u're so beautiful! let me give u a kiss' and he was already drawing close to me. thankfully, he was going to my cheeks, u know like the french kind where u kiss both sides but to the air? *phew* what a diverse group of random people leh.. must give ah hong some credit at choosing people.

the final and cutest was this little girl that came one hand with daddy, and another holding the rose. super sweet can... but then my bag fell and maybe that scared her abit and her dad had to take over to hand it to me instead. now that i had 9... the lead guy finally comes out with a huge bouquet! and after that, everything just happened so quick!

the knee, the ring and the words.. how could i say no? although i must admit i was very tempted to ask 'are u sure? are u sure?' there was a crowd that gathered when he came with the flowers and dropped on 1 knee.. some of them, were the people the passed me a rose too. so when i said yes, everyone was clapping.. i think partially led by ah hong. i think he made the most noise.. and started saying 'kiss kiss kiss!' abit paiseh... but it was really still a happy happy moment! :D

afterwards i was introduced to bernard, the guy who was video-ing the whole thing.. and i felt bad giving him my frowns when i thought he was fliming me by accident alittle too much. we had dinner at pasta fresca (unfortuantely, only i enjoyed the soup) and then we headed to get everyone drunk. the guys were drinking till 4 or 5am.. and the bill was really quite high! but well.. it's not like we do this often. :)

we all forget

2010-12-14T00:16:00.003+08:00

it's funny how answers come to you in the strangest forms. how i remember the things i've known all along but have forgotton.. cos my mind have just been shrouded by other clouds of thought.

actually, seriously... i still feel very uncertain.

but life never was a path of certainty.

yes, i'm petrified of the thought of how things can possibly change. u can't imgine how unlimited my imagination extends! haha..

but all i can do, is remember that god will make a way. keep praying, & keep having faith in him.

i've got to tell myself to remember that life is full of simple things that can make me happy. like the joy of turning capsules to get my ham ham. the contentment of eating crab, sushi, chocs & ice cream whenever. the assurance & security that i can always depend & trust u in times of need.. and take comfort from your hugs to remember that i'm loved.

what makes u happy? how do u know that i'm the one? will u still be happy with me... 20 yrs down the road? are u... intimidated by my expectations?

perhaps i'm doing alittle too much self reflection.
*heaves a deep sigh*

sleep sleep.

feeling lame

2010-12-09T22:51:00.002+08:00

i can't stop the mr brown song playing in my head.. he had this funny remix version about the haze but i tweeked this thanks to their inspiration:

i got a fweeling, that i'm gonna get an ulcer
that i'm gonna get an ulcer
that i'm gonna get an ow ulcer~ oh fweeling!

:( i don't know if it's cos i just visited the dentist recently & my teeth are shifting again, hence the increased abrasion. can't wait to be done, just a few more months to go!! yess~

thoughts

2010-12-06T21:09:00.002+08:00

things aren't really so bad. maybe it just seems alil more horrid cos i usually blog about things i'm unhappy with here. like, 90% of the time.

at the moment, i'm feeling rather apprehensive. if it wasn't cos kel reminded me earlier, i really kinda forgot that he might be proposing soon. somewhere inside me thinks that it won't happen actually.. hence i've been putting that thought aside as well. but what if it does?

i haven't figured out my answer. well, not entirely.

i do love him. and we all have shortfalls, some more undesirable then others.. but in marriage, perhaps its looking beyond love and acceptance. it's about families coming together, more household chores, higher financial liability, greater expectations, accepting a religion, putting up with more of each other. am i ready for that? i don't know.

is he ready for that? i don't know.

hence if u ask me about how i feel about all this, i really don't know. it really wouldn't be fair of me to say 'i think i know he will support me' or 'i'm sure we'll walk through all these together' because it just seems like assumptions... put it this way, what if he's not prepared or he ain't even ready for all this crap?

i know i'm a huge ball of emo-tism. i can get along fine with people. relationships are fun & they'll work for awhile... until i go haywire. so far, jason is one of the most tolerant & able to handle my crankiness. & i haven't even started on my parents!

so we're good together. understanding that even if a guy doesn't convert, or even if he does... a guy can still betray u... so i'm choosing to believe that deep down, he's as good as he seems to be. (that said, i hope he sees my flaws & still thinks my good somehow outweighs everthing as well)

and i think our biggest issue, is some financial challenge... *sigh* i need some kind of breakthrough.

please continue to leave me alone

2010-11-27T20:07:00.003+08:00

ask yourself how would u feel, if u needed some help and i told u: "i'm sorry i'm gonna continue drinking with my friends". even after telling u my concerns over catching a cab, u say: "so u're gonna take a cab home right? u can take a cab urself right?" right. ask yourself how would u feel if u said: "u'd rather meet people u don't know to drink instead of meet me?" & i said yes.

then afterwards u explain that it was all cos of kelvin's girl.

well excuse me for getting alittle upset, while you have no idea what went wrong. thats right, continue playing ur ps3. who needs u anyway?

well, just please remember to don't get upset when it happens to u ya. oh wait, u might think it'll never happen to u anyway. u don't get upset over such petty things. i'm just hormonal right now cos my period is coming in a week's time. yea, best to leave me alone & stay away.

please do that and don't irritate me over the next few weeks. thanks. i really like the peace & quiet without u.

need a break or maybe just some shopping

2010-11-27T11:58:00.004+08:00

they say, whatever you believe you are capable of, is what you are capable of. When you haven't done something before you will easily find all the reasons why you can't do it.

it's true.

i feel like crap now and i have dozens of ideas of how to make everything worse.

been awhile

2010-11-18T22:28:00.003+08:00

have been staring at the screen for quite awhile now, wondering what to type after going mia (again) for almost a month (as if it has never been longer before).

but i thought it'd be interesting to remember this conversation i had with vincent (my current boss) a few hours back.

"set expectations right with your boy. what i say to you, i will say to him too. because if you don't then when things change, you'll be disappointed"

well it isn't exactly word for word, but thats the gist of it that i remembered. so here goes...

my expectations
i'm a romantic. i don't digg romance movies or novels all the time, but i like it when it happens to me, cos it's a declaration of how much you care to show it to me. it doesn't have to happen all the time, but i do appreciate some surprises and sweet gestures... so i guess all the more i do expect some effort... in the proposal. i can't help but agree, because the more 'qin cai' you start to get, the more you'll get taken for granted. so i hope it won't happen...

i'm not your mom. i like my place clean and neat but i know it's not easy to maintain so it takes effort from both sides. i'm not a full time housekeeper or maid. unfortunately i also can't cook as well as your mom. i can cook, but its rather limited. u've been warned...

i don't expect to be a tai tai. of course, i dream about it (every financially poor girl does!) but even if it might not be possible... at least i hope u're making an effort to bring in as much dough as you can. it really works both ways. cos when u have the dough to pamper me, i'll pamper u back. making me feel guilty about the purchases would just bring all happiness level down to zero. now u know.

health matters. if u're sick, then who's gonna take care of me when i'm sick? wait, we're in our 20s... how can we both be sick?! so please, eat moderately, excercise and keep fit... because by the time you realise it's too late, it probably is.

hmm.. at the moment thats all i can think of. i'm sure there should be more, but i'll leave that to another time. sleep calls.

sleep deprived.

2010-10-28T21:15:00.002+08:00

all day today, i've been feeling rather depressed. not even the sudden visit by jason with a cup of koi brought up my mood much. i guess it seems pretty serious. but i'm not sure.

perhaps its the lack of sleep?

suddenly want to be left totally alone for awhile.. just hiding in my room all day, lying on my bed. i want to move out to a new house, start anew and live on my own. no need to humour people, worry about people, think about people, or care about anyone.

and then die alone peacefully. i think the probability that i might die of a disease is the highest, but i pray against all odds that i'd die an unpainful death.

it's probably just an excuse to run away from my problems. the easy way out. but i wish i could just die right now and be freed from my pain. sometimes too much sorrow is just too hard to bear.

perhaps i'm better off single. that way i wouldn't have to worry about infecting him with my depression. sometimes i don't know if i'm driving myself crazy, or driving the people around me crazy. i feel horrible. i don't feel strong enough to carry on. i hate myself.

i wish i had some sleeping pills. think i really need some sleep.

busy day

2010-10-04T21:08:00.003+08:00

today i was packed at work. so packed time literally flew so fast, i lost my logical grasp of sensing the time. i couldn't even finish my work by the time the day ended.

anyways, the main point, is that i just wanted to blog about yesterday.

how should i start..

i had an idea about marriage. u know, with everyone all tying the knot here, there, everywhere... i was envious and i knew its all hormones talking. seeing no response from my significant other i was a moody and often sulking pie. that, plus my concerns over religion and finances... i knew for a logical, reasonable fact - that i was not ready for marriage.

then, by god's blessing, maybe even message.. i wanted to get engaged. and then! just yesterday... a beautiful ring was bought! i never expected this to happen that quick, never thought i'd really get to pick a ring, never thought it'd be so fast!

and then suddenly i.. or should i say we.. didn't realise the importance or significance of engagement. so erm... whats the proper procedure ah? does that mean we're married? will there be another proposal? is this official? do i have to change my status? suddenly i felt a truckload of questions in my face.

all i know, is that my jie jie say, don't wear the ring!!

as much as it looks so prettily at me, calling me to "wear me! wear me!" i must resist. despite the logical fact that it's already bought, don't wear like very wasted, i must resist. yes i keep telling myself every time i enter my room and see my drawer that now stores the ring. @_@

but wait, this is actually a really good opportunity. this might sound strange, but after speaking to a few colleagues, it suddenly dawn on me the seriousness of this whole affair. i wonder if jason feels that way. hmmm...

but yea, its like announcing to the world that "hands off" this woman/man is reserved. its as good as a commitment to marriage; just without signing the paper yet. marriage leh. dun play play...

so, since he hasn't made an official proposal (asking this in bed just before we sleep, asking over a cup of KOI doesn't count), i shall not wear the ring... see i'm so nice, never make him buy 1 more and just treat this one as a present! kekeke.. perhaps it is a good time for both of us to really think about our future together. maybe its too scary and he wants to back out! the ring got 7 day refund policy (so after 7 days the ring confirm will be mine liao - marry or no marry! wahahahaha).

i think we're really quite cute sometimes.. haha :p

small thoughts

2010-09-27T22:36:00.003+08:00

i love my daddy. he has been taken for granted on so many occassions but he is always there, offering that pillar of support he's able to provide. he never asks for anything much in return, he is more genuinely concern of people and he's reasonable, although he does nag alittle here and there.

i really hope we'll be able to work something out with our finances. we as in me, my sis and my dad, since my mom took all 'their' money and since she is not someone reasonable to talk over money matters.

if only mom wasn't around to make life so difficult.

someday if mom ain't around anymore, i wouldn't mind taking care of my dad. i wonder how will life be like 10 yrs from now...

random

2010-08-25T23:35:00.000+08:00

cramps!!!!!!!!

nuff said :(

going out

2010-08-15T11:28:00.003+08:00

i really do like staying home in my room. it's the 2nd place i spend most of my time in, aside from my office.

but it really gets to me when jason's not around, my mom pops by ever so often to update me on things i don't want to know. probably sensing my irritation, she would always end her 'intruding' trips with a remark of how i should be careful of guys.

sometimes i don't know whether she is genuinely concerned over me and my relationship with jason, whether she just dislike all men in general or that she's gloating over the misfortunes of my relatives and other women in general.

i doubt she is genuinely concerned over my relationship, because despite the help jason sometimes renders around the house, it is not fully appreciated. it's like, thank you today, forgot everything tomorrow. she doesn't want to know anything about jason, all she says is "u think for yourself". of which i suspect so that when things do go wrong, she can gloat over and say "see i told you all men are like that!".

if she dislike all men in general, why did she marry my dad in the first place? how could she marry someone just because he abides to her orders and had a stable income? was there really no love? is having kids just a process to extract more money in the later years? why is there no trust and communication? and because of all the above, she neglects my dad's well being?

i think my dad has been a man that have truly done his best for the family. he worked so hard and spent so little time with the kids in order to provide the house, car and other necessities. he rarely indulge in himself but was suspected to have cheated. he listened and accepted all the insults and disrespect showered from the woman he shares a bed with. does he really deserve his life now just because of 1 mistake he did in the past? this, i am in no position to comment or change..

i think my mom enjoys gloating over the misfortunes women face. that way she can draw pity on herself and say that she suffers from the same fate. but how are they the same? dad never cheated on her. she blames her weight on having kids, but she never put as much effort in trying to lose weight. her kids (me and my sis) never cheated her money or left her - in fact we give her so much money each month she recieves more than my gross salary as a diploma grad. she has a comfortable house to live in - IMHO, 4 room flat for 3 members of the family is not small. she has cable tv to keep her company at home. and the only household chore she does at home is putting clothes in the washing machine and some ironing. Very Hard Life Meh?

i think i have developed my depression and drawing self-pity because she does it to herself when i think Me, as one of the subject under her psychological damage deserve it more. sigh, now i think i just hope to be able to kick that habitual depression to move ahead for my own sake, cos i think it's not healthy. but really, its easier said than done. this damage is deep within dad and myself. we deal with life by forgetting things ever happened, going about as everything is ok. when u have a mom that hurls insults and hurting words from time to time, and then next thing its like she never said such things before, u adapt and pretend nothing happened before - why make war when u can make peace by pretending nothing happened right?

i know i'm seemingly repeating myself over and over in my blog posts. what to do... i'm a very conflicting person. i have low self-esteem, i need alot of reassurance, yet i'm skeptical and i usually put my trust in the wrong things.

i need god.

and it's done!

2010-08-08T22:09:00.002+08:00

my eyes are alittle red.... but i've done lasik!

my vision seem alright, and i hope it just gets better. actually it really just feels like i'm still wearing contact lens. u know, that nagging sensation that you've worn the lens for too long and your eyes feel tired and dry? i feel that alot, especially when the wind blows too hard or when i'm at air-conditioned places for a long period of time.

must be the so called 'side-effects' of dry eyes after the surgery. i also see halos. actually, i would say my 'halo' is so big, there isn't any hole to justify it as a halo -_-" to give you an image of how i see street lights, instead of just the normal bright light, i see a blurred lantern.

yup, not a sharp bulb image, but a blurred big circle. if i'm not wrong, this should go away in either a few weeks, or a few months. well, as long as it goes away eventually, i have no qualms. :S

i still can't believe i've gone thru lasik. like, wow... once i recover i can wear make-up and put eyeliner and mascara!! i'd have to do someting about the 1 single eyelid i have, but i can finally look forward to dolling my eyes!

anyways, thank god everything went alright. thank god my parents have not reacted negatively to this, yet. thank god for the encouragement and emotional support from many. may it really be a worthwhile investment! gonna eat grass for the next 12 months man...

to see or not to see

2010-08-05T10:13:00.002+08:00

in less than 5 hrs, i think my lasik procedure will be done. o h m y g o d.

i think this is only starting to sink in and it will get worse. i'm so nervous!!

what in the world happened to me? i complain over contact lens in the past few months, attended my 1st seminar on the 16th july and after the eye eval test on 3rd august, here i am preparing to let lasers shoot my eyes. this is all really happening too quickly!

probably another thing that happened too quick was meeting qw at the lasik center on the day of my eye eval with jason. like, we probably wouldn't notice each other either had jason not called out. i know the world is small, but... life is just so full of coincidences huh?

actually i don't know how i should address and deal with it. pretend i don't know him? act like nothing ever happened? confrontation? actually there isn't anything to confront. maybe thats how he feel as well so he's never spoken to me since. i never intended for things to be this way... but if u don't treat me as a friend anymore, why should i?

i wonder if jason feels insecure. i wonder if he thinks as much as i do. probably not, actually sometimes i feel more worried that he don't think as much. i really really really don't know how guys think la. -_-

perhaps i should just be glad that maybe jason trusts me and just don't have a habit of hu-si-luan-sianging. must learn to appreciate him more. mmm... havn't got his present yet. die.....

i do love my baby. pray to god things will work out somehow. someday.

just before i sleep...

2010-07-08T23:03:00.004+08:00

its not intentional but i seem to have gone on another hiatus even though i said i would reflect more, even though i got myself a brand new laptop. i haven't even been playing any games :(

work has been busy. pay no increase but workload always does. like, what else is new right? then when its not work, the remaining of my time is spent with jason or my family. and getting sleep. without sleep i just cannot function. almost resorted to coffee but everytime i think about how it might stain my teeth and i stand firm to go without it. 1 more year of braces to go.
*internally roots for self*

so anyway, summary of updates:

my birthday came and went. just a simple celebration, i'm thankful i had at least that much and i shall not blog about all the crap that happened at work while i was on leave for my birthday. i'm just glad thats over.

next, heard of the BTO project at punggol lately? the one thats all over the news and freakingly over-suscribed? well, we're one of the couples that applied too. within me, i'm not sure how to react, because jason doesn't have much reaction either. so i have been controlling the crazy me inside that is wondering all ten thousand questions... like is this really happening? what if we get the flat? are you serious about getting the flat? will you propose? will we have enough money? what am i going to say to my parents? have you told your parents? and SO MANY more. this is just to name a few ._.

i really can't help it!! which girl wouldn't be anxious and excited on this prospect? which girl wouldn't need reassurance and comfort that the chain of events are not an act of impulse but one that is thoughfully planned? i can only pray that time will tell. and perhaps when it does, it wouldn't be too late.

anyways, back to reflection... the world cup is coming to an end already. germany should win lor! :( spain really tyco! sigh, but cannot change what has already happened... i believe germany will be even better in the next world cup!! and by then i'll wear their jersey & support! :3

last but not least, i've been thinking about going for lasik. i'm very scared. so scared i try not to think about it. but strangely i think i feel more worried that i'm not suitable for the procedure. cos like if my eyes are not suitable, all hope is lost already. if my eyes are suitable, at least i have a choice whether to go or not to go for the op. i wouldn't feel pushed to this spot if it wasn't for the fact that my eyes have started to reject contact lens wear. thankfully i can still wear dailies but i don't want to be in this situation forever. i mean, its a good thing that my eyes reject contact lens too. that way i'm being 'forced' to make this decision sooner... and if i really get the procedure done, i'll enjoy being lens-free for more years before i get 'lau hua'.

cross my fingers, eyes and heart in the next few months to come. i need some luck, enlightenment and miracles. night world.

remember

2010-05-28T02:00:00.002+08:00

sometimes in life we got to remember to count our blessings.

like how lucky i am to be in sg, where there aren't any major natural disasters or terrorism. how lucky i am, to have a roof over my head, and even my own room. how lucky that i have a job with an understanding boss. how lucky i am, to have a nice sister. how lucky i am, to have jason.

sometimes in love, we tend to take alot of things for granted.

and having a day to myself, finally having the time to do the things i like, looking thru other's blogs... i realise how there are so many people i know, even good friends of mine, that are in sorrow. i surpressed the urge to call them.. cos i somehow feel so guilty that i wasn't there for them when they needed me most. wouldn't it be strange if i call them out of the blue now?

and so there is no better place to turn to, then going back to gaming. it numbs me and keeps me occupied. i've missed audi. feel utterly noob.. i feel like picking it up again.

night world.

bleeding hands

2010-05-17T20:44:00.003+08:00

oops its been like so long since i last posted.

well, its pretty much the same excuse really.. no time to sit down and think or remember what i wanted or would like to write about... i try to twit tho! its a cute app on the iphone. i'm so glad i've got an iphone :)

thank god for smart ass people and their kick ass inventions. someday i hope i'll have a smarty kid too. intelligent, but maybe not as weird as chew.

anyways, reason y i'm posting is also cos i have manicured hands and i thought i could waste alittle time before i risk it all and go shower. hopefully it will be thoroughly dry right after this post. which makes me wonder really, why did i pay an additional $3 for a "quick-dry" top coat and have my hands blown for 15mins and then told that i should wait another 20mins for it to be thoroughly dry... won't u feel conned? 35mins called quick-dry? -_-"

but thats not the worst of it. actually the shape ain't that great. the manicurist cut my skin so deep, it bled and now looks like a clot beside my nail. when i stared at it and looked at her, all she could say was sorry. my attempt at trying to hint to her to give me a more sincere or better apology failed when she looked at me and said "sorry, but don't worry i've sprayed anti-bacteria so u won't get an infection". sigh.

its my first and worst experience of getting a french manicure. should have just stuck to the norm. i should have asked more about the hand moisturizer. it was really good, now that my hands are not frozen and i can actually feel the texture of my hands. oh wells..

i'm glad this is the end of my disaster monday. feel like getting a haircut too. maybe tomorrow or in a couple of days... i hate how my hair looks and feels so damaged so i want to cut em all off! then i'll promise to never colour or cut them for a year~! sigh. i need some moral support and comfort that i won't get a disaster tuesday.

so hungry now.. got to look for food.

ouch

2010-04-26T22:10:00.003+08:00

i think i've been really clumsy lately. after complaining about getting shoved, knocked, wacked, jabbed, smashed, stepped and leaned on... i've concluded that it must somehow also be partially my fault for being unable to avoid all those nasty people's abuse.

i need to learn som qing gong from a master... like ip man! then can dodge all the freaking incoming attacks and wack the other people on the train far far.

...

as if that will really happen.

dentist appointment tomorrow and i've got this ultra huge ulcer in my mouth. sure kena jabbed tomorrow. actually, even if she dun jab it, i prolly will bite it myself. it's so painful, it can make your head dizzy for like 10 secs. but bo bian.. my muscles got no brain... anyhow anyhow, then become "Oooooooww".

wish me luck.

the horror

2010-04-18T20:55:00.006+08:00

i blew a hole in my pocket... now i don't know if i should be happy i didn't recieve my bonus before i went to phuket or if should i be worried that i wouldn't have been able to save much by the end of this year anyways.

maybe its the stress from work... or purely just the sheer joy of shopping because i have been deprived for too long. i'm running out of excuses... it was a damage of over $400 spent in just 2 days!

please let me recover from shock too...

...

but i really love the new clothes i have too! will post a pic of my laminated iphone too... someday. :P

here's the paranoma picture taken at patong beach that couldn't be uploaded in facebook. think it might be the size or poportion issue.

its a real touristy place - patong beach. u probably won't find much peace and quiet, but i felt it was still quite a nice holiday. i guess the hotel really contributed alot to that factor... mm... i miss the marriott breakfast already...

and i can't believe tomorrow's monday...! finally, the day we've worked so hard for, the day we've looked forward to, yet wish it didn't come at all... is finally here! i think i'm experincing a state of 'calm before the storm' kind of feeling... i have absolutely no idea how the audit will be like tomorrow. n that worries me. what booboo might they find? what kind of people are they like? what if things don't go on schedule? who is gonna bring them for lunch? what if the caterer forgets to come or come late? what if i oversleep tomorrow!!?

i better sleep now.

last but not least, i think this is the nicest picture of me throughout the whole phuket trip. despite my outbreak of cold sore, the sun is so bright, u can't really see it! :D
may there be more holidays to come... admist our financial crisis! :)

dreaming

2010-04-13T00:06:00.005+08:00

i've decided to blog again! really, i think this is healthy because i think stopping has made me more pessimistic. i don't know how but thats my hypothesis to my recent erratic behaviour. either that, or i must be entering some sort of mid 20s crisis.

so anyway, work is crazy. but alittle better from when i first started, so thank God (: well... i've not been to church in awhile now.. i think i need to start praying more often too. i don't know how or when, but i still do hope, someday he'll feel it too. atm, i need to regrow all the patience i've lost on my mom.

and back on about dreaming, yes its crazy but someday it'll be cool to have a car. its a damn luxury... and i don't really like driving cos i'd have to stay focused or things would get bumpy, and i detest getting lost cos it gets me frustrated...! so getting a car ain't exactly a top priority la... but it's still cool ._. i know, i'm ironic.. someday i pray that i'll be able to waltz into a honda showroom, look-touch-see-play and then say, "nice, i think i'll buy this!"

lolz.

and i love this ring featured in the soo kee website! its the tinted shade of gold that i like best and the design is so sweet!! baby if u ever strike toto i'll want this ring when u propose! then again if it cost like $100k forget it... as in, i still want this design but i don't mind if it's not a real diamond! maybe swap it with swarovski crystals? hahaha.. i'm joking. :P

time for bed *sigh* more work awaits.

can i also just mention how kns my IT guy is? beg him also wun install msn for me, then still push me around! i'm never speaking to that evil guy ever! its partially his fault i'm in the state i'm in now! arrrgh!! i'm just so close from uttering curses. so close.

night world.

Life's irony

2010-03-03T22:55:00.002+08:00

we all need a place to lament. so tired at work, everday i look back and somehow i can't recall what was i so busy with? how did it suck out so much of my time? why am i so tired?

everything seems to swirl around me.. births of babies, celebrations and weddings... to death and sickness, disease and accidents. i feel so tired of everything. so left out and empty. from wishing to gain happiness, accepting what I have and what I cannot have, to giving up my silly dreamings...

then this?

such irony life brings. i wonder if perhaps I need to be reminded of the purpose of life. should I relook at how i've viewed things? what am i suppose to do now?

i wish i could just die.

realization

2010-02-08T21:39:00.003+08:00

i feel like everyone is moving... except me.

perhaps its just my own self-centeredness talking out loud but it feels rather strange as i confront this awkard feeling of detachment. perhaps its because i haven't been blogging regularly and doing as much self reflection as i used to. perhaps its just because i've spent most of my time focusing on other things and didn't realize how much i've missed some people... and it seems like its too late. perhaps its all just because i haven't been to church for awhile.

and perhaps u don't know what i'm blabbing about.

but i just wanted to confess...
that i miss my friends from primary and secondary school... i wish i could still be a part of verna's life, share jokes and stories with her, see her draw those cartoon strips and hang out with her. or write to wei yan about nonsensical things... so many people i've lost contact with... somehow they all seem so far away now.

i miss amos, steve & amelia... i haven't heard from them and i no longer know whats up in their life anymore... and i'm guilty of not putting in much effort to keep in touch.. meeting yiling & hester also seems like a yearly affair too. and i just missed one of the opportunities to meet her in the recent cosplay...

i miss the times in aus with ash too. the cooking and grocery shopping, the times with tou, kel, qw, ocf, and brisbane city church. the drinking and day-dreaming. hanging out and going where-ever, when-ever. the wonderful weather and peace. so weird to suddenly see all of the ocf peeps at louis & mei's wedding.. where they're all so close beside me, but yet feel so far away.. is it just me?

i couldn't bear to stay longer at the wedding because i didn't felt like i belong... the church reminded me of how long i've not stepped in one and i wonder if i will ever return again. i'm not exactly holy or church crazy but i had always thought my dream wedding would be one in church. now i'm not so sure. its almost as if, i'm not fit to hold it in church.

i'm not even really close to the people in my church. probably the only few people who i really care for is just aunty jane and jeremy... cos they're the only ones who noticed me? on this note i hope jeremy's operation went well...

sigh, i guess i'm just jealous. jealous of the bonds that people have, while i form this image of me, lonely and looking from the shadows. i have to keep reminding myself that i'm not really alone. thankfully, there's jason to keep me from slipping into the abyss. its like my life revolves around him, and i guess he, mine. i strangely hope for some kind of change, yet strangely don't know what is it i want to change. yet somehow hope things won't change... but have this feeling that things are slowly changing?

maybe i just miss the days where i didn't have to work.

life ain't fair

2010-01-27T22:18:00.003+08:00

i'm so tired.

i'm working late and this time i can't take off-in-lieu to make up for it. there's just too much work to do. and carrying my 3kg working laptop sucks because it'll just drain every freaking drop of energy left in me and i'll be too tired when i get home to do anything anyway.

actually, i'm so tired i was about to just go wash up and head to bed. but my mom had to come into my room to disturb me. she always 'visits' when jason is not around me and pops up all kinds of crap. this time she showed me her credit card bill and asked why she has to pay interest, again. yes, its the second time. after looking through the whole statement and analyzing for 10 mins i finally found the reason. generally, she paid her bills late. so there's interest! duh.

called and got an approval for wavier? yea that was for the last bill. so yea, since u're always so free at home, why don't u just call again and see if u can get another wavier? save ten bucks. THEN u know what, i saw one of her spendings... at OG.. about $700+! so i asked what she bought, and she said clothes.

i'm like, WOAhh!! and she said it was for 5 tops. i'm like wow its so expensive! then she got all defensive on me like its somehow my fault that its expensive. she asked how much is my current top (fyi bought by jason at g2000 for $23) and i told her the original price before discount is $39 and then she CUT me in and said WAAA!!

what the FISH? i told her eh yours is $700+ leh! then she say its for 5 pieces. then when i rebutted how 5 pieces of mine will only amount to alittle over $100, she started to tear on me!?

what the FREAKING FISH?!?!?? i don't even have $700 in my bank account now, i have to scringe and save for everything i wanna buy (like, all my clothes are either discounted, cheap buys or bought by jason) and here she is BLAMING me for making noise that she bought clothes for herself??

i feel like puking blood. i feel so FREAKING poor. stressed and tired from working so tired to have to go home and face this shit. after the teary episode she can still come in 5 mins later to ask me if the holiday deal from UOB to taiwan is good. its like, re-emphasizing hoe MUCH money she has, and how LITTLE i have. she can pull such a LONG face when i wanna go phuket and my lodging and airfare amounts to $360. but then it seems almost totally fine for her to spend over $1000 to go to china or taiwan?

someone just give me a lethal dose and kill me. i hate myself for hating her but i just can't stop hating her. argh...

new post or double job?

2010-01-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

i've just started my new role just a couple days back, in quality assurance.. and work just keeps coming in! there's quite alot of things to do, that needs to be done... and the dateline isn't exactly very far away either.

needless to say, i am rather stressed, but i think i'm taking it in pretty well so far. like, at least i'm not slapping myself when i can't really remember the exact points for criterion 1 to 6 of the edutrust guidance document. at least, vincent has been really nice as a boss to me as well, not expecting me to memorise them, but just familiarize myself with it... together with another bunch of other documents...

so i'm really grateful, yet at the same time because he's nice, i don't want to let him down either... i really want to be able to finish going through the documents and then going through the iso and people developer files that we have, so i can better contribute to the edutrust documents for submission due in the 1st week of march (if i'm not wrong).

and i'm also grateful he wants to rope me in for the internal assessment so that i can get more hands on experience in such a short time. which is, by the way, happening just next week. which is like... omg, cos after the week-long assessment, it'll be the end of jan. and then in feb, there's like the new year hols where my leave isn't secured (since everything is so pressing) and then there's the 3 days of consecutive full shifts i might have to do... talk about ultimate shagness!

pray to god that i get a pay rise. someone in the company PLEASE TELL ME i've got a payrise coming!!! ugh... don't know the system in the company even though i've been here for almost a year.. and no one seems to be saying anything.

life's just gonna get busier. ._.

shut up and leave me alone

2009-12-28T22:13:00.003+08:00

its always about you isn't it?

just because u're pretty and loveable when you want to, everyone remembers you and dots on you. then when u want something u just have to exclaim to the whole world and wait for all the sympathies and comfort to come rolling in to you.

whatever ok? kiss my a**

don't come acting cute to me. if you need to say something, just say it and full stop. end of story.

i don't hate my job but i sure as hell don't like the people i have to work with.
the longer i stay here the longer i feel like i'm becoming more and more fake. i hate complaining more because it will just seem like i'm backstabbing people.

arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it that i'm so easily affected!!!!

and on a seperate note, my mom took away my camera when i wasn't home.

~~fuck!~~

i have tried to cover what shouldn't be seen already. sigh.

lerthargic

2009-12-21T17:42:00.002+08:00

season's greetings came early for me this year.

i've got like, the seasonal flu, cough, sore throat and not to forget, fever.

i pray that i'll get well to eat anything and everything soon.. especially before christmas. its just so uncool to be sick in this festive season. :(

u know when...

2009-12-16T21:30:00.002+08:00

u know u're feeling some pressure about marriage when..
1) ur friends are all balloting for hdbs and ask 'so which area do u prefer?'
2) more friends are getting married and everyone ask 'so when's ur turn?'
3) ur colleagues joke over each other's relationships and say 'please let us know the date in advance'
4) ur relative say 'don't make me wait so long!' in exasperation
5) ur pregnant colleagues debate about labour, surgery, babies, and schools in front of u, giving u all sorts of advice while they're at it
6) ur sister gives u advice on how to rate diamond rings
7) the insurance guy by the street asks 'are u planning to get married in the next 2 years?'
8) the financial consultant asks 'have u made plans for yourself and your kids?'
9) the bridal shops hardsells their packages, asking for commitment while flattering how compatible u both look, and then u have difficulty differentiating if they are truthful experiences or just lies
10) thinking about all the above... and wondering if i should be worried

maybe i'm just feeling post traumatic from my $18 haircut. my head still feels heavy and i'm somehow craving for an alcoholic drink.

standard chartered marathon

2009-12-02T20:30:00.002+08:00

eeeps.. 4 days more and i'll have to run around the city with some 60,000 people ._. and i'm feeling nervous just because i signed myself up to run 10km... its rather pathetic compared to the crazy others running the full 42.5km. but! i've never ran so long before!

i think i even cheated in the last big walk i ever participated. which was like, 10km too, years ago when i was much younger.

oh and wow. it's already december! x_x

christmas comes early this year

2009-11-28T11:38:00.002+08:00

woohoo!

it would have been a really good surprise, but i'm still so glad and happy to be getting a new camera! all the squeezing n walking around in sitex was definitely worth it~

i really need to tidy my room.. any ideas where i can donate my old stuffs?

friday the 13th!

2009-11-13T00:08:00.003+08:00

this is a momentous moment!

b'coz i'm... going to........................

PHUKET!!!

hurray~!!! finally, my long awaited holiday!!

well, even tho its like, more than 4 months away..... lolz. and i've bought my christmas cum anniversary gift for jason. haiz, some way or another he'll always know what he'll get before he sees it. haha! or maybe i'm just plain lousy... oh wells.. to let him see or not to let him see.. that is really one big question.

christmas is still like, more than a month away.. -_-" i think i'm really quite out of my mind.

monday blues

2009-11-09T21:20:00.003+08:00

actually its some 'afterflow' effect from sunday. i have this strange need to be and feel alone because i couldn't be comforted.

perhaps it all started from the movie 'the last house on the left'. it wasn't horror although there was blood and gore. i had wanted to watch the movie because i was intrigued by the storyline - how 2 girls got hurt by a gang of sadist, and how her parents made their 'revenge'. actually, from reading the sypnosis, its not difficult to predict how the story will enfold. what i really wanted to see was the reactions and actons of the girl's parents.

and i would say i liked the movie. touched even. because when the girl's parents cried, i could feel their pain as a parent who felt the pain of seeing their child hurt.

something i feel that my very own parents lack. which saddens me so much, i can't even describe the disappoitment. a child never questions the unconditional love of a parent. and i don't, because it is just pointless to do so.

then i watched 'blood - the last vampire' and i can't help but question my own existance. after all the rejection, disappointment, depression and anger... i feel so empty. thats the thing about japanese anime and movies that are dark/intriguing. the ending is always obscure and abrupt. there is all these mixed emotions and action and final confrontation and then... nothing.

maybe the japanese should look more into inputing more moralities into their show. perhaps that's why the suicide rate in japan is so high. so many people out there are lost and don't feel that they have a meaning in life. and death, is such a relief.

i really should try to stop having such morbid thoughts. it gets me doubting my ability to sustain a relationship and i wonder if i'll drive jason crazy someday. everytime i see his friends i realise how i have many friends, but i'm not as close to any... perhaps i only have myself to blame.

sigh, come what may.

chilli crab cup noodles!

2009-11-04T00:13:00.003+08:00

mom has been really nice to me lately. like, really really nice. and i can't figure out what's up her sleeves. there is always a motive.

always.

i just don't know what it is yet...

have the urge to get a new look. i dunno y.. but i just wanna do something! its actually alil premature.. had intended to get a new look slightly before christmas (then can last till new yr too? haha..) so broke...

payday come quick!!!

its friday! but i work on sats too..

2009-10-30T02:16:00.003+08:00

sometimes i feel somewhat psychologically challenged. i don't belive i'm demented or a sadist by nature but i can't stop wallowing in self pity over my own family condition. why are they like that? i can only pray for some kind of miracle... like to win a sweapstake or strike toto.

i pray that i don't have to give so much $$ to my mom soon. (6 freakin yrs! how i wish time can flash by in the blink of an eye)
i pray i don't have to give my dad all my cpf.
i pray i don't have buy a car/flat for my mom under my name. (strange how they can want me to do this when they will soon strip me of all my cpf?!?)
i pray i don't have to live with my parents after i get married... if i get married. (i really might consider/start investing on toto..)

sigh, i just wish i had it easier somehow. this is just the effects of no company, not gaming or not sleeping. yes, i need to constantly be distracted or be focusing on something else.

sudden enlightenment! now i know why i'm always so busy..

i must try to blog more often. :)

a time to reflect

2009-09-29T23:52:00.002+08:00

oops, neglected this place for 2 months already.. strange yet amazing how some things don't change, yet everything else is.

how i miss the times back in aussie, life seemed somehow much easier and carefree. it was so amazing just deciding to go travelling on a whim. now, there is so much to take into consideration before you do something.

to plan or not to plan... that is the question.

somehow, planning makes your boring. i want to save up and be able to have a fund for my future... you know, marriage, house, kids... that kinda stuff. yet, it sucks to know the harder i try, the harder it is to enjoy living life as it is now. i want to travel. i don't even mind going around singapore. i just want to explore places. try some cool new or themed food outlet or just chill and hang around. and then i think of the potential cost of these expeditions.

sianz.

hot singapore weather. inconvenient public transport to such locations. lack of time or too shag after work.

more sianz.

many times i just don't know what lies ahead of me. so screw planning.. somehow i've forgotten to always trust in god and leave things in his care. my spiritual life has detioriated almost entirely...

sigh, reflection today ain't fruitful. perhaps more sleep might help..
ta!

its all about the people

2009-07-22T21:47:00.003+08:00

work somehow has been going on alil downhill lately. but then again that may be a wrong way to actually put it. sigh, its hard to explain. i can only hope i'll not make the same mistakes again.

strangely i'm also taken aback by the things that are going on around me. bursting out the way i did to jeremy and remi a week back was not intentional, but it felt really nice to have them understand and comfort me because they are aware of the things that are going on. so i don't know if there has been word going around about me that i'm unaware of. people seem to be treating me alil nicer.

and then the mail from cfs sparked another issue when i tried to explain to my boss and got alil carried away doing so. somehow i'm not sure but i have this small feeling that the people from facilities said 'ah cat, jia you, jia you' for a reason. why is there suddenly a strain between cfs and facilities? i'm fairly sure its not because of me, and i really hope not. its just puzzling because all of a sudden i'm not sure of whats going on around me anymore.

everything feels surreal. it seems like the only time things are alright are the times i spent with jason. even when i just got my upper braces yesterday i could still eat rather normally, but somehow today, one bite by accident brought such immense pain it sucks the rest of my appetite in an instant. i can explain the logic behind it but somehow everyone but jason believes it. he thinks i'm just going mental..

sigh, work just sucks. for me, for jason, and for everyone else that matters.

my patience wears so thin...

2009-07-14T21:35:00.003+08:00

i haven't blogged in a month. which i suppose is really good because most of the time when i blog, its because i'm really upset or angry. either that, or perhaps i'm starting to pms.

seriously. there should be many things i should be happy about. my birthday just passed, nothing big or eventful that day but i was really contented. there was even a surprise how an intern of jason saw me and later commented that i was really pretty.

i have a wii in the house now. bought just 2 days ago counting the fact that today is almost over anyway. its expensive, but really fun. i'm still recovering from the heartache of the sheer cost of it. this month is really going to be lean for both myself and jason...

and today had been payday.

somehow it didn't change the fact that i'm tired. when i'm tired because of the lack of sleep, i either get depressed or grumpy. usually grumpy. but do i let that affect anyone? no. perhaps jason do get affected since we're close and he'll feel the direct effects... but i've never let anything, be it lack of sleep or whatsoever, affect my friends or colleagues.

i've been through alot in my life, even though it may not be comparable to some people, it has still been barely what i could bare to live through. i won't compare my experiences with others but somehow i expect at least to be spared from being caught in the melodrama life of others. i haven't subject any of my own drama on anyone other than jason, because he's different. you on the other hand give everyone an attitude and still have the time and sensible mind to post what you think on facebook.

most people have been rather kind thinking of your moods whilst working with you. still you show your attitude as if things going wrong in your life were their fault or you just couldn't give a damn about others other than yourself anyway. you're in customer service yet i don't see you have the initiative to be helpful UNLESS you're in a really good mood. how unprofessional. the fact that you're always posting on facebook also seems like you want/need all the attraction/sympathy from everyone. i know u met a rather bastardy guy but i had thought by your age you should be able to deal with it at your own stride without going at the expense of other's feelings. suddenly i'm seriously starting to wonder how some colleagues seem to treat u the way they do. how come suddenly so many people/dept seem to be 'bullying' the reception counter? perhaps it has something to do with your own personal character? it works just like the golden principle: do onto others as you would want others to do unto you.

treating you nicely doesn't give you the RIGHT to abuse my friendship.

i feel so much anger and grief working.

i know after sleeping tonight, i'll be fine the next morning. i'll be the same as i always am. i just to sleep over it.

giddy giddy

2009-06-11T14:24:00.004+08:00

have not been updating my blog for some time now.. too busy/tired i guess.. no news is sometimes good news eh?

life's been pretty alrite.. i've adjusted to my braces.. well somewhat.. so long as its not hard food, i'd buy it out of sheer craving anyways. never knew the food i crave can get so unhealthy... its only been a week and my bands are alil stained already. oops..

am kinda giddy with fever so i'm really really glad jason's got his driving license today! thank god~ it calls for a celebration eh? :D so happy for him, tho i do have a tinge of worry with him driving my parents car over a long distance (my place to the airport)... i'm always worried about getting lost but he somehow doesn't see this as an issue. so should be ok la hor? it has to start somewhere ma... once he get the hang of it, going anywhere won't be a problem anymore~ cos i don't have to drive~!! weeee~

time passes by so fast.. mom and dad are coming home tonight from macau.. i really do enjoy the house being empty without them... its like, so peaceful and quiet.. and when jason comes over it almost feels as if its 'our' house. mmm... so anyways, i hope my parents had fun.. i wonder if i'd get any souvenirs.. mmm... shall have no expectations to avoid disappointments.. oohh but i do wish for one...

quite a few things are coming up in the following weeks sia.. there's the pc show over the weekends, kinokuniya sale starting next week, dinner appointments, another trip to malaysia, fathers day, bii's ippt.. and my birthday!

so fast eh? its going to be half a year since we've been together too.. may there be many more months to come~ :)

i have braces!!

2009-06-02T15:19:00.004+08:00

well, on my lower jaw for now. won't get the ones fixed on my upper jaw until july 21st.

its quite unbelieveable. still feels rather amazing that i really have braces now. somehow, it strangely feels surreal...

not the pain tho.. the pain is very very real.

i've been taking so much panadol, i can't deny i think i'm feeling alil addicted to it. but i know its bad, so i'm cutting down before i go on overdose, and before i damage my livers... or is it kidneys?

anyways, i'm rather glad i've got the ceremic braces too.. it looks like plastic and somehow its just nicer to see, as compared to a mouth full of metal. not that a mouth full of metal is bad. i mean, the ones i saw right, the metal braces, looked quite nice too cos the brackets were pretty small. then i thought metal might just be better cos i was actually really worried that the ceremic will look yellow (since they say its tooth coloured) so i'd rather have metal then yellow teeth.. like, i'd rather people know i'm wearing braces then think i didn't brush my teeth ma.. lol, yes yes, very vain of me... so i'm glad its pretty white in the end.

ugh...

forgive me if i can't help/stop agonizing... Oow...

metal or ceremic?

2009-05-20T19:30:00.002+08:00

and i have finally embarked on the journey to getting braces. theres no turning back now... sometimes i still can't believe it. and then there's the constant pain to remind me.

somehow i had thought extraction was hard. enduring the seperators is a totally different matter altogether. i was shaking, bleeding and yowling when the dentist was putting the seperators between my teeth. and now, thanks to them too, i've eaten more panadols consecutively in 2 days then i've ever had in my life. i'm not really exaggerating..

in the past i'd be rather mindful of the amount of panadols i gulf down but now, i'm like counting down to the next hour i get to take them again. how should i put it? its not the kind of pain that results from a cut or bruise. it just somehow feels so bad that it gives me such awful headaches.. and then there's the codine that i think is making me more constipated then i already am. AND not to forget the conflict of needing to stay awake when the meds just make me sleepy...

yes, in summary, its really torturous. on a flip side, i actually welcome my new diet tho. although its really inconvenient to have to be on a lookout for food that are easy to swollow, the food i've been eating (basically just porridge, egg and tofu) everyday weren't all that bad. also i'm not too sure what is causing my lack of appetite but thanks to that, i only eat 1 or 2 meals a day so at least i don't get sick of all the porridge, tofu and egg.

jeremy has been really encouraging everytime i sulked around him. so i really REALLY hope everything will just go on smoothly and be worth it in the end. then theres the current joke going around the small hut on how braces might affect my relationship. or should i say the joke on how jo thinks it will affect my relationship. while i defended indignantly, it becomes funny as we all try to imgaine how aggressive jo might be in kissing her husband :x

hope i can eat durian and proper food by this saturday.. and i have till next monday for 2 more tooth extraction and the decision to make..... should i put metal or ceremic braces?? @_@

the start of everything

2009-05-18T03:05:00.002+08:00

i have not stayed past 3am in a really long while... and yes, i'm really really tired.

its mental torture. not even playing bejewel twist for the past hour or so seems to help. my brain feels dead (thanks to bejewel) but it doesn't stop those mental images of pain, blood and agony thats waiting for me.. argh.. perhaps ignorance is really bliss and i really shouldn't have watched so much youtube videos.

some of them were really great tho, you see the transformation and like, omg... its definitely worth it for him/her. what went by in those few minutes actually took 2yrs. 2 freaking years!! thank god for them that it was worth it. and then there were the other videos of ops that had way too much details. theres like blood and its like you can just feel the pain even tho you're in the comfort of your bedroom chair.

i still can't imagine myself with braces. should i go with metal or ceremic? should i take some painkillers before i go for my extraction? i know i should eat something before i go but i don't have any appetite now and i doubt i'll have any later. but i'm worried that i might faint again. i hope the dentist is good. maybe i really should have just went to my own dentist for the extraction. at least i know he's good. but then again i know its all too late to talk about this now. i'm just 7 hours away from my appointment. maybe if i'm lucky, i could still catch 5hrs of sleep.

yes yes.. i'm just rambling nonsense. sigh, i wish the malaysia trip was last saturday and not this coming saturday. now i also have to worry about eating properly when i get there. suddenly i feel so unprepared. suddenly things seem to be happening so fast. or maybe i'm just getting alil too paranoid. like, its just extraction and maybe i'll have seperators placed in. i haven't exactly, or i'm not literally getting the braces on later...

arghhhhh...... why do you have to be by some stupid swamp when i need you? i think i'm going all emo from the lack of sleep. i hate dentist!!!!! fk fk fk fk fk!!!

i'll be fine, i know.

i know.

or i think i know...

i'm just really not looking forward to it..

sobs. but i do want my teeth straightened. :(

sigh, i want and need to be left alone.

too much

2009-05-06T20:49:00.003+08:00

think perhaps i had a writer's block of some sort and haven't been updating... either that or at times when i do have something to blog about, i was prolly just too tired then to turn my com on and do so.

now suddenly its may! yiling, hester & my sis's birthday have passed and the next big occasion is mother's day. feel rather thankful that i've already given her something and all i have to concentrate on is surviving till my next pay comes in. and also figure out how to pass everyone else their presents. weird eh? 3 ppl's birthday have passed and i haven't given them their present tho i've bought them before the event. BUT i've already bought and given my mom her share of mother's day present BEFORE its event mothers day. i think i must be getting somewhat paranoid of sorts. but hey, she was nicer to me. i've been having propers dinners when i come back from home (NOTE! Not instant noodles!!) so yea... what a joke.

i think the next few weeks that follow will be very eventful. like, after i get my pay.. it'll be a few days grace before i go for my molar extraction on the 18th. then there might be a trip to malaysia for durian and shopping on 23rd... and then more extraction and pain on the 25th (oh! it'll also be our 5th month anni! haa..). i've got something in mind to buy but i think he already knows anyway lol..

feel really scared and nervous as days pass. actually i still haven't formed my list of things i wanna eat before i get braces on. like, i can't really even remember what nice, hard and chewy food are out there. *shrugs*

thanks to ash, i'm rather scared to bits by the pain i might have to endure. but jeremy encouraged that i'll definitely lose weight. i better! as skinny as possible.. haha..

ah, while having lunch with the girls from cfs, i seemed to be alittle reprimanded for spoiling the market of being a nice gf. apparently, their bf, fiance and husband are all guys who shower them with tlc and will do anything for em. of which includes doing housework, washing the dishes, ironing, buying jewellery...

it all started with me asking where to buy and how much starch cost. apparently i'm not suppose to iron his clothes (since it has only been 4mths) cos if i started, i'll be doomed with it forever (should we ever get married). then the next question that followed was the dishes, and more which i can't really remember... all i can say is... its pretty tough to be a guy eh? i mean, just listening to them, i could feel that its pretty hard work and if i can feel tired just listening to chores, imagine having to do them in real life...

somehow it didn't seem that difficult back when i was in ozzie. i wonder why? now that i'm back in sg, i relish laundry, cooking and doing the dishes. thinking of it kinda makes me miss ash cos we usually do it together. i really do miss the carefree life back in oz instead of the debt-filled life here in sg... and then sj's words flash by my head ''girls right now your age should be saving up for marriage". i can't help but make a bitter laugh at that.

and life just seem even more bleak at that.

ok i think i rambled quite alot now. may tomorrow be a better day..

quick update

2009-04-22T21:14:00.005+08:00

i got really sick on monday with a really bad headache and some fever due to some infection. i know i know, its a vague description... haha.

mom is alrite. doc says the lumps are just oil...

freaking suay that i might not be able to claim any $$ back at all for seeing the doctor.

sigh...

oh, and i'm like 85% sure i'll be getting braces. cos like, i've taken the x-ray, done the mould, fixed my 3 appointments with the dentist to have the extraction, and banding etc... and i feel like, ohmigosh, i still can't believe its real, that its actually happening...

but i do have reasons for the remaining 15% chance that its all just an illusion. that % refers to the slim chance that my mom might just suddenly refuse to let me get it done, for no aparent reason. its ever so possible from my ever so unpredictable mother la. so until i've seen her make payment, who knows, i might not be getting braces afterall (tho i still have a really badly decayed molar thats starting to hurt).

had another family drama today. sometimes i really do feel amazed at how me and my sister keep our sainity...

i'll say no more. suddenly i just wish time would fly alil faster now.. wanna grow alil faster, earn alil more, and then finally, move out or something.. yeah i know then again its all really just too far fetched to imagine for now..

short term goal: look forward to the weekends..

life is full of drama...

2009-04-18T09:56:00.003+08:00

sigh, i still feel rather troubled as i post this.

lots of mixed emotions and feelings because of how complicated things suddenly are.

from young i've always rather felt neglected. with parents always working and too old a sis to play or communicate with. i didn't really love my family all that much. in summary, you can't choose your family so i grew to learn how to appreciate them. and after so many years, mom and dad has grown older... now instead of me seeking attention, it seems that the role has reversed and they are the ones seeking more attention.

sigh, but how should i put this? things are just more complicated because my mom is known to me as being spoilt, unreasonable, kiasu, egoistic, money-loving and a tantrum-throwing drama queen.

i'm not sure how my dad and sis view her, but to me, those traits of hers have always been there, since i ever knew her. and you can expect, with her being that way, no one in the family really hangs around her much. doing that just brings trouble upon yourself you know?

yesterday was jayna's birthday and i was really shocked to be the only VIP at my sister's place because of a mountain load of misunderstandings and miscommunication. right now, i'm actually even suspicious that it could just be because my mom was jealous/envious that my sis is going to korea with the whole family.

right when she was telling me how she spent all her money bringing me and my sis up, i felt rather angry and irritated. like, please lor, how much have she really splurged on us before? just on my case, the moment i started work, she immediately demanded 1k of monthly payment. even when i was doing my internship or working before i went to aus, i gave her $400 a month when i took home less than $1200. mind you, i never ate at home, so i had to pay for all my meals, transport and what nots.. ever since the end of secondary education, i have never taken money from her. and she hardly cooked at home.

knowing her pattern, i'm quite sure she has sucked $$ out of my sis for many years as well. its just that after so many years, my poor sis has gotten a higher pay and have managed to save some money (like finally) for her whole family to go on holiday. so someone please enlighten me.. when she suck so much money out of us, HOW she expect us to splurge on her? BRING her for holiday? come on, we barely have ENOUGH to support our daily lives. perhaps if she had been more understanding and appreciative, we would too. i only have 1 word left, and its just karma.

seriously, its not that i don't want to buy things to pamper my parents. i just don't have the money to do so, after giving her more than 50% of my pay. then isn't it weird? i mean, she took all of our money and claim she's poor. hello? what are u paying for? utilities and bills have been paid by dad. we give you so much allowance. u don't cook and thus buy close to nothing for groceries. like, if u were to cook, its always instant noodles. SO WHERE HAVE ALL THE FUCKING MONEY WENT?

yes i'm pissed. pissed by the bloody fact that in just one month, either me or my sis have given her enough to keep going on holiday already. why is it our fault that we never plan for a holiday that included her? perhaps she should do some reflection and she'll find out how including her makes it NOT a holiday anymore.

but of course, i didn't explode right in her face. for 1 it just won't make any sense to her. 2 she won't understand and 3, its pointless. (see how these 3 points are actually the same? hahaha) and then she went all emotional and sickly on me. saying how she have this lump on her arm and she haven't seen the doc because she's afraid of surgery.

i felt sympathetic and there was a pang of heartache to see my mother suffer at such. and then i thought maybe she's going to die soon. and then the next thing i thought was i hope she dies soon. the painless and quick kind for her sake and ours. i can't imagine how the rest of my family will change and become once she's gone, but i can only imagine that it'll get better. i don't mind giving my dad the money (something i've always been wanting to do but haven't got the money to spare) and know that he'll be more appreciative of it. i won't even mind bringing my dad on a holiday someday...

sigh. i ought to feel guilty wishing for something like that to happen. but u'll only be able to understand what i've been through to slap me in the face and scold me for having such thoughts. this is only 1 drama. how many others have there been left untold and forgotten that no one ever knows... its all just painful and stupid to recollect and its amazing how thats whats bonding me and my sister now. praying for direction, for strength and comfort. i don't know what else i can do really. :(

the face shop

2009-04-13T22:51:00.002+08:00

am rather pissed over a salesgirl at the face shop today... feeling rather excited that my pay just came in and somehow needing some retail therapy, i bought a new simple top and i went to the face shop to get some makeup remover. (it has been troubling me for the past couple of weeks how difficult and painful it is to remove mascara x_x)

and then u know how my aunty side can always kick in... there was a promo where u buy $60 worth of products and you'll get a bunch of freebies? so i picked a few items... my makeup remover, a new pencil eye liner, a new blusher and a sleeping mask (its amazing how just so few items can cost over 70 bucks eh?) and then there was a miserable 5% VIP discount (yes i'm already a VIP ahha) u know why i say its miserable? cos i still ended up paying over 70 bucks... yes baby, don't kill me... haha..

so anyways, back to the story.. the girl that served me was nice and good u know (if not how would i get psychoed to buy so much) it was the girl at the cashier that totally put me off. first she spoke so loud, hello hello, the shop very small and i can hear properly lor... talk so loud for what? then as she was telling me that theres a free moisturizer and toner, she sort of threw it to the other poor girl that was serving me and sort of yelled at her to give me instructions as to how to use it. wa piang, how difficult can using toner and moisturizer be?

THEN the craziest thing happened. like, before the other stunned salesgirl could talk to me, she took the free travel size moisturizer and toner back up and spoke as she wrote in MARKER "nah, write clear then you won't mix them up"

i was like, just admiring how nice and cute the packaging was when she had to put her UGLY letters on them!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! you BITCH!! the freaking packaging is in ENGLISH la!! its not like in korean or thai or some alien language. do i look that dumb to you?!!? KAOZ!! if you had a freaking better education then me you wouldn't be there!

yes my mind was crazy. it went totally nuts as i walked composed out of the shop and back home. i don't remember how long i remained in agony. no one knows except my blog... and those who read it. thankfully, god invented nail polish. so now, the marker stains are removed and i have my pretty little toiletries back in original condition! :D

what a quiet dramatic night eh?

horrifying experience

2009-04-12T20:26:00.003+08:00

i realise there are many things that freak me out.

there's cockroaches,
there's injections,
there's dentists...

well these top 3 remain there throughout the years. and there are others.. mmm...

and just now during dinner, a cockroach FLEW and landed just next to my family's huge pot of instant noodles. my gawd, istant noodles also can attract cockroach!?!? 0_0!!

anyways thats not really all i have to say...

its weird how more add on as the years go by. and its funny how they all have this thing in common.

change...

i don't know why its frightening me now. i remember how i used to embrace it. feel unafraid and find it challenging. think of how it just builds me and make me a better person.

i'm just voicing out the things and events i have no control over. like how my mucus uncontrollably run down from my nose as i eat ice cream... only more serious and less disgusting.

sigh, its just not right to fall sick now. i need to fall sick the following sunday to get an mc... or unless my illness just prolong itself for another week? ugh... too bad this doesn't help me lose any weight...

maybe this is just a phase i'm going through. all this thinking is like some mid 20s crisis or something. i should get back to my ps2, psp or comics. OR seriously consider adopting the poor kittens at my sister's place.

random

2009-04-08T18:31:00.002+08:00

just some really random things thats happened...

i almost cut my finger while opening a packet of hello panda.

i'm home before its dark! heck, before its even 7pm!

i saw a car with this huge ass hello kitty sticker pasted right in the front.

i just found out today that the person beside me have a Masters degree... from vietnam. FK, SHE'S PAID HIGHER THAN ME FOR DOING SHIT?

i'm appalled that i'm getting so vulgar in my own blog. i'm not usually like this.

i'm constantly feeling tired and a pimple looks like its gonna pop. i guess my aunt might be visiting soon...

ah... the packet of hello panda is finished.

i'm still hungry.

i'm still tired.

ahhhhh i hope the long weekend would just come already! :(

2009-04-03T21:57:00.002+08:00

its rather depressing to note that just yesterday i experienced the joy of having 4 digits in my bank account (instead of 3 digits with 2 decimal points...)

and just in less than a 1 minute transaction, i am reduced to surviving on less than 700 bucks for the coming month. of which i need to set aside a coupe more hundreds for more debts to pay.

its misery to the max to slog ur time away, only to be repaid as such. :(
why isn't mom more understanding? why can't she spare me for the 1st few months? i don't even have enough clothes n shoes for work. maybe its just an excuse, but i really really feel in dire need of some retail therapy to ease my loss.

and so i went shopping at lot 1 after work. i vaguely remember there was a sale at BHG. i don't understand.. Metro had sound slight better than BHG u know? or at least, i felt that way... it never fails to remind me of BTH. bleah..

so anyways, in i went and woah! theres like this huge dicount on bras! ok, being alone and depressed, the aunty in me shone like diamond under sunlight..... hahaha, i'm exaggerating. but still, i did but 2 new bras! hehe, original price $59, and i bought it for $14! gd value leh.... hee..

ok i think i just shattered my own image... sigh, the life of poor me... hopefully i'll get a gd haircut tmr after work. PRAY that i can get my braces done asap after my 1st consultation on the 20th without much hassle and pain. yeah, gotta pray extra on that.

thank god! jason might be getting a job soon... and then i'll wait for reality to set in.

oh yeah, and i should share this funny joke that came from me and jason...

me: someone said i look like the girl next door leh! *tries to feel smug at the fact that am actually still rather attractive to the opposite sex*

bii: girl next door? who said that? your neighbour?

me: *falls off the chair*

and then we both burst out laughing hysterically... yea its really original eh?

marriage

2009-03-30T21:59:00.002+08:00

am suddenly intrigued by the 9pm show on married housewives and their woes. i've been watching that show on and off for the past couple of weeks and what surprises me is how i can actually relate to some of them.

the aunty-ish traits and kiasu'ness is just really some of the traits that makes us singaporean no? the issues they face are so real it actually scares me. i used to have a bf that was a gambler. used to have one that would buy me gifts n make me happy (then again, which doesn't? mm...), used to have a fling that couldn't make up his mind.

gosh, had i married any of them, wouldn't i be like a life example of the drama? i know, i know, its just a tv drama... but i just had this smacked in the face kind of feeling as i just watch the tv.

girls just need a guy that can support them. someone that is confident, reasonable and strong-willed.. someone that's trustworthy and reliable for them to confide and trust. is it really that hard?

okay i'm not condemning all men out there. don't get me wrong... i'm just feeling alittle indignant for a sizeable number of girls out there because there IS a sizeable amount of guys who can't make up their minds, are fickle and indecisive.

then again i do understand that its not so easy. guys are also human and sometimes as girls, we just have too much expectations that are just not easy to meet.. actually, there are also some girls that are like that... hmm... its really not easy for 2 people to meet, mutually fall in love, to date, and to marry..

when i log into facebook, i never fail to still feel surprized to see my secondary school mate's wedding photos. are those her kids? i can't imagine the financial strain, the stress, the pain... and it doesn't make the image any better as i'm still halfway thru watching 'the pursuit of happyness'. it makes me torn to want to get married, and wanting to stay in dating stage forever.

sometimes when too much thoughts flood in, you just got to remind yourselves to forget everything and just take each day as they come. as the saying goes, don't worry about tomorrow, there's enough worries today, so leave tomorrow's worries for tomorrow. well, it sounded something like that lah. haha..

and just this morning jason said i'm not a good strategist. and i totally agree.. i'm more of a worrywart. i like to believe in the good in people and i wish people would just be kind and nice to each other. that way, the world would be a better place to live in... at least, to the person you've been nice to.

sigh, i think my thoughts are still alittle overcrowded. really haven't blogged for too long... tune in for more ramblings~ haa... its funny how my work ain't really that strenuous, and yet i still feel drained. anyhows, thank god for the day, thank god for my poor memory. pray for tmr's orientation & bii's interview!

love u :)

goodbye goodbye

2009-03-18T22:22:00.002+08:00

yesterday i dreamt that i was a smoker. like, i could feel myself smoking and i really got a 'high' on it. strange huh?

haven't had the time to sit down and just blog. like, there's been too many things going on and happening in my life now. i'm going out everyday and returning home only to get what little rest i can.. before going out again. mainly its work that drains my life outta me. then there's bii, my fam, church and.... facebook?

haha, its a strange addiction. u know, the brainless kind i'm always attracted to. mafia wars, pet society, parking wars, guitar heros, spot the difference, and the list goes on...

i just go in, click click click and then stone and wait for it to refresh...
as if my brain is not dead enough, i actually miss my couch potato life... i'm totally envious of jason being jobless, even tho i also know thats not exactly a good thing. :(

love u

2009-02-27T23:13:00.004+08:00

my new bed is finally here! its huge and its awesome~ :D

i feel like i've lost my ability to pen down my thoughts properly and more often then not, i'd probably forget the thought i wanted to pen down from the beginning.

alil late to post this up, but i'm starting work on this coming monday @ psb academy!
david made this funny joke yesterday when he asked abt my new job. he was saying how i should work hard now so that when he graduate next sem, i can hire him. haha! too bad i'm not in the tourism industry. its still hospitality but err... haha, somehow not up there la.

well, its a simple, decent job and i think the working environment ain't too bad.
*still keeping my fingers crossed*

sigh, rat race, here i come...

with work, hopefully i'll be able to afford and get my braces done.
pray that bii will get the job he wants... and join me in the rat race too, lol.

i feel thankful to have him. he doesn't know but sometimes i really feel that he's an answered prayer. tho our future ahead looks bleak with our mountain of debts.. haha, for all the times you've hanged around.. comforted me.. talked to me.. understood me.. took care of me.. be concerned for me.. loved me..

thank u :)

may some things never change, and this be one of them.

and i quote from somewhere...
sometimes repeating the same words can be quite beautiful,
especially when those are the words you want to listen to

sweet dreams

2009-02-24T00:29:00.003+08:00

i'm feeling really gay now. my days of sleeping on the floor will soon be over! hurray~ :D

and i thought today would've been a bad day. it started with horrible cramps that panadol couldn't ease. having my library books overdue for DAYS. the heavy truth that my mom might not sponsor my braces or give me any pocket money at all... and then i had to be in the uncomfortable position of going out with my parents cos my mom had cravings for egg tarts at IMM... where she also threw this shockingly scary tantrum.

which somehow made my dad even nicer to me (i don't know how to describe this) and then perhaps my mom felt that she had mistreated me also... well, okay and the sales guy was pretty good at getting to my mom too.

and i got a new bed!

even my sis was amazed. too bad i still owe her n jerry $65 from losing at mj ._.

sigh, is spending $4000 on braces really worth it?

internal struggles

2009-02-17T15:21:00.002+08:00

am going to attempt to ignore my mom and just go out.. after getting some sort of encouragement from bi.. haha

here's a link if anyone's interested to buy some collectables from my friend's friend. haha.. posting is free~ i'll link it at the side laters.. http://grumpybread.blogspot.com/

oh and just a quick update.. the interview with the CEO was... something i'm not sure how i'd make out myself. but its ok! just went for another interview yesterday with psb and if i do get the job, it seems like my future bosses are really nice people! am due to go for the next interview with the HR dept this thurs. my only problem is its located beside NUH. how to go to the freakin hospital sia ._.

best of all, bi's got an interview at some hospital. i hope he gets the job. really, i really do. its located at outram somemore, who knows, if i work at tiong bahru we might even be able to meet for lunch. but why? WHY hospital ._.

okok, gtg, *prays that we all get jobs* amen.

3 days till V day...

2009-02-11T14:17:00.002+08:00

got an interview with the CEO of recruit express tmr! woa... alittle taken aback by the structure of the company. and i hope he won't make me wait for an hour ._.

i'm still quite hesitant. even though i haven't exactly gotten the job, i feel its possible for me to get it. so i guess i'm just asking myself in advance if i really want it. it's also making me feel bad. gary's been calling me every now and then, checking up on me, giving me tips and seeing that i'm alright. at the back of my mind, now that i know how the commission thing works, i know if i get the job, he'll get quite a big jump towards his sales target. nonetheless he has been pretty genuine too, so i really gotta give him some credit for doing a good job.

have i really got the drive to do sales? sigh, i didn't lie in the character and personality tests. i can be someone unlike my usual self, its just tiring... thats all. yes yes, i'm a lazy bummer by nature. i love sports but at the same time, i love slacking and doing nothing. i'm not good-for-nothing, i'm just good-at-nothing in particular. i try my best but they never really stand out or excel. i actually think i'm pessimistic and depressed by nature but i've always tried to be otherwise...

somehow i feel troubled.. can't really put a finger to it. they're somehow too many issues that i can't make out.

and then valentine is coming.. my mind is still a blank! die...

daddy daddy

2009-02-08T01:14:00.003+08:00

happy birthday daddy! & jerry too~ not like they will see this blog but oh wells...

and i... i... got a new phone~!! XD
so happy, i thought it was crazy they'd agree to get me the HTC, who would've thought that i'd end up with a LG! its pretty cool... i'm actually contented without the iphone already haha.

yep, daddy's birthday and i ended up with the present =x
i was this close to getting a bedframe too... too bad it was getting late after i got my phone. but its alright, someday i won't have to sleep on the floor.
someday will come... i just hope it'll be soon.

for now, hurray for my new phone!

chinatown

2009-02-06T15:52:00.002+08:00

finally went to chinatown with my mom after having her ask me to accompany her there for the past couple of weeks. have i been that busy? ._.

and then i realise why. i was to be her maria to carry all the groceries!! seems like thats what kids are for huh?

well, at least in return she paid for my new soap, shampoo & moisturizer. yayness~ :D

reading the papers till i'm falling asleep now.. stoning at home while jason is out watching a movie with his buddies.. what to do, killing time before going to my sis's place later... hope i can win some $$ at mj with her.. *crosses fingers*

mm...

...

i miss him ._.

sometimes i think back and i still find it quite amazing. this is one of the impossible issues i never saw coming... and then the interesting thing is probably how it feels right even though we haven't been together for long. i really hope this comforting feeling remains and don't change with time. its nice to love someone and be loved at the same time. :)

the irony

2009-02-04T13:41:00.002+08:00

u know how life is just sometimes so full of surprizes...

when u think its impossible, sometimes it's possible. and then when u think u stand a chance, in actual fact, u don't.

the mysteries of life eh... u just don't know what will happen next.

i'm due for my 3rd interview in less than an hour. would i get kicked out now? i wonder... on a side note, i don't like my new soap ._.

its blue and makes me smell like detergent. my dad's taste can be really aweful sometimes... when i start work and if that bottle of blue ~~detergent~~ soap isn't finished, i'll buy a new bottle for myself! ugh..

ok time to run!

random update

2009-01-31T02:07:00.004+08:00

the crappy internet is driving me crazieeeeeeeeee!! ugh! one of these days i am moving the modem into my room. i need the wire man...

and i'm still pondering over what to wear to shun's birthday. i thought wearing stockings and sandals is bad. but somehow seems like not enough effort as compared to yiling leh.. so i'm adding warmers and a scarf... i think thats buang enough le ba? lol.. shun ah shun... y come up with this theme and hold ur party at clark quay?

went for an interview that lasted hours. actually i'm still rather uncertain about the job though it seems and feels like i might be able to get it. am guilt-ridden for making jason wait for hours, then was shocked when he suddenly went all serious on me about my priorities in life. work or family? i was alil stunned to reply but of course its family. and then suddenly i thought, but i would also feel reponsible for my work so it would have to depend on the situation when i'm faced with a choice.... i think?

generally still family la.. i'm the kind that will give up my career for my kid, if need be. anyways thats still far into the future..

ah yes, and then it suddenly dawned on me halfway during the interview that valentine's day is coming!! oh dear... i got no idea what to do yet ._.

moo moo year

2009-01-28T22:29:00.003+08:00

the beginning of the chinese new year had been rather good. won alil $ from the traditional gambling table and i feel very grateful. it makes me notice how much i have lost before and how i came to the conclusion that my gambling luck is very bad.

but i've been rather moody today tho. perhaps its due to the lack of sleep. am tempted to sleep early today and wake up early in the morning to jog but another half of my brain (and body) is too lazy and all too unenthusiastic to agree.

tomorrow beckons a busy day.. although very tempted to just laze at home all day, i know i'll move my lazy ass out of the house. too bad the comprimise is postponing a movie date with jason... is that being too mean? because i feel like i can and i will meet him anytime, the priority of a date with him ain't that high. don't get me wrong, its not that i don't like or want to meet him. in fact, i'd love to do it as often as possible. but since i don't meet my other friends that often, meeting them just takes on a higher priority now.

i can just imagine him whining at me if i try to explain tho... *oops* haha..

just met up with kenneth at lot 1 to catch up. it was really brief, but it was also nice to just get out of the house for awhile. happy birthday dear nephew, till we meet again in feb...

sigh, so tired. i guess i really need sleep. or alco. haha...

chinese new year

2009-01-23T18:50:00.002+08:00

chinese new year is coming!

maybe thats what everyone else is busy about. maybe thats why i haven't heard much from the jobs i've tried to apply. or am i just in denial?

sigh. and somehow at the back of my mind i can distinctively remember someone telling me the recession isn't affecting the tourism industry. dots... it is lor. =(

so anyways i've been slacking abit with jason. haven't been going out much cos i'm not high on my savings. in fact, its running low so fast, i don't even dare to go to the dentist lest he says i got to spend another hundred extracting my wisdom tooth.

sigh x2

the dilemma of being jobless...

i'm getting all moody as well. sometimes i really think too much for my own good. i need to stop broading... bleh

coming back to blog

2009-01-12T18:40:00.002+08:00

爱有多少，付出也要有多少
爱情不是单行道
他(她)的好更不是理所当然
生气时，想想他(她)的可爱
抱怨时，想想他(她)的委屈
冷战时，想想他(她)的温柔
两人懂得付出，爱就会久远....
毕竟，真心相爱并不容易，不要轻言别离
[送心爱的人回家；哪里都顺路!]

haha... read this off somewhere.. i'm beginning to appreciate the fact that i'm living in the west now. it's far, but what to do? just got to live with it... literally.

bowling tomorrow with my parents and maybe checking out the zoo on wednesday with my baby.. sometimes i still can't believe i'm in a relationship again. its quite amazing.. mm.... can't put the thought to words. can only pray for the best for whatever that may happen in future to us eh?

i'm living each day as it comes... sigh, i love being unemployed but i hate being poor :( well at least thankfully cny is coming soon~ additional income! yay :D

am so desperate i'm even applying for jobs that is not of the tourism industry ._.

oh wells...

2009

2009-01-06T17:58:00.002+08:00

i'm so tired...

and suddenly i just wish to be alone.

and off we go!

2008-11-25T13:34:00.003+08:00

was back from new zealand not too long ago and i'm flying off to cairns tomorrow! i can only pray for good weather... and that i pass all my course modules when results are released at 9am tomorrow. oh the suspense...

well nz was pretty fun. loads happened and i just can't pin everything down. i think personally the biggest highlight would have still been my solo stunt of bungying at auckland harbour bridge.

all i can say.. is that its really darn high. i was freaked out. scared shyt. hallucinating that i'm going to die. and not to forget, worried that the instructor was gonna push me.

and then i leaped. i really thought i was going to die. o_o

yep thats me jumping and screaming my lungs out. i can't believe i made it. and there was even a boat below watching me and making my pic look nice. lol.

pre-holiday tagz~*

2008-11-16T10:38:00.002+08:00

yay, can't believe exams are finally over, school life has ended!!! (unless touchwood i fail a course) and in no time i'll be back in singapore looking for a job... actually, i've already started looking. kiasu hor? sigh, economy is bad man... bo bian T_T

well that aside, holidaying first! am so excited that i'm flying to new zealand in just a few hours later~ i think i underpacked but well... more reasons to shop i guess! hahaha.. am actually not armed with alot of cash but i really hope i can find something nice to buy as a souvenir =3 and then, have extra to buy home too.. no guarentee hor!

ahha, service today was good. am glad i went to church today despite only having barely 5 hours of sleep, and despite the ultra hot weather. morning service is really indescribably different. just feel so... left out somehow. so many unfamiliar faces and clicks on their own, there's just no room as i stand aside and occupy myself with my own thoughts.

o wells, pray for good weather and a safe trip, and just before i go, a replied tag! xD

Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag the people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all

1) Have you given your first kiss away? - *stares at the question* No.

2) Spoilt? - not really, but i'd like to be~ =)

3) Where is the place that you want to go the most? - Tokyo!

4) If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be? - to die peacefully..

5) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain? - depends on the rain? it'd be nice to see one, but it just doesn't happen all the time.

6) Who/What are you afraid to lose the most now? - my heart.

7) If you win $1 million, what would you do? - invest some, spend some, donate some.

8) If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her? - dunno...

9) List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you. - reliable, trustworthy and helpful. we're like childhood friends tho we don't spend a great deal of time together as much as i'd like to.. still i love u for the way u are =) to many more years for friendship~

10) What are the requirements that you wish from your other half? - someone who loves god, is faithful, dedicated, capable and loving. someone i can talk to and makes me comfortable. someone i trust my life with. is there such a person? lol

11) Which type of person do you hate the most? - inconsiderate and pretentious people

12) Name someone you have always wanted to have dinner with but never gotten the chance to. - my sis

13) If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet? - tell me. just tell me.

14) What do you think is the most important thing in your life? - the people around me. which ironically, deals the most hurtful of experiences.

15) Are you a shopaholic or not? - YES! well, if i have the $$!

16) If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change? - to be more consistent & procrastinate less.

17) What do you usually do at home? - in summary, slack. haha

18) Any weird habits or quirks? - some say i'm a mood spoiler. too lame i guess? haha

19) How do you think the person who tagged you can change to be a better person? - just be yourself and do the things you love =)

20) If you could be a villian, what sort of villian will you be? - hmm, i guess if only i was a genius, i'd be the type of villian thats too smart for my own good.

Tagged: None

i've learnt that when theres no expectations, you suffer no disappointments. so i shan't tag lest no one replies.

"flow"

2008-11-12T13:56:00.003+08:00

i am so not in the flow now. leisure definition crap. basically, bull/chim stuff depending on how u wanna see it. but trust me, you don't wanna know the name of the freaking guy that came up with the word 'flow'.

-_-

suddenly miss having the word 'fairy' in my nickname. somehow recently more than one person still addressed me with a fairy in front of my name... seeing it brought back old memories of how i used to game non-stop sia.. logic of play so much = no time to eat = no eat = die & become fairy. or better known in chinese as "chen xian".

ahha.. can't remember when was the last time i played online games...

no mood to study sia... exams in another couple of days and i still don't feel prepared. especially my last paper. super pain in the ass.
argh!!

its a painful 3 days of school left...

and the clock keeps ticking

2008-11-08T07:52:00.002+08:00

ahh, haven't exactly been studying very hard.. feeling alil guilty and worried, but... really no drive leh..

3 more papers in just 1 week. how in the world am i going to cover everything? @_@ its just not possible. ahhh~ it just feels like exams is over already.. i just can't wait to go on holiday T_T

sigh, but at the same time, there's this nostalgic feeling... i'll miss uq. i'll really really miss my carefree life as i go back and be the filial daughter, then join the rat race to pay my debts to the bank and my parents. its like, thats it? is that how my life is going to end and remain for the rest of my remaining days?

it was like my childhood dream of being able to find a nice guy and settle down. have a simple life and just be content with what i have, live life as it is and be responsible. sounds rather boring no? yeah, i'm a boring person.

but yet at the same time i don't wannna settle down and just live with that. i guess i would have settled with alex if i was really like that. and i'm horrified with hospitals. how am i going to have kids? ahhaha... well, when the time comes for it i'm sure i'll work it out. i always do eh?

i'm pretty scared of heights but i'm still pushing myself to go bungy even if i gotta do it alone. and then there's skydiving. it scares the crap out of me visualising it. so whatever, just book and such, think about the consequences later.

so yeah. i thought i would be simple and ordinary, and to a certain extent, i am. but i'm somehow always pushing myself for something. to do something, to want a change. to travel, to explore, to challenge. i think thats all that can make life alil more exciting.

i don't foresee myself being able to get out of the rat race.. but at least, i wanna make my race as enjoyable as it can be. perhaps the thought of loneliness glooms, but i just keep reminding myself that it'll be okay and things will work out somehow.

lately the thought of alex do pop into my head. reminisces of the past brings back memories and after all that's happened, i've been struggling with myself whether i should give him a call and apoogize for all that has happened. not to get back together, but to apologize for the hurt i've caused him. although i've been hurt too, but it really didn't give me the right to hurt him back. to that, i guess i got to apologize to more guys. for any unintentional hurt and feelings i couldn't reciprocate...

truly. ignorance is bliss. if i don't know anything, i don't have to care about anything, no? and to anyone who even knows about me and alex, please slap me if i seem to be considering him. i shouldn't and cannot get back with him. thanks to my goldfish memory, i can't remember all the things and reasons why we broke up. why i tried so hard and caused so much pain to cut the ties.

but this is the end result and i don't want all those feelings to be in vain. i don't want history to repeat itself. which happens to happen to me quite often =/

alrite, i really should get down to study...

desperate inspiration

2008-11-04T17:46:00.003+08:00

you know you're short when the first thing you see when you turn around is the chest of someone else.

you also know you're short when you empty your purse and realize you're 5 cents short to buying that yummilicious muffin at the cashier.

and... if someone offers that 5 cents from behind, you'll wish you were shorter.
literally.

ahha... financial management paper tomorrow.
doomed. :(

pain

2008-10-29T21:20:00.003+08:00

i got this really huge baluku on my head.. i noticed and felt the pain as i was washing my hair. i didn't notice it yesterday so it must have been recent right? but i have no idea how it got there because i certainly don't remember bumping into anything that could have caused such a big lump. =s

please don't tell me sleeping pills cause this kind of side effects?

then my mind suddenly drifts to house.

maybe i've caught some strange illness which is causing a big clot in my head and i'll die soon. at least i know for sure its not an infection cos i'd need to have a fever to justify that. or perhaps its a tumour... then the question would be if its cancerous or not. mm.. i always thought wilson was pretty cute. (i know, strange taste. shoot me) oh but then again he's not a real doctor.

gosh if i have to die at least let me die after my holidays?
normally i would request it'll be before exams but i'm really looking forward to new zealand and cairns.. yeah.. even though i haven't really followed up with checking and confirming the routes and stuff... oops =x

ahh.. so much stuff to do.. somehow i just have strange urges to go to the gym and pool tho. weird eh? i'm one weird girl.

mm..

i'm not done yet

2008-10-28T14:31:00.002+08:00

thats what life is.
its a series of rooms,
and who we get stuck in this room with adds up to what our lives are.

sigh.

totally random

2008-10-26T21:13:00.002+08:00

don't really have much to update.. neither do i have anything emo to post so.. heh.. posting my newest buys! actually the latest would be 3 new dresses i bought yesterday but i haven't took pictures. wore 1 today, am gonna wear another tomorrow... so exciting!! haha

okok, so this is the next coolest thing i bought quite recently from coles (kinda like ntuc in sg).. its called Moxie! just look at the cute packaging...
yes, and if you can't read the words, its... tampons! and the pink words write "in purse worthy tins" hehe, see below for other side of the box where they show how the tin looks like.

isn't it sweet? personally i don't like tampons. i'd rather just stick to ultra thin pads, or pads so thin, they claim to be 'invisible'. rofl. anyways, tampons? its as bad as stuffing a bullet up your ass (i know, bad example, but you get the picture) but but... the packaging was so cute.. i couldn't resist! just had to buy =p

haha... oh what am i to do with them.... anyone wants a tin? xD

dreaming on a sunny afternoon

2008-10-21T11:04:00.002+08:00

close your eyes and imagine that we're alone
that nothing else matters and the skies are blue
fluffy clouds pass and baby birds sing
we're sitting atop a hill below a shady tree
its okay if nothing is said
we'll share a lolly pop and sit on a swing
and in a light breeze you'll ruffle my hair
put your arms around me like a teddy bear
and thats how i wish my life would end
cos nothing in this world matters
your smile is all i need

was somewhat inspired from the song love story.. sung by taylor swift

i'm not referring to anyone, i'm just dreaming of finding love someday.. i don't wanna think about how long someday will take because i don't know when i'll fall in love again. maybe it'll be tomorrow, maybe it'll be years away. as long as i keep hoping, perhaps someday won't seem too far away.

yeah..
someday, someone special will tell me i won't be alone
someday, someone i love will say i love you and thats all you need to know
and i will just be smitten if he knelt on the ground, pulled out a ring and say "baby just say yes"

haha, oh where's my love story?

movie marathon

2008-10-19T08:50:00.002+08:00

mm shall post abit on the movies i watched yesterday cos somehow... i still feel rather disturbed, especially by the mist. well, actually only by that movie out of hellboy 2 and taken.

its weird how we all say and know that when driven to desperation in circumstances, people can do really weird and extreme things.. but seeing it unfold is just rather... disturbing. i think that was like the highlight of the movie..? it wasn't about special effects or alien invasion. just human behaviour. (i can just picture this being a socio or psychological movie study case)

if i were a character in that movie, i'd wish to be the son. somehow i can share the emotions of not wanting his dad to go. but if i had to be a female character, i'd prolly be the blonde female (forgot her name ady). tho i may be a christian, i'll still remain sane and hmm... i would also prolly still slap that insane brunette for being crazy, spouting nonsense and scaring people. she was only able to do that and rise to such power because theres no one else in the shopping mall that had enough bible knowledge. like, wth, its really just so extreme.

just because she can read some bible verses and she's good at talking doesn't mean she's intepreting it right. yes we may all read the same verse and see things differently, but it has to be a pastor (or someone equivalent) to guide and advise should u have doubts and make sure its intepreted correctly. movies like these can be bad cos it sort of make christians doubt about christianity, and abt god. its like da vinci code? but on the other hand, if u can answer the doubts created from the movie, it could serve to strengthen ur faith.

i guess what disturbed me so much is really just how that mad woman (also forgot her name) really just went out of hand. i think she totally lost it during the time when she was accusing the poor soldier.. when she saw someone stab him, and then quickly called him a 'sacrifice'. and then after that induce the idea that a blood sacrifice was needed everyday... and wanting the small boy as the next sacrifice? that was just wrong. they have degraded themselves akin to tribal madness.

yes god spoke to abraham and asked him to sacrifice his son to prove his faith, which abraham did, and for the record, isaac (his son) was not killed. yup, u can check genesis 22 or see this: http://www.rationalchristianity.net/abe_isaac.html

and besides, jesus died on the cross for our sins. he was the biggest sacrifice and so, there was no need for sacrifices anymore. -_-"

hmm, didn't intend this to be a holy post but yea.. it bugged me. it jut occured to me how this movie is somewhat similiar to war of the worlds too. the only difference is the number of people stuck in the same environment and the ending. it was quite dumb but at least its a nice ending for war of the worlds, where everyone was united. the mist was just.... morbid and sad.

ahh, i feel like its the holidays... still don't wanna touch work man..

post assignment resolutions

2008-10-17T20:25:00.003+08:00

am amazed that i'm not as tired as i think i would be even though i haven't had a decent sleep for the past... 37 hours? mm.. brain not thinking already, so not tired.. haha~

kel.. thx so much for ur company wor.. actually i don't think i would have been able to tong all night if u weren't there.. haha! means i lack sleep also is your fault! hahaha

anyways, in the midst of rushing thru assignments with kel last evening (or should i say morning), i have made a few new resolutions!

i will not buy any more sweets, chocs, or chips... at least, until november.
my new breakfast diet will consist of an orange =s
and i'll try to jog and swim at least once a week! (um, till nov)

can't u see my sincerity in losing weight? :D
this is to make up for all the chocs, ice cream, banana, cereals, sweets and instant mee i've been having in the past... 37 hours ._.

well i needed to stay awake what... plus the stress, u really can't blame me...
i'm just glad its all over!

hurray weekends~

2008-10-15T14:39:00.002+08:00

am somewhat taking a breather in the library... heh, posting while karen's off getting food. i think i've over-compensated myself with food.. its scary u know, how somehow.. people can't seem to recognise me much. like, have i grown so much fatter? looked too dull because of the stress from assignments, or...?

and to top it off, qw had to tell me i 'hen hui chi'.
die la, am really eating too much. yes i enjoy good food....

...

T_T die la....

on a lighter note, 2 assignments are down, 2 more to go!
wednesday is like the middle of the week and thank god for that.

i pray for my presentation group tomorrow. like, during meeting today, the 2 ang moh mates were driving me mad... and karen have that look... that of 'given up hope' on her face. like, cannot be bothered to comment either already. or should i say disbelief?
1 of them, did his speech but never bring his updated slides.
another did her speech, updated her slides but forgot to bring the hardcopy of her script.

in short, it was quite a waste of time meeting today. -_-"
but today was still overall a rather nice day.

well aside from the fact that i only caught 3 hrs of sleep, and i was horridly late for my tutorial where i had to consult with alexia. which, didn't go too well either as she refused to look at what i have done for tutorial, and just basically beat around the bush to shoot me for not being responsible and being late. but like, its really quite a waste of time and you can't blame me when her tutorials basically consist of her talking for 10mins or less, and you do your own research for the next 50mins. i might as well sleep!

yeah, other than these... am just glad presentation went alright. we were lucky the 1st group that presented was like... quite boring. so we sorta 'refreshed' everyone with our pictures and erm.. asian 'accent'. the PRC's really just destroyed us with it la... but haiz, presentation is over! i don't care already~ as the saying goes, theres no point crying over spilt milk, yea?

then another amazing thing happened.. (wonder if he'll see this) delong msned me! ahha, yeah, really unexpected and well if u do see this, i'm really grateful. somehow the short conversation reminded me about the times back in poly days.. and then i just had to go back and check out what i actually posted, digging up my arch. back in 2004. and i keep wondering... have i changed? how much have i changed?

and in the midst of trying to recollect my past, of all the crazy things that have happened to me, there's this post i think i should repost. cos it might be an applicable story to u! haha, no harm reading and reflecting!

there was this guy who loved two gals at the same time but he didn't know which one he loved more.
someone taught him. ask yourself this question and answer it honestly:
"when you are happy, which gal would you want to share your happiness with?" the one you think of is someone you love.

then ask yourself another question and answer it honestly: "when you are sad, which gal you want to share your burden with?" the one you think of is also someone you love.
if you think of the same gal when you are happy & sad, that's the most perfect. but if you don't think of the same gal, I would advise you to chose the one you are willing to share your sadness with.

in life, there are more sorrows than happiness. there are too many people that u meet that u can share your happiness with, not necessary your lover. if you live your life happily, you can also enjoy it alone.

in sadness, however, there are not many people willing to share your burden with you. if you are willing to tell someone your happiness, i am sure that person has got to be someone close & is an understanding person to you. but it shouldn't stop there. if that person only thinks of you when she is happy, but looks for someone else when she is sad, this lover is too unstable, she doesn't treat you as someone she can spend the rest of her life with.

of course, i will be very happy if i am the first person to share her happiness. But, if she is sad, i will be too willing to stay by her side & ease her pain. Only then, will i believe that i hold a very important position in her heart. if you are sad, who comes to your mind first?

friendship is a strange thing. we find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives... things we don't even share with the families who raised us. but what is a friend? a confidant? a shoulder to cry on? an ear to listen? a heart to feel? a friend is all these ... and more.

no matter where we met, no matter how long we've been together... I call you a friend. a word so small, yet so large in feeling, a word filled with emotion, a word overflowing with love. truly great things come in small packages. once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed. it is a constant book always waiting... waiting to be read... and enjoyed. we may have our disagreements... we may have our disappointments ...we may argue ...we may have concern for one another...

friendship is a unique bond that lasts through all tribulations. a part of each of us goes into our friendships... our humor ... our experiences... our tears. friendships are foundations... necessary for life... and love.

sometimes God wants us to meet many wrong people, so that when the right one comes along, we will appreciate that person more.

yep, and can i just say i love my sister? hahaha, i never even tell her much and she's just always there and reassuring.. lemme quote heehee

"never fall for a guy who love you less then you love him. V important!!"

hahaha, what kind of funny advice is this? love can't be measured leh.. haha, at times like this i really do feel like a loved lil sister. cheers to facebook, it's better than msn! :)

picking up the pieces

2008-10-13T21:14:00.002+08:00

and then its over, its gone as fast as it came.

but what am i to say is gone, when there was nothing to begin with?

all there ever was, were the feelings inside that never made it out. and i really just should have known better..

cry i will not. cos its not worth it.. drink maybe? haha..

from my holy friend,
God is able to make all grace abound in us for all things and all times, in all we do.
2 cor 9:8

thankiu. :)

am comforted by god too.. suddenly so many ppl wanna date me! hahaha, oh wells..

thats life.

125 hours

2008-10-12T09:29:00.002+08:00

yes, in another 125 hours, it will be my time to party! endure cat, u can do this!

and suddenly i feel very tired. -_-"

anyways, came across this post when i was doing random surfing.. from some geekinpink blog.

love turn cynical
Have we become too cynical for our own good?

Recall a time when you had fallen in love and not questioned his/her motives for being in love with you.

Recall a time when you didn’t intentionally dramatise a mistake to seek his/her attention.

Recall a time when the relationship was going so well, you purposely messed it up because you thought this was almost too good to be true and you didn’t deserve him/her.

Recall a time when being in love means being honest and not being wary.

Recall a time when you didn’t hold back your I love you.

Recall a time when you didn’t first worry about sounding needy or submissive before you say it.

Remember the time when there was no mind games.

I remember my first love.

I remember our honest hopes about the future.

I remember him holding out his hand to me in front of his friends.

I remember his handwritten letters.

I remember the flowers that bloomed for ten days but now brown and brittle in my room.

I remember saying I love you without hesitation.

I remember him saying I love you too in tears.

I remember his tears.

But the first love that was promised to be forever was taken away from me.

By distance.

And I was so hurt I cried for weeks.

Too young to comprehend that this was the only the beginning of the chase for love.

Too fragile to believe that there could be anyone else better for me besides my first love.

And although I had moved on, my heart had carved itself a wall of stone.

To the point…Where the next one that came along and liked me, I approached him with caution.

Where the next one that came along and said he loves me, I doubt his feelings.

Where the next one that came along and confessed his hopes for us, I questioned his motives.

Where the next one that came along and had faith in our future, I was determined to find at least one flaw in our relationship.

Where the next one that came along and there was no arguments, I concluded that there was no passion and excitement in this relationship.

Where the next one that came along and he was so kind to my needs and demands, I believed I didn’t deserve his love.

Where the next one that came along and held my hand in public, I was actually shocked instead of being delighted.

Where the next one that came along and brought me to meet his parents, I thought he was moving too fast.

Where the next one that came along and admit he would love me eternally, I declared him naive.

Have I become too careful?

Have I lost faith in love itself?

Have I become too cynical for my own good?

Am I just afraid to be hurt again?

Actually, are WE all just afraid to be hurt again?

If that is the case, then why do we keep falling in love with the bad boys over and over again?

If that isn’t hypocrisy, I don’t know what is.

I guess with the bad boys, at least you can predict what’s coming.

There will surely be arguments.

There might be disloyalties.

There will eventually be a breakup. And a reunion. Then another breakup.

If you should choose it, another reunion maybe?

But is it worth it?

If we choose not to hurt ourselves in the beginning, why do we continue to let ourselves be vulnerable to such predicaments?

Then wouldn’t our cynicism be pointless right from the beginning?

I guess that is why we remember our first love so fondly.

***

i feel like i understand alil more abt myself. i feel i understand alil more abt u.
tho for the record my 1st love didn't say i love u in tears. and we separated not because of distance, but his fear of commitment. and although we are now friends, reminisces do still brings back that lil ache.

is that the same for u?

is it a feeling of longing that things could be back the way they were before with her or is it really over? do u regret asking me out? are u feeling guilty of hurting a friend or am i really something more?

what a long post eh.. and i can only end with another quote i took...

All that my past relationships had taught me is that it gets harder and harder to say I love you each time.
I am now wary of relationships. Yet I am still careless.
I am now cynical of love. Yet I still fall in love over and over again.
I am now angry at men. Though there is hope yet…
I am now hurting. Yet I know I am willing to be hurt again and again until I find the right person.

The astonishing thing is…
I harbour all these cynicisms and emotional baggage.
And yet… I will want nothing else but the right person in my life.

oh well

2008-10-10T10:09:00.002+08:00

a rational answer does not solve an emotional problem.

i guess only time will tell?

i just need to survive through this week... oh god i need strength and perserverance in so many ways..

but for now,
i wish i could just spend more time with u.

tagged by steve

2008-10-08T12:21:00.003+08:00

i didn't know its called viral tagging lol.
am willing to do anything but assignments now...

1) The person who tagged:
Steve Teo

2) Your relationship with him/her is:
Buddies

3) Your five impressions on him/her:

* Emotional

* IT wizz

* Reliable

* Trusted confidant

* Helpful

4) The most memorable thing that he/she had done for you:
hmm.. can never forget how u looked out for me at thailand man. =p

5) The most memorable thing that he/she had said to you:
i think it goes beyond words.. haha!

6) If he/she becomes your lover, you will:
cannot imagine! haha, great that we're both attached~

7) If he/she becomes your lover, thing he/she has to improve on will be:
maybe on our fashion sense. hmm.. kelly we're growing old u know..

8) If he/she becomes your enemy, you will:
die. just die. my computer is defenseless against ur hacking skills. lol.

9) If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be:
maybe if pawned him in dota. which will never happen in my lifetime. lol.

10) The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is:
meet up for prata! ahha

11) Your overall impression of him/her is:
great guy + friend =D

12) How you think people around you will feel about you?
i'm really not too sure about this. how ah?

13) The characteristic you love of yourself are:
Trustworthy?

14) On the contrary, the characteristic you hate of yourself are:
mm.. my goldfish memory. it's gd sometimes tho

15) The most ideal person you want to be is:
Anyone but the devil. (agreed)

16) For people who cares and likes you, say something to them:
Thanks and I really appreciate it!

17) Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wish to know how they feel about you?

1. Amos (does this mean u have to post for steve & me? heehee)

2. Amelia

3. Angeleigh

4. Hester

5. Fagan

6. Jane

7. Jovi

8. Karin

9. Verna

10. Yi Ling

18) Who is no.6 having relationship with?
hmm.... seems complicated

19) Is no. 9 a male or female?
female!

20) If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
cannot lesbian!

22) What is no.2 studying about?
arts!

23) When is the last time you had a chat with no.3:
months ago.. a good chat? years.. =(

24) What kind of music band does no.8 like:
hmm english genre but which exactly i'm actually not too sure.. =s

25) Does no.1 have any siblings:
1 younger brother & 2 younger sisters!

26) Will you woo no.3:
erm.. i'm happily attached. tyvm.

27) How about no.7:
same answer as above!

28) Is no.4 single:
seems like it..

29) What is the surname of no.5:
i think its cheong. uh.. crap i forgot

30) What’s the hobby for no.4:
watching english drama

31) Does no.5 and 9 get along well?
hmm.. we were all from shss but i dunno if they still remember each other.

32) Where is no.2 studying at?
UniMelb~

33) Talk something casual about no.1:
beloved brother who is quite blur but always reliable. hmm, is your fashion sense getting better? heehee

34) Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?
yeah she's got this motherly aura all around her.. mummy!

35) Where does no.9 live at?
bedok! (if she hasn't moved)

36) What colour does no.3 likes?
hmm.. quite a few.. earthly colours

37) Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
don't think they know each other

38) Does no. 1 have any pets?
nope.. (i think)

39) Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
ok i'll be realistic, sexy in my eyes can ady =p

40) What is no. 10 doing now?
hmm... slacking? =x

hot hot weather

2008-10-07T11:56:00.002+08:00

yes even if u're not under the sun's blazing rays, the radiating heat is also enough to choke...

...

okay so i'm exaggerating just a lil...

haa... its a beautiful hot day =)

i still can't stop grinning to myself from time to time and my mind actually wandered off during tutorial this morning.

and then i vandalized the table. haha!

i haven't felt so happy in a really long time.. so long that it really just seem surreal. would u believe that i was nervous when u held my hand?

i can't describe the happiness..

and i better stop writing before i sound like some psycho! lol.
nap time~

in and out

2008-10-06T09:35:00.002+08:00

its amazing how i feel so much better after a trip to church and a good rest. one of the biggest thing i'd miss about brisbane, aside from the new friends, the weather and the rather laid back lifestyle... will definitely have to be brisbane city church.

i feel like i've recieved much and they have so freely given me comfort asking for nothing in return. thanksgiving is in part, my duty to give anyway so yeah.. i'm really thankful to have found bcc.

after yesterday i just got reminded how i should be just living for god and put things in his hands instead of my own. somehow there is greater power in doing so then trying to solve my problems on my own because by myself, i'm just helpless. keeping it within and broading over it just made me even more depressed. the fear of hurt and rejection huanted me, and i got scared from memories and past experiences..

i was retreating to my shell and putting on a strong front. but its not easy keeping up, acting on the outside as if i didn't care when inside, i do. it sucks to be stuck in the middle and i don't want to be like this. i'd like to think i've grown stronger and i can take whatever that comes my way, but matters of the heart can be more than i can bear and i can't help pushing it away on first instinct. i'm torn between protecting myself and longing for protection.

i'm not perfect and i don't expect anyone to be. i'm not strong though i try to be. my father may comfort my soul but in life, the support i need is more than a shoulder and if i can't rely on you to be strong enough to support me, who else can i turn to?

things will not change and i will still love u as a friend as i do to all of my friends dear to me. and i only ask for that in return until things are settled. perhaps when you are ready, things will come more naturally. i like someone with confidence =)

gosh i took pretty long to think things out.
leave it all in god's hands anyhow.. assignments beckons!
praise god.

From the inside out by Hillsongs United
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out, Lord

Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

mummy night

2008-10-04T23:53:00.002+08:00

apart from the walks, the nice dinner, and the rather lame movie....
i'm just so glad we talked.
and i pray i will no longer need to traumatize myself =s

heehee.... nuff said. =)

on a more stressful note.. assignments are calling...
boo!! shall do em tmr morning. *sigh*

nite world~

love?

2008-10-02T13:13:00.003+08:00

i think i screwed up.

sigh...

not fated to be with a person i like. i just can't be normal and everything i say just seem wrong. or i'd say things i don't mean. or what i meant just comes out wrong.

i dunno la... communication fail. :(

and i think if i try to clear things up, i might mess it up further so i should just forget it. everything is so blurry now! arghh

turning around

2008-09-30T19:10:00.002+08:00

dreamworld was alil crazy. the rides i mean... and i'm really starting to doubt my ability to do the stunts i wanna do. how to bungee jump and skydive man... see how things go ahh mm...

but life is short. i wanna do it like, just once in my life so i can look back and say 'yeah, been there, done that' :)

my fear of heights is real okay... to date, i feel i can quite proudly say that i've done quite a good job handling it too. hmm, thought just occured to me.. so cool to find mr chiang on facebook... maybe can see if he have the video of my secondary school days! the one where we went to malaysia and had to go through the canopy walk... then got the scene of me hugging the tree in terror after crossing the 'bridge'. ok la, it wasn't really that bad.. i usually laugh my fear away so i was laughing and smiling at the camera i think.

ah yes, yesterday i also went to my first halloween party at a club. my goodness, it was so packed... felt so squashed moving about, and there was so many people it was actually freaking hot even though the place is air-conditioned! and i was already in a tube ._.

i was alil worried that i'm underdressed and it turned out that not many people dressed up lor.. i think singapore more happening.. went there with qw, jason & colin and thankfully, with colin's friend in the queue, we skipped like almost 100 peeps in the line =x then over there i met marc, jo, ming yan, zeng xun & quite a few familiar faces.. brisbane too small! lols.

with so many people, in no time everyone was also lost in the crowd and i ended up with just qw majority of the time.. am abit lost as to what i was suppose to do.. so... i what also never do.. maybe apart from smiling at him. hahaha

yep, last night very 'happening'. sometimes i can't believe the things happening around and to me. i think my life is starting to get me nervous. spent the whole day today chatting about relationships with qw.. really came to not much of a conclusion about the topic but at certain times, even yesterday, i had to remind myself and stop myself from doing or saying anything silly.

its driving me alil nuts @_@ kel... all ur fault u know!

gahhh